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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 242
Soz if this is hard to read, depression has kinda wrecked my cognitive abilities :p
Last year I had this elaborate plan to CTB and even purchased all the needed supplies and all. I even had the perfect excuse so I would be able to do it without interference but a day before I made the frankly stupid decision to continue living and honestly, I regret doing so. I thought by moving out of where I lived before things would improve but absolutely not. Instead I wasted numerous months losing my life-changing amount of savings fairly rapidly due to struggling to find a job due to the limited job market of the place I ended up moving to. After countless job rejections, I eventually landed a job offer only to be fired after 4 shifts for not picking it up as quickly as my older, more experienced coworkers which of course plunged me into a deep depression. From then I continued to apply around but to no avail (and of course this was made worse by the fact that I lived somewhere with limited public transport so I couldn't easily travel further to get to work either).
After losing thousands on a failed dream of finally being independent, I moved into my bf's place where I don't have to pay any rent which is cool and his family is alright however I can't help but find myself constantly breaking into random crying fits over the situation. His place is in a very rural area that you can't quite leave or enter without a car + it has no businesses (e.g. grocery store, post office) within walking distance, only houses so I am just 100% reliant on getting lifts from his parents which I do not like since my mobility is extremely limited and I just feel trapped in life again. I recently got a new job hoping this would fill that void but so far it hasn't, the pay isn't very good and I keep getting 2 shifts a week pretty much, likely due to my limited availability since I am entirely reliant on getting lifts.
I just wish I had a better place to go where I don't feel constantly isolated. Last year, I went to a couple parties and felt like a normal, sociable teenager (for the first time in my life) but now I'm basically back to just sitting around at home doing nothing. I would talk to my BF about this but he doesn't quite seem to understand why I feel so depressed about life even though from his perspective, all of my issues should be rectified since I no longer live in an unsafe home environment. I don't quite understand either but I just know these feelings are very real for me. I feel kinda awful for thinking this but he's older than me by two years yet doesn't have a licence, job or any savings whatsoever and usually I just overlook this but I think it also plays a part in why I feel so bleak about my future. I just wish we could do fun things together without me having to foot the entire bill constantly, especially with my ongoing financial issues. I feel so trapped and truly feel like CTB is the only way out. I want to leave so bad but I can't afford it anymore since I lost so much money on rent for the last place I lived in. I grew up lower middle class and always wanted to attend uni and create a better future but it's hard to even envision one for myself now that I'm a mentally ill (possibly autistic) high school dropout with no family who couldn't keep a job to save her life with a slightly older boyfriend that's somehow even further behind in life. I can't even quit and get a better job due to extremely limited job opportunities in the town centre and also my social ineptness which makes it harder for me to leave good impressions on people.
All of it is so overwhelming. I don't want to watch my life collapse around me any longer. I'm just gonna put on a neutral/happy face and gather what I need, book a hotel and do what I should have done last year. Fuck this shit it doesn't get better, it just gets worse. I have no one I can talk to about this irl so I hope in my final days/weeks, I can at least use this forum to vent my silly little thoughts idk lol
Last year I had this elaborate plan to CTB and even purchased all the needed supplies and all. I even had the perfect excuse so I would be able to do it without interference but a day before I made the frankly stupid decision to continue living and honestly, I regret doing so. I thought by moving out of where I lived before things would improve but absolutely not. Instead I wasted numerous months losing my life-changing amount of savings fairly rapidly due to struggling to find a job due to the limited job market of the place I ended up moving to. After countless job rejections, I eventually landed a job offer only to be fired after 4 shifts for not picking it up as quickly as my older, more experienced coworkers which of course plunged me into a deep depression. From then I continued to apply around but to no avail (and of course this was made worse by the fact that I lived somewhere with limited public transport so I couldn't easily travel further to get to work either).
After losing thousands on a failed dream of finally being independent, I moved into my bf's place where I don't have to pay any rent which is cool and his family is alright however I can't help but find myself constantly breaking into random crying fits over the situation. His place is in a very rural area that you can't quite leave or enter without a car + it has no businesses (e.g. grocery store, post office) within walking distance, only houses so I am just 100% reliant on getting lifts from his parents which I do not like since my mobility is extremely limited and I just feel trapped in life again. I recently got a new job hoping this would fill that void but so far it hasn't, the pay isn't very good and I keep getting 2 shifts a week pretty much, likely due to my limited availability since I am entirely reliant on getting lifts.
I just wish I had a better place to go where I don't feel constantly isolated. Last year, I went to a couple parties and felt like a normal, sociable teenager (for the first time in my life) but now I'm basically back to just sitting around at home doing nothing. I would talk to my BF about this but he doesn't quite seem to understand why I feel so depressed about life even though from his perspective, all of my issues should be rectified since I no longer live in an unsafe home environment. I don't quite understand either but I just know these feelings are very real for me. I feel kinda awful for thinking this but he's older than me by two years yet doesn't have a licence, job or any savings whatsoever and usually I just overlook this but I think it also plays a part in why I feel so bleak about my future. I just wish we could do fun things together without me having to foot the entire bill constantly, especially with my ongoing financial issues. I feel so trapped and truly feel like CTB is the only way out. I want to leave so bad but I can't afford it anymore since I lost so much money on rent for the last place I lived in. I grew up lower middle class and always wanted to attend uni and create a better future but it's hard to even envision one for myself now that I'm a mentally ill (possibly autistic) high school dropout with no family who couldn't keep a job to save her life with a slightly older boyfriend that's somehow even further behind in life. I can't even quit and get a better job due to extremely limited job opportunities in the town centre and also my social ineptness which makes it harder for me to leave good impressions on people.
All of it is so overwhelming. I don't want to watch my life collapse around me any longer. I'm just gonna put on a neutral/happy face and gather what I need, book a hotel and do what I should have done last year. Fuck this shit it doesn't get better, it just gets worse. I have no one I can talk to about this irl so I hope in my final days/weeks, I can at least use this forum to vent my silly little thoughts idk lol
