ithappens
Live free or die
- Aug 9, 2018
- 159
I have seen it mentioned on this site more than a few times by some people that psychedelics may be helpful or provide some relief. A while back, figuring that I had nothing else to lose when it came to combating my depression and trying a few last things before making solid plans for trying to CTB again, I tried LSD and shrooms for the first time. Surprisingly, shrooms gave me an uncomfortable trip that I did not enjoy, but LSD was incredible. After that first dose I didn't feel depressed for a good few weeks. I was able to feel content with life, appreciate the small things, had worked out some of my worries, fears, and guilt or bad memories while tripping and was able to not let them bother me. The whole experience was incredible and it felt like I had finally found an actual cure - unlike the string of pills I've been fed by various psych clinics and doctors or useless therapy (not that therapy is useless for everyone, it just did nothing for me/my problems). The trip did feel fantastic yes, but the real benefit I had was seeing the changes in myself and my ability to handle life without constantly thinking about the state of the world/life/my life/existence/etc. I know this is going to sound bonkers, but while tripping it was like an inner part of myself that I had never consciously been able to see or hear came forth and firmly, but gently and without judgment, brought many things to my attention and gave much guidance.
So I started tripping a little more regularly (LSD only), every few weeks (occasionally sooner if I felt I needed inspiration, as I am a writer) and life felt pretty decent. Until the trips became a little too ordinary, too regular. I had already worked through some immediate problems and knew what I had to do, so the LSD trips were no longer about discovery or introspection, they were about inspiration and bolstering my craft and imagination. At that point I stopped really seeing or hearing from that "inner self" just like in every day life except for the occasional calm, quiet comment in the far recesses of my mind.
Figuring I needed a break from the LSD and because I had already spent a fair amount of money on the tabs I had picked up I took a break for a month, possibly closer to two. And then came a week when my depression was surging back, and I couldn't get anything done around the house or focus on anything except a string of horrible but unchangeable truths. So I did the best I could to calm myself, took the time to try and observe my life and think about what I could do to better the situation. And decided that soon I would be calling a doctor for some medication to help ween me off marijuana (people say it isn't physically addictive, but I can't quit cold turkey without vomiting for days and finally relapsing into using it just so the sickness will end), as well as perhaps taking another dose of LSD. After all it had been about a couple months and I felt I could use a good conversation with that inner part of myself, as well as being able to see the beauty in every day life again.
I bought enough tabs for one trip from an old friend (2 tabs, unknown dosage) and the trip was wildly unusual to say the least. Normally for me I can feel the first effects kicking in within 45 mins - 1 hour of ingesting them (I swallow them, not hold them in my mouth). It took a little over 2 hours before I started to quickly but smoothly slide into the trip. And at first it was going pretty good, the usual sort of thing, and I was excited to begin to feel okay again and see nice things and have a good 1-on-1 with myself. That didn't happen. I never had a conversation with that inner self, never even spotted them once. Somewhere along the line out of nowhere while the trip was going good possibly 3-4 hours after ingestion, it felt like I was being sucked into a black hole, one even deeper than depression. As I told my boyfriend it "felt like the universe was flowing through my mind and body through a straw and it's too much". Way too much information all at once, and much of it horrifying truths about reality or the state of existence and the way we live and what we are. IDK if anyone here has ever read or seen Fullmetal Alchemist but it literally felt like that scene where Ed goes into the doorway after trying to bring his mom back and all the information of the universe is there. It was fucked up.
After that I tried to calm down, but had another odd moment where my body nearly collapsed and I nearly fainted as I came to another realization about my treatment and care in the psych centers, as well as some depressing realizations about the purpose of "mental health care" in modern society. My fiancee was with me, as he usually is when I trip, and even he said that this trip was off, something was wrong. After these bad few hours during the trip, my trip actually went back to being rather pleasant. I came to the realization that I don't want to do LSD again, at least not for a long long time, because I was going to focus on the small good things here. There are too many unpleasant and downright horrifying things that none of us can change about this reality for me to be able to do anything about it and digging in deep will only land me in hot water. I also was left with the distinct feeling, this feeling of truth deep down inside, that killing myself would change absolutely nothing, either for this reality or myself - at this point I have no idea what happens after death but based on what I just went through I don't think I want to take the leap and find out. Because while I have a feeling it will be nonexistence of this ego ("Me", "I", "ithappens") it will not be the death of consciousness and certainly this consciousness will find new place to reside even if there is no memory or recognition of the old. Even if it is simply a matter of one thing dying, being eaten, and its energy put to new purpose, this is the cycle of life. Consciousness will go on as long as there is life, from the outside one long indiscernible string. At the very least that is what I experienced, whether this is true or not I've absolutely no idea but it scared the shit out of me.
