Over the past couple of months, I have felt very close to CTB'ing. In fact, if I had all the right supplies to do so peacefully (which seems like a huge PITA right now), I'm sure I would have done it.
However, I have also been thinking about what could possibly stop me from CTB'ing. One of the few things I can think of is volunteer work. I have actually never done any sort of volunteer work - I'm disabled (wheelchair-bound) so my options are somewhat limited, but more than that, I'm just sort of intimidated and don't even know where to begin.
Does anyone feel like they've successfully recovered, by doing volunteer work?
Hey! It's not actually volunteer, but I work on public healthcare. Our overall population is severely empoverished and access to health, and interested healthcare workers, is really hard to come by. Usually, those who work in this area didn't get the dream job they wanted in the private sector. And more often than not, poor people are seen as lesser, so not worth the while. Treat them to shut them up and not get a lawsuit.
When I graduated, I started working in public ER/urgent care. I found my calling.
I'm a very privileged person. Born into a very comfortable life, raised in a bubble apart from the actual truth the world lives in. When I decided I wanted to get into medicine, I knew I needed to have a more down to earth understanding of life. And it was kinda shocking. I had family history on suicide and mental ilness. Also came in contact with a childhood trauma that fucked me up. So I attempted in 2021, luckily, I failed.
All throughout med school I saw more of this shocking reality. So now, I feel like it's my duty to pass on the knowledge I was privileged enough to receive.
So I work, and I bring to others what they didn't have. And I've yet to see a patient get out of the room without a smile and a thank you. Even in my bad days, when I don't have the energy to talk too much and explain everything, just being there and actually listening to the people who are rarely heard is a nice thing.
I call this altruistic selfishness. Of course I care deeply for my patients and always want to be there for them. But there's also personal gain. I feel worthy.
So, for me, working to actually make a difference, not to a society, but to individuals, is more than enough to go by. But of course, having other positive things are necessary. Maybe friends, maybe pets, a romance, family, hobbies or anything that brings you joy is also important.
Find your privilege, whatever it may be. We all have one. Knowledge of pain can be a privilege when you use it to understand and empathise with one who is in lots of pain. Use it to bring others what you've learned.
Hope it helps. If you want to chat more, I'm available.