BloomingAzaleas
Full Bloom
- Apr 13, 2023
- 67
This wasn't my first attempt, nor am I certain it will be my last, but it's worth reflecting on nonetheless.
Last December, I was obsessed with planning my death on the first snow fall. There wasn't any particular reason, I had friends, family, I was doing well in university…. But I still wanted to die nonetheless, and the first snow fall is symbolic, because every time I attempt it ends up snowing, as if it's the heavens way of calming me down.
Unfortunately for me the first snow fall happened over night and it had already melted by the time I had planned to do it, but I wouldn't let this deter me… so I waited and waited for the perfect day were the weather would be coldest, -20° C cold. I took a 45 minute cold shower and soaked my cotton clothes, so I could remain wet, I threw on another layer to not draw attention to my wet clothes and I walked outside…
It wasn't snowing sadly, rather it perfectly calm, no wind, just a nice blanket of snow everywhere, it was a very pretty sight. I walked for a bit until I found the bench I intended to sleep forever on, and I sat down.
I almost dozed off a couple times while sitting down, but survival instincts really sharpened my hearing and I kept jolting awake to any sound I heard.
Then, I started to feel cold, and the mental could notice all the mental aspects of survival instinct creeping in, that sensation that maybe I could go back home to find warmth… but I had prepared for this, and was ready to refuse the urge and continued forward.
The sun started to set now and it became even colder, at this point all my mind was willed with was 2 thoughts, "I want warmth…" "I want love…" and I started to cry. This was really how I was going to die. Alone, and cold, with no one to love me. It was just as I dreamed of.
But then I heard a woman's voice from far away, she was talking quietly but I could hear her and understand her thanks to my sharpened quietly, she was cold, and lost, she couldn't find her way to the bus station and she was getting really worried.
Impulsively, I got up, I knew where the station was, so I wanted to help her, and so even though I was crying and freezing to death, I guided her to the station.
After we parted ways a switch kinda flipped in me, even when I'm dying and all I can think are my selfish thoughts, my first instinct is to help a random stranger.
And that gave me hope, hope that I could once again reignite my lost purpose of being an unnamed angel to others, that maybe I hadn't lost that purpose after all. And I was stunned on what to do, do I follow through? Or do I try once more to be an angel?
In the end, I decided to return back home, and when I did all the coldness that I had ignored and gotten used to I suddenly felt all at once. I was shivering like crazy, everything was numb so I was shuffling home as if I was a zombie because I couldn't walk properly, it was a long ways home, I almost blacked out on my way back even.
I couldn't use my hands for a key so I was thankful I left the door unlocked for whatever reason. And when I got back inside and started to dethaw, it was one of the worst pains I've ever felt, it felt like 1000 thousand calf cramps and needles all happening at once, I tried hard not to make noise but I couldn't help it and it got my roommates attention, who then helped take care of me and nurse me back to health.
Since this attempt, my desire for suicide had gone a lot down, I still think about it every day but that night, I had the option and willpower to die that night, and yet I chose not to, in hopes that I can rekindle that lost flame I had to help others. And to do that, I've taken the first steps to actually better myself for the first time to actually chase that want.
Last December, I was obsessed with planning my death on the first snow fall. There wasn't any particular reason, I had friends, family, I was doing well in university…. But I still wanted to die nonetheless, and the first snow fall is symbolic, because every time I attempt it ends up snowing, as if it's the heavens way of calming me down.
Unfortunately for me the first snow fall happened over night and it had already melted by the time I had planned to do it, but I wouldn't let this deter me… so I waited and waited for the perfect day were the weather would be coldest, -20° C cold. I took a 45 minute cold shower and soaked my cotton clothes, so I could remain wet, I threw on another layer to not draw attention to my wet clothes and I walked outside…
It wasn't snowing sadly, rather it perfectly calm, no wind, just a nice blanket of snow everywhere, it was a very pretty sight. I walked for a bit until I found the bench I intended to sleep forever on, and I sat down.
I almost dozed off a couple times while sitting down, but survival instincts really sharpened my hearing and I kept jolting awake to any sound I heard.
Then, I started to feel cold, and the mental could notice all the mental aspects of survival instinct creeping in, that sensation that maybe I could go back home to find warmth… but I had prepared for this, and was ready to refuse the urge and continued forward.
The sun started to set now and it became even colder, at this point all my mind was willed with was 2 thoughts, "I want warmth…" "I want love…" and I started to cry. This was really how I was going to die. Alone, and cold, with no one to love me. It was just as I dreamed of.
But then I heard a woman's voice from far away, she was talking quietly but I could hear her and understand her thanks to my sharpened quietly, she was cold, and lost, she couldn't find her way to the bus station and she was getting really worried.
Impulsively, I got up, I knew where the station was, so I wanted to help her, and so even though I was crying and freezing to death, I guided her to the station.
After we parted ways a switch kinda flipped in me, even when I'm dying and all I can think are my selfish thoughts, my first instinct is to help a random stranger.
And that gave me hope, hope that I could once again reignite my lost purpose of being an unnamed angel to others, that maybe I hadn't lost that purpose after all. And I was stunned on what to do, do I follow through? Or do I try once more to be an angel?
In the end, I decided to return back home, and when I did all the coldness that I had ignored and gotten used to I suddenly felt all at once. I was shivering like crazy, everything was numb so I was shuffling home as if I was a zombie because I couldn't walk properly, it was a long ways home, I almost blacked out on my way back even.
I couldn't use my hands for a key so I was thankful I left the door unlocked for whatever reason. And when I got back inside and started to dethaw, it was one of the worst pains I've ever felt, it felt like 1000 thousand calf cramps and needles all happening at once, I tried hard not to make noise but I couldn't help it and it got my roommates attention, who then helped take care of me and nurse me back to health.
Since this attempt, my desire for suicide had gone a lot down, I still think about it every day but that night, I had the option and willpower to die that night, and yet I chose not to, in hopes that I can rekindle that lost flame I had to help others. And to do that, I've taken the first steps to actually better myself for the first time to actually chase that want.