So anyways, reaching the end of the trip, coming down, feeling good vibes, ready to live life and be grateful for what I have and just try to enjoy the things that I can where I can ... And suddenly I start getting this feeling like I can't breathe. All the muscles in my neck are gradually tightening up to the point I can't breathe. I sit down, drink a lot of water, take some deep breaths, go back to casually doing what I was doing and listening to some music with my bf, pretty much on reaching that point where it's wearing off (it was like 8-9 hours in by then). Suddenly my shoulder is hurting and it feels like there's pressure in it. I take my shirt off to look in the mirror, and one shoulder had this giant lump on it. It felt weird to the touch, like when you cut off circulation to a part of your body and can feel painful tingles and anything you touch feels distant or numb. From there this very rapidly spread along my entire shoulder, an entire portion of my torso, I lost all feeling in one arm and shoulder and could barely feel anyone's touch at all. There was this insane pressure in my shoulder, under the skin, all I could think was that it was my muscle but IDK. It got to the point where I began to feel as though I could not feel half my body and was having a hard time breathing, it felt like I was going into shock. Boyfriend called 911. Ambulance took me to the ER. Doctor didn't even look at my shoulder, him and the nurses all just rolled their eyes, muttered something about the LSD and how it must be psychological, told me I was imagining it, and gave me an ativan before discharging me and sending me home. At some point I did get back most of the feeling in my torso, but this morning my shoulder and the upper right side of my torso are still all fucked up, with a bulge along my neck/shoulder line, a rock hard muscle (I think?) running down from that lump, and while I can feel when people touch it it feels numb like when my mouth was numbed to take care of a cavity. When I touch it I can register that there is touch, but it is faint and unusual and pain is very dulled, in some places on the lump/hard part I feel no pain even when skin is scratched or pinched.
So yeah, IDK where I was going with this except to say that: yeah, if you run out of options and want to give a last ditch effort no matter the cost because the alternative is you will kill yourself anyway, then by all means try LSD. But just be aware that not only do bad trips exist, there are some scary things you might come face to face with, and there may be unintended or unforeseen circumstances. And hell, even if you have a completely unrelated medical emergency (because I still have no idea if this was actually the LSD or not) you probably won't get any help because doctors will just look at you, write you off as a druggy, and treat you like crap while waving you out of the hospital.
Just my story, and my two cents on a bit of advice I see posted around here from time to time.
So I started tripping a little more regularly (LSD only), every few weeks (occasionally sooner if I felt I needed inspiration, as I am a writer) and life felt pretty decent. Until the trips became a little too ordinary, too regular. I had already worked through some immediate problems and knew what I had to do, so the LSD trips were no longer about discovery or introspection, they were about inspiration and bolstering my craft and imagination. At that point I stopped really seeing or hearing from that "inner self" just like in every day life except for the occasional calm, quiet comment in the far recesses of my mind.
Figuring I needed a break from the LSD and because I had already spent a fair amount of money on the tabs I had picked up I took a break for a month, possibly closer to two. And then came a week when my depression was surging back, and I couldn't get anything done around the house or focus on anything except a string of horrible but unchangeable truths. So I did the best I could to calm myself, took the time to try and observe my life and think about what I could do to better the situation. And decided that soon I would be calling a doctor for some medication to help ween me off marijuana (people say it isn't physically addictive, but I can't quit cold turkey without vomiting for days and finally relapsing into using it just so the sickness will end), as well as perhaps taking another dose of LSD. After all it had been about a couple months and I felt I could use a good conversation with that inner part of myself, as well as being able to see the beauty in every day life again.
