Relapsing and Rusty

[CentreMid]

It's been a while since I've been here. I've spent a good chunk of my time away trying to recover, and I'll be honest, I've been doing pretty decently over the past year or so. I've managed to reduce the suicidal thoughts down to a dull noise in the back of my head. I don't think they'll truly go away, but they've certainly been less overwhelming than they were when I first joined this site.

However, my life's recently taken several turns for the worst. Between my recent job loss, money issues and relationship troubles (both family and romantic), my suicidal thoughts are back, and they're getting harder to ignore. I have other reasons besides these for wanting to CTB (which is why I said these thoughts will never truly go away), but these have only brought my suicidal thoughts back to the forefront. I haven't felt like this in a very long time.

I remember my old plans and methods from a few years ago. I still remember how to do it, although I feel like I've become rusty. I'm afraid my rustiness will make it more likely to fail if I go through with it now. I hate myself for that.

Not looking for advice. I'm just screaming into the void, and am thankful to anyone who'll listen.

 

[downndone2]

I'm so sorry. I was doing better for a little over 6 months. But job loss, another break up, some additional poor decisions, financial issues, medical problems, etc I'm right back into it. Ctb is on my mind multiple times a day again and getting harder to turn them off. I'm trying to push for those I love but afraid I can only put up with so much more

 

[SilentSadness]

Life is very torturous, even if we try to recover we are blighted by plagues like unemployment and relationships. I suppose it is the price to pay for happiness but it seems so unfair to me; I wish I could sleep forever. After all material things are temporary and it is foolish to get attached to them, to rely on them because they never cease to disappoint. I hope you get peace from your recent unfortunate events and that your situation improves.

 

[wr3ck3d]

I feel you, I was doing well for quite a few years, and then had a car accident, a few failed attempts on some college courses, overtime unpaid which led to give up a job I had for few years. And it feels like I tried to do better just to end up worse

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly can be very awful when what we go through in life just continues to get worse, the reality is that there could never be anything fair about existing here in this cruel world. But anyway, best wishes.