Unsure and Useless
Dreaming Endlessly, not Wanting to Wake Up
- Feb 7, 2023
- 493
I'm in a very good mood right now since I've successfully purchased my materials, and now, I'm sort of reflecting on everything. I'm not planning on CTB just yet because I always carry that paranoia that my anchor will break or that I'll mess up and be a vegetable forever; I simply just want to think, so this isn't a goodbye thread
Like with all things, I like repeating myself, so this is something I will likely repeat in my actual goodbye thread when it comes
This journey has been long for me. I joined SaSu in 2023 looking for sanctuary. I have been suicidal since middle school when I first realized that I wasn't normal, that I was fundamentally not meant to survive in this society somehow. These feelings have been followed me through high school as well, and it had gotten to the point where, without an outlet, I was repeatedly getting interrogated for venting about inappropriate subjects, such as planning to disembowel myself simply because I had no other way out. On one occasion, I drafted a CTB note, and my father found it, resulting in me getting yelled at for being so weak. Looking back on it, I was being dramatic since I drafted the note when my only form of escapism was taken away from me, but what's done is done, right?
From then on, I drifted through life wanting to die yet going through the motions simply because I had no idea where to start or who to talk to about this. I was alone and scared
This brings us to that fated day when Tantacrul "exposed" this website. I often liked, and still do, watching extremely length videos about dark subjects, particularly horror media. I initially thought that Tantacrul's video was an ARG or some creepypasta until I was hit with the first warning. Suddenly, it dawned on me that this wasn't some compelling story but real people, yet I was still curious. I watched the entire video through and surprisingly felt nothing. If anything, I was more curious. It didn't matter whether this forum was filled with Machiavellian predators that get off on people taking their own lives or genuinely suicidal people; as long as I got the help I needed to CTB, I couldn't care less
I lurked on the website for a short while until, in a moment of emotional vulnerability, I signed up. I was nervous the whole time. The last thing I wanted was to be shunned by a group of people who I felt would understand me and listen to me. Fortunately, I was able to get in, and my life has never been the same
I will admit: for the first several months, SaSu was one of the very few things keeping me alive. It was a place where I could say anything as I wanted to say it, hence why my earlier posts are cringy as fuck. I was experiencing sciatica at the time, and my mother kept shaming me for having it at a young age. It made me depressed because she always did that (and she continues to, to this day). Yet, this forum was here with little to no judgement. It helped me get through the pain
Following those months, I've oscillated between wanting to live and wanting to die, falling to a new low every time I wanted to CTB. From simply acknowledging that I shouldn't live to researching SN sources to now purchasing rope, I took baby steps towards the ending I want, and the whole time, I was happy that, even if no one in my life understands me and shuns me for how I feel, I had you all
I don't know when I'll CTB, if I'm being honest. I'm bad at scheduling things. Everything I do is spontaneous, just like me. However, I do know that, throughout the spontaneity, I am forever grateful I found SaSu. In a world that's becoming progressively more fake with each passing day, this place is an oasis
To you who is reading this, I hope you find peace. Whether that be through CTB or simply toughing it out until you find that light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn't matter. I want you to be happy. You deserve it after everything you've been through
Like with all things, I like repeating myself, so this is something I will likely repeat in my actual goodbye thread when it comes
This journey has been long for me. I joined SaSu in 2023 looking for sanctuary. I have been suicidal since middle school when I first realized that I wasn't normal, that I was fundamentally not meant to survive in this society somehow. These feelings have been followed me through high school as well, and it had gotten to the point where, without an outlet, I was repeatedly getting interrogated for venting about inappropriate subjects, such as planning to disembowel myself simply because I had no other way out. On one occasion, I drafted a CTB note, and my father found it, resulting in me getting yelled at for being so weak. Looking back on it, I was being dramatic since I drafted the note when my only form of escapism was taken away from me, but what's done is done, right?
From then on, I drifted through life wanting to die yet going through the motions simply because I had no idea where to start or who to talk to about this. I was alone and scared
This brings us to that fated day when Tantacrul "exposed" this website. I often liked, and still do, watching extremely length videos about dark subjects, particularly horror media. I initially thought that Tantacrul's video was an ARG or some creepypasta until I was hit with the first warning. Suddenly, it dawned on me that this wasn't some compelling story but real people, yet I was still curious. I watched the entire video through and surprisingly felt nothing. If anything, I was more curious. It didn't matter whether this forum was filled with Machiavellian predators that get off on people taking their own lives or genuinely suicidal people; as long as I got the help I needed to CTB, I couldn't care less
I lurked on the website for a short while until, in a moment of emotional vulnerability, I signed up. I was nervous the whole time. The last thing I wanted was to be shunned by a group of people who I felt would understand me and listen to me. Fortunately, I was able to get in, and my life has never been the same
I will admit: for the first several months, SaSu was one of the very few things keeping me alive. It was a place where I could say anything as I wanted to say it, hence why my earlier posts are cringy as fuck. I was experiencing sciatica at the time, and my mother kept shaming me for having it at a young age. It made me depressed because she always did that (and she continues to, to this day). Yet, this forum was here with little to no judgement. It helped me get through the pain
Following those months, I've oscillated between wanting to live and wanting to die, falling to a new low every time I wanted to CTB. From simply acknowledging that I shouldn't live to researching SN sources to now purchasing rope, I took baby steps towards the ending I want, and the whole time, I was happy that, even if no one in my life understands me and shuns me for how I feel, I had you all
I don't know when I'll CTB, if I'm being honest. I'm bad at scheduling things. Everything I do is spontaneous, just like me. However, I do know that, throughout the spontaneity, I am forever grateful I found SaSu. In a world that's becoming progressively more fake with each passing day, this place is an oasis
To you who is reading this, I hope you find peace. Whether that be through CTB or simply toughing it out until you find that light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn't matter. I want you to be happy. You deserve it after everything you've been through
