Regret not doing it when I had more chances

[lkjhgfdsa1]

Hi everyone!

I have posted a lot of conflicting and contradictory messages on this site due to my unstable mental state.

It's just that I really am suffering so much and my attempts at escaping from the suffering include de-association with my reality. I wish my life did not turn out this way (which is my fault but out of my control) and I wish I was not suicidal. At last, I know I have no choice and am waiting for the time to pass before I finally succeed at CTB.

Now, due to my lack of long-term thinking, depression and impulsive behavior, I only made my situation worse and worse and I feel like I lost complete track of reality. Just until a couple days ago, I was in a much better position/place/situation to CTB. However, in trying to "save myself" (which I now realize is impossible), I only made my situation worse again. The only thing I got out of this is that I finally have accepted my fate and I will die by suicide as soon as I can.

I wish I succeeded at my previous attempts to CTB. I had so many opportunities, I cannot believe I wasted all of them… I was able to go to the train, do full / partial suspension hanging, SN… I lost myself completely in the suicidal ideation process and was unable to take the proper actions due to my mental self-preservation/SI.

now I am in a different place and the only options I have are:

1. partial with a risky anchor (closet bar)
2. OD on zolpidem (~1g) and quetiapine (1.25g)
3. suffocation with plastic bag

but as I spent a lot of time on here, I know these options are not good ideas, so I am really feeling conflicted and sad.

Many of you have told me CTB can wait and that it requires careful planning and having an (almost) foolproof method, and I agree, but living my life is too difficult for me… everyday is hell and I really wish it would stop. I really want to have a rest, a rest that lasts forever.

I am really unsure of what to do and I cannot make more mistakes being impulsive while at the same time, every second I am still alive is a second too long… I suffer too much.


**I will not share many details about my situation so please refrain from unsolicited advice
**my issue is not in my control at all, which makes any possible "solution" useless and put me in a state of chronic despair

 

[Daryl72]

Hi everyone!

I have posted a lot of conflicting and contradictory messages on this site due to my unstable mental state.

It's just that I really am suffering so much and my attempts at escaping from the suffering include de-association with my reality. I wish my life did not turn out this way (which is my fault but out of my control— I will not share more details about it publicly so please refrain from unsolicited advice) and I wish I was not suicidal. At last, I know I have no choice (because my issue is out of my control) and am waiting for the time to pass before I finally succeed at CTB.

Now, due to my lack of long-term thinking, depression and impulsive behavior, I only made my situation worse and worse and I feel like I lost complete track of reality. Just until a couple days ago, I was in a much better position/place/situation to CTB and in trying to "save myself" (which I now realize is impossible), I only made my situation worse again. However, the only thing I got out of this is that I finally have accepted my fate and I will die by suicide as soon as I can.

I wish I succeeded at my previous attempts to CTB. I had so many opportunities, I cannot believe I wasted all of them… I was able to go to the train, do full / partial suspension hanging, SN… now I am in a different place and the only option I have is partial with a risky anchor… so I feel conflicted.

All day, I just distract myself from not CTB-ing. it's my mental self preservation, even though I really want to go…

I also have almost 1g of zoldipem/ambien and 1.25g of quetiapine. I am tempted to take everything and see what happens, but I also know it is not a good idea, similar to my situation with partial.

Many of you have told me CTB can wait and that it requires careful planning and having an (almost) foolproof method, but living my life is too difficult for me… everyday is hell and I really wish it would stop. I really want to have a rest, a rest that lasts forever.

i can totally relate to your story. I am beyond miserable and my suffering is beyond my ability to cope. I Just wish I had a viable way to end it all. I've learned there really isn't a peaceful and painless way to end ones life.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

I am beyond miserable and my suffering is beyond my ability to cope

this sentence makes me really sad because I relate to it so much…

it seems as if there is no peace in life nor trying to die— both require immense suffering

 

[randomeyes11]

I really feel for you. There just isn't a simple easy solution. It's like just as it took effort to come here, it takes effort to leave at will.

 

[Daryl72]

this sentence makes me really sad because I relate to it so much…

it seems as if there is no peace in life nor trying to die— both require immense suffering

Absolutely, no real escape for those of us suffering from severely mental illness and have lost everything.