Story Recovery by default?

[Dead beat dad]

Hello friends. I've been away a while and am writing as a kind of cathartic exercise more than anything else.
I've been depressed for long that I often wondered what recovery actually looked like and if it was possible.

There were good days and bad days. The urge to CTB came in different field strengths but was always there in the background.

Then in the last 3-4 months I have noticed that this 'background noise' was apparently gone.

I didn't feel any better, life was still as miserable as it had always been, none of the problems that I thought needed fixing had been fixed. But there it was, with no therapy, medication or change, the urge to CTB had gone.

And now I'm left in the forsaken limbo of indifference. I'm not happy but I don't want to CTB. If I died in an accident or something, I don't think I'd be too disappointed.

I don't know what it is to live or dream or what 'happy' really means. I feel institutionalisation by depression and now it's not really a thing there is just a vacuum, a void a sense of mindless plodding.

Now I don't want to CTB I don't know what I do want and more lamentably how to work this out.

They say it's better the devil you know... Well I've had my share of brushes with the devil and I honestly don't know...

I guess some people are only happy when their whinging... Maybe that's me and now is the time for therapy...

So recovered by default from the urge to CTB and now 'living' 'life' to to the 'full'...

Love and respect friends, thanks for reading if you did and I hope your journey is blessed with light and power and love of all things...

DBD

 

[timf]

A person that transitions out of pain may find it surprising that they can enter a realm that might almost be described as boredom.

The realm of happiness is not so much the absence of pain as it is the satisfaction of being able to help others. This is where real love can be found.

The realm of boredom can tempt people to indulge themselves which can frequently establish a path that can lead back to pain.

 

[Celerity]

A person that transitions out of pain may find it surprising that they can enter a realm that might almost be described as boredom.

The realm of happiness is not so much the absence of pain as it is the satisfaction of being able to help others. This is where real love can be found.

The realm of boredom can tempt people to indulge themselves which can frequently establish a path that can lead back to pain.

What do you mean by indulging yourself here? I'm trying to understand your point better.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

I have a similar problem. Once I cut out friends, stopped caring about work, and said fuck it to basically everything that I NEED to do there's not much to occupy your time. On top of that once you've planned everything to CTB you can't even really work on that. With the background noise gone things don't seem as bad, but that's because I'm not really trying to succeed at life.