recovery is hard (vent)

[slightoverlooked]

im writing this on the recovery site i hope thats fine. i dont want to admit to myself that im currently failing recovery.

tw sh, anorexia, suicidal thoughts (lol)

recovering from suicidal thoughts also means recovering from the things that tear you down. like an ed or a sh addiction. life doesnt stop when you are suffering and trying to recover.
im at my limit again. i have been suicidal for long enough to know when im most likely to do something to myself. i can see the patterns. my anorexia is fueling this a lot. any time im feeling exhausted i know that i will relapse sh and think about just giving up. it makes sense ig.

im a uni student and feel like a fucking piece of shit bc my mental health has been in my way since i started studying.
recovering from my suicidal plans made my anorexia worse. i was stuck in an extreme hunger phase after losing lots of weight. honestly i thought i gained lots so i didnt weigh myself and just starved as much as i can after the extreme hunger pains stopped after about 3 weeks. it looks like my metabolism isnt that bad so i didnt gain more than 1-1,5 kg. so i am still underweight lol. but i was suffering from undereating and barely had any energy. the other day i took an exam and noticed that i was sleep deprived (barely slept for 3 days) and i forgot to eat for almost 2 days. i felt like my brain moved so slow and i could barely form a thought. i probably failed that exam...and i also probably failed other exams bc of this.
i dont want to recover from my anorexia. i still feel fat (bmi 17.1) and i wont stop till im at bmi 13. one of the reasons i am suicidal was also the aspect of chronic loneliness. my anorexia tells me that if i lose enough weight someone will eventually like me. ik this is stupid but what else am i going to hold onto when i feel unlovable and worthless? when everyone told me no one will ever love me?

this is stupid. so many ppl have worse problems and im here crying about failing uni while it was my fault for not eating food. even if i wont kms this disorder might kill me in 10 years... or idk. atp i feel immortal. if eugenia cooney is still alive my fat body can probably survive malnourishment as well.

i dont know if i can recover from my anorexia, ever. to me its like self care. starving myself is self care. i know for a fact nothing will ever change my mind. so do i just wait till it kills me? idk.

sorry for venting i have no one to talk to. everyone just acts like im not doing bad and i dont rlly have friends to vent to. idk if i can recover from suicidal thoughts/plan. i dont feel like it will work out.

 

[bed]

Just wanted to say that it isn't a competition for who has it worse and your struggles are equally as valid as everyone else's, i hope you can be kind to yourself and acknowledge that. You can also always retake the classes that you failed. I know you said you don't want to recover from anorexia but it might help with your goal of getting a handle on your suicidal thoughts. have you been to or considered an eating disorder therapy?

 

[slightoverlooked]

Just wanted to say that it isn't a competition for who has it worse and your struggles are equally as valid as everyone else's, i hope you can be kind to yourself and acknowledge that. You can also always retake the classes that you failed. I know you said you don't want to recover from anorexia but it might help with your goal of getting a handle on your suicidal thoughts. have you been to or considered an eating disorder therapy?

thank you :(( ur right about retaking classes it just annoys me bc it prolongs my time at uni doing my bachelors. i feel like a failure if i dont finish my bachelor in 6-7 semester.
and i have been in therapy for 2 years and my therapist knows about my ed but ig she doesnt take it that serious? idk. she works with a lot of anorexic teens and young adults and im sure they r doing much worse than me. also i have been losing and gaining the same weight for 2 years its the first time that i actually stayed underweight for so long plus im actively losing. maybe she will take me serious when im skinnier? idk. but i would probably leave therapy bc i genuinely dont want to gain weight. its my biggest nightmare. i almost planned my suicide and impulsively wanted to jump in front of the train bc i gained weight and ate one meal too much )ik this sounds so stupid and dramatic but this disorder genuinely makes me do these things).
its okay i will figure it out how to maintain a normal life while starving....i hope. if not then idk. :((

 

[missmyworld]

even if recovery is long, the time will pass

 

[bambie200]

Please don't apologize for venting anorexia is a bitch to recover from I know from experience too. And please don't base the severity of your struggle on how other people react to it!!! They have nooo idea what you're going through so they're irrelevant lol.
There isn't any one good way to recover so I hope you're just able to find a break from all the negativity in your brain, even just for a tiny bit. That's the first step to some peace and clarity

 

[slightoverlooked]

Please don't apologize for venting anorexia is a bitch to recover from I know from experience too. And please don't base the severity of your struggle on how other people react to it!!! They have nooo idea what you're going through so they're irrelevant lol.
There isn't any one good way to recover so I hope you're just able to find a break from all the negativity in your brain, even just for a tiny bit. That's the first step to some peace and clarity

thank you :((