Venting Relationship problems causing ctb thoughts

[SanguineShark]

I have a girlfriend for almost a month now, it was an online dating at first, we met irl and everything changed. We went from a GIGANTIC amount of affection to basically 0. I keep being ghosted, get one word replies that have 0 enthusiasm, I can see their lack of excitement and love that used to be there before. I know they're going through depression, but I have no idea how much of it is my fault.. because they don't tell me. They don't tell me anything at all. I feel worthless, I thought maybe that's it! Maybe I could be happy! I remember the first weeks of our relationship, I literally never felt so good in my life as I did back then.. It's the opposite now. I'm scared, constantly. I have panic attacks every day, I'm in constant state of either extreme stress or intense dissociation. I even started planning how I can CTB. I still want to do it. I know I would cause my friends an extreme amount of pain, especially one my best friend... her friend did CTB last year, she was actually our mutual friend but they were closer together than I was to the one who passed. I think she might have used SN, maybe she even used this forum. I know my best friend is still very traumatized and I'd just traumatize her more. But I just..... fuck
How much fucking pain can I take? XD
Like seriously. I hate my fucking life, I hate myself, every time I have an up, I just get hurt again. My girlfriend who I trusted so much, acted just like my mother did - a burst of affection followed by abandonment. I can't take this shit anymore. Life is shit, it's cruel, it sucks, it's a constant wave of disappointment - hope - disappointment and it's just a cycle of emotional torture. I'm too sensitive to be here.
It literally feels easier to CTB than to break up. I don't want to break up. I still love her, but I don't think she loves me anymore.

 

[StrangeAndDeath]

I'm sorry for your situation. I avoid relationships because of complications similar to these. But, I guess maybe just give it time

 

[SanguineShark]

I'm sorry for your situation. I avoid relationships because of complications similar to these. But, I guess maybe just give it time

I understand you. I just didn't want to be lonely anymore.. I'm sad and frustrated now. I can see it's probably my fault.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry what you have to go through is awful. I can relate to that disappointment - hope- more disappointment cycle though mine is different to yours the result is the same, torture and suffering in life. Relationships and love can be so painful. This world is so cruel. I hope you can find peace.

 

[SanguineShark]

I'm sorry what you have to go through is awful. I can relate to that disappointment - hope- more disappointment cycle though mine is different to yours the result is the same, torture and suffering in life. Relationships and love can be so painful. This world is so cruel. I hope you can find peace.

Thank you for your kind words. Honestly I'm used to awful, traumatic shit going on in my life. I'm surprised I'm still alive. I hope you can find peace as well.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be awful what you have to go through, I do understand that it's horrible feeling trapped in a situation that you hate, existence really is so cruel and torturous, I think you certainly cannot rely on other people.

 

[SanguineShark]

It must be awful what you have to go through, I do understand that it's horrible feeling trapped in a situation that you hate, existence really is so cruel and torturous, I think you certainly cannot rely on other people.

Thank you for your empathy. It's sad how much I get my hopes up that maybe, just maybe someone will love me just as much as I love them, just to get disappointed and abandoned. It's like a dark comedy. I guess I never learn, loneliness is such a pain..