I bought enough tabs for one trip from an old friend (2 tabs, unknown dosage) and the trip was wildly unusual to say the least. Normally for me I can feel the first effects kicking in within 45 mins - 1 hour of ingesting them (I swallow them, not hold them in my mouth). It took a little over 2 hours before I started to quickly but smoothly slide into the trip. And at first it was going pretty good, the usual sort of thing, and I was excited to begin to feel okay again and see nice things and have a good 1-on-1 with myself. That didn't happen. I never had a conversation with that inner self, never even spotted them once. Somewhere along the line out of nowhere while the trip was going good possibly 3-4 hours after ingestion, it felt like I was being sucked into a black hole, one even deeper than depression. As I told my boyfriend it "felt like the universe was flowing through my mind and body through a straw and it's too much". Way too much information all at once, and much of it horrifying truths about reality or the state of existence and the way we live and what we are. IDK if anyone here has ever read or seen Fullmetal Alchemist but it literally felt like that scene where Ed goes into the doorway after trying to bring his mom back and all the information of the universe is there. It was fucked up.
After that I tried to calm down, but had another odd moment where my body nearly collapsed and I nearly fainted as I came to another realization about my treatment and care in the psych centers, as well as some depressing realizations about the purpose of "mental health care" in modern society. My fiancee was with me, as he usually is when I trip, and even he said that this trip was off, something was wrong. After these bad few hours during the trip, my trip actually went back to being rather pleasant. I came to the realization that I don't want to do LSD again, at least not for a long long time, because I was going to focus on the small good things here. There are too many unpleasant and downright horrifying things that none of us can change about this reality for me to be able to do anything about it and digging in deep will only land me in hot water. I also was left with the distinct feeling, this feeling of truth deep down inside, that killing myself would change absolutely nothing, either for this reality or myself - at this point I have no idea what happens after death but based on what I just went through I don't think I want to take the leap and find out. Because while I have a feeling it will be nonexistence of this ego ("Me", "I", "ithappens") it will not be the death of consciousness and certainly this consciousness will find new place to reside even if there is no memory or recognition of the old. Even if it is simply a matter of one thing dying, being eaten, and its energy put to new purpose, this is the cycle of life. Consciousness will go on as long as there is life, from the outside one long indiscernible string. At the very least that is what I experienced, whether this is true or not I've absolutely no idea but it scared the shit out of me.
So anyways, reaching the end of the trip, coming down, feeling good vibes, ready to live life and be grateful for what I have and just try to enjoy the things that I can where I can ... And suddenly I start getting this feeling like I can't breathe. All the muscles in my neck are gradually tightening up to the point I can't breathe. I sit down, drink a lot of water, take some deep breaths, go back to casually doing what I was doing and listening to some music with my bf, pretty much on reaching that point where it's wearing off (it was like 8-9 hours in by then). Suddenly my shoulder is hurting and it feels like there's pressure in it. I take my shirt off to look in the mirror, and one shoulder had this giant lump on it. It felt weird to the touch, like when you cut off circulation to a part of your body and can feel painful tingles and anything you touch feels distant or numb. From there this very rapidly spread along my entire shoulder, an entire portion of my torso, I lost all feeling in one arm and shoulder and could barely feel anyone's touch at all. There was this insane pressure in my shoulder, under the skin, all I could think was that it was my muscle but IDK. It got to the point where I began to feel as though I could not feel half my body and was having a hard time breathing, it felt like I was going into shock. Boyfriend called 911. Ambulance took me to the ER. Doctor didn't even look at my shoulder, him and the nurses all just rolled their eyes, muttered something about the LSD and how it must be psychological, told me I was imagining it, and gave me an ativan before discharging me and sending me home. At some point I did get back most of the feeling in my torso, but this morning my shoulder and the upper right side of my torso are still all fucked up, with a bulge along my neck/shoulder line, a rock hard muscle (I think?) running down from that lump, and while I can feel when people touch it it feels numb like when my mouth was numbed to take care of a cavity. When I touch it I can register that there is touch, but it is faint and unusual and pain is very dulled, in some places on the lump/hard part I feel no pain even when skin is scratched or pinched.
So yeah, IDK where I was going with this except to say that: yeah, if you run out of options and want to give a last ditch effort no matter the cost because the alternative is you will kill yourself anyway, then by all means try LSD. But just be aware that not only do bad trips exist, there are some scary things you might come face to face with, and there may be unintended or unforeseen circumstances. And hell, even if you have a completely unrelated medical emergency (because I still have no idea if this was actually the LSD or not) you probably won't get any help because doctors will just look at you, write you off as a druggy, and treat you like crap while waving you out of the hospital.
Just my story, and my two cents on a bit of advice I see posted around here from time to time.
