Help Relationship after SA *trigger warning*

[bpdteacher]

Long story short. I was raped almost exactly a year ago by a guy who was a good friend. Police dropped it as it was 'me versus him.' I also have BPD so the whole thing is a complete mess.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for about six years and I'm struggling with intimacy still now. Even touching him feels wrong. I feel repulsed with my body and don't want to be near any man right now, and maybe not ever. Even a guy who I know loves me. It doesn't feel fair on him.

I'm working through it with my therapist. I just wanted to know I'm not alone. Has anyone had a relationship survive rape? Did your relationship with sex recover? I'm even wondering if my experience might even have changed my sexual preference altogether. I feel so much guilt and shame.

 

[sunny.sativa]

Hi. <3

I want to start by saying that your feelings are valid. You're not wrong in any way for feeling or thinking the way you do. You were scarred. And you recognize that. It's very strong of you.

If your partner is knowledgeable of the situation, and of your past, and he's still with you, he seems to be patient enough to allow you to trust him as times goes. Sure, sex is important but your lover isn't with you solely for sex. He's with you for YOU. Inside. When you're ready, it'll happen and you don't need to feel awful for it. I understand that's not something you can help, but try to acknowledge it and ask your partner for help. Being communicative and open will allow for understanding on both sides.
If it's suitable, thank him for understanding and being patient and present while you build yourself up again.
If your sexual preferences have changed, try new things as you're comfortable. Have a safe word, y'know? Do what you love and experiment with fun ideas to make sex intimate and enjoyable again. It will not remain traumatic forever.
You have no time limit, darlin, you're doing great.

 

[Pryras]

I'm so sorry and I can empathize with what you're going through. I was assaulted by my once best friend and any sort of intimacy feels uncomfortable.

It's a normal reaction and you're not alone in this. I'm glad you're working through it with your therapist and it will take some time to heal from it so don't feel like you're not making progress. Communicate with your partner and let him know how he can make things more comfortable for you. Remind yourself that he's not there to hurt you, and make sure he knows your boundaries.

 

[timf]

Most guys react with anger when they hear about a woman they know or love bring raped. They feel powerless to protect them and seek revenge or justice against the perpetrator. They are often unaware that this reaction just makes it more difficult for the rape victim.

You may have to work at being direct about your needs. Women often need to be comforted and get assurance and affection. Over time one can grow to feel at ease, but it takes a consistent effort on the part of the guy to create an environment of safety and trust. Much of the earlier relationship you enjoyed was built on assumed trust. Once this is shattered, it can be a task to rebuild it. It requires both you and your partner to understand that you are working to rebuild what was lost.

If it is difficult to articulate your feelings to him, you could print this out and ask him to read it. That might open the subject and allow you to start to communicate what you are looking for.

 

[noaccount]

Women are plenty angry too.

It's also perfectly okay to not go back to having some previous version of one's sexuality, or if not wanting sex with anyone afterwards is long-term. It's not our job to feel or identify the same way we would in some hypothetical better world.

 

[bpdteacher]

Thank you for your responses. It happened a year ago tonight, and I feel like I'm re-living the evening moment by moment.
I feel like a constant let-down all the time because my partner is always dropping sex into his everyday comments. For example, if I wear shorts to bed, that reminds him of what he's not getting. And when he comments on it it reminds me of how bad the police questioning made me feel.
'Were you wearing clothes which might have suggested you wanted sex?'
'Did you lead him on?'
'How many times did you say 'no?''
'Why didn't you physically push him off?'

 

[TowerUpright]

It seems hollow for me to add anything: I'm a guy and I get really angry at other "men" who attack women. My best friend in secondary school was raped, while we were friends. I literally had thoughts of killing someone who traumatized her. That being said, I wanted to point out something from my personal perspective.

Keep communication open with your partner. Let him know what you are feeling as best you can. Offer him to ask questions, and answer as you feel comfortable. Nothing kills off any relationship like silence and uncertainty. He sounds like a good guy (6 years!). I would hope he could be open to at least listen to you. He, too, needs to process things from his end. It might do both of you good.

Take that as my $0.02. I sincerely wish you recovery and closure to both of you. And, I wish that A****** gets hit by a train.

 

[noaccount]

So, forty percent of police commit domestic violence. So they are just, wholeheartedly, on the side of rape and battery. It is not, in any way, because of you that they said these abusive, inappropriate, harassing things.

Have you told your partner that him talking to you like that is upsetting? Has he respected that?

Your home is your home and your room is your room, it isn't like going out on a date or to a public event or being in someone else's living space, no one else's perceptions or comfort take any priority over how you want to function there.

Sources on gender violence by police:

National Center For Women and Policing

description text here

womenandpolicing.com

‘Police Wife’: the secret epidemic of police domestic violence

Domestic violence takes place in up to a staggering 40 percent of law enforcement families, but police departments mostly ignore the problem or let it slide, write ex-police wife Susanna Hope and award-winning investigative journalist Alex Roslin in their new book Police Wife: The Secret...

canadiandimension.com

https://scholarlycommons.law.hofstra.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1009&context=hofstra_law_student_works