Pluto
Meowing to go out
- Dec 27, 2020
- 4,034
I've been wanting to give an update on my recovery attempt for a while. However, things have been so unstable that only days ago, I was going to make a post in the main suicide forum about my failed recovery.
At this particular snapshot in time, I have two competing narratives. On one hand, the ongoing process of doing my legal will is my only major unfinished business in this world, and I've had decades in which to make a rational decision to CTB. As an ageing (early 40s) person dealing with chronic psychological pain, using my N is a decision that I think is fair to any reasonable person.
On the other hand, I want to put up a fight because there is one thing that I have never experienced in this world: love. I've had a few times when I felt close to friends, and I used to have a wonderful cat who loved to curl up beside me. But compared to a normie who takes for granted a spouse, etc., my life has been a dungeon of deathly loneliness. So here is a summary of what I've been doing.
Fitness
I always had stereotypes about gyms being places full of hyper-fit narcissists who would belittle beginners. But finding myself with a housemate who recommended a particular centre owned by the local council finally gave me a starting point. It has people of all ages and stages, and some real characters to boot. It's been about 2.5 months now.
What I have learned:
* It is good: The heavy exercise routines have proven a wonderful way of escaping from psychological pain and replacing it with 'constructive' physical pain. It is so addictive that I lament having to work which prevents me from going every single day. I sometimes push so hard that I struggle to walk and all movement is painful afterwards, which forces me to take a day off.
* Depression is bad: my attempts at gaining muscle to improve my ectomorph physique have been somewhat dubious. I quickly realised that the culprit is depression. There's no pleasure in eating, and often it feels like I am being physically drained in my chest. So to work around this, I am having to get into the habit of force-feeding myself to maintain a substantial food intake. Yet more fun.
Spirituality
Some of you will know I have an interest in Eastern philosophy, particularly the very direct approaches such as Zen or Advaita Vedanta which potentially lead to permanently overcoming suffering/ignorance. It is still something I routinely explore, and like a lottery, a breakthrough could potentially happen to anyone at any time.
But it may surprise you to hear me say that this has not been very helpful for me in recovery. Sometimes it can bring moments of peace, or periods of time in a state of presence. But for all practical purposes, there is an actual goal: a shift in identity as the ego-self is exposed as fictional. And if this hasn't happened after countless years, it only adds to the sense of this life being futile.
Being brutally honest is important on any path, spiritual or not. And for me, having someone to share my life with matters far more than striving for some elevated state of consciousness. To be dishonest about my priorities would amount to a 'spiritual bypass'. Now, being on a path like this WITH a partner is the most desirable thing of all.
Relationships
Some people would argue against attempting to find love amidst this chaos. However, considering loneliness is the predominant reason behind suicidality in the first place, I think it makes sense to make every effort.
I am using dating apps despite their notoriety. I've heard of people having success through sheer perseverance. Critiquing the inherent flaws of the apps, with their emphasis on superficiality/quantity over proper bonding, sometimes make for good conversation with others having the same frustrations.
I have countless emotional triggers around these topics due to my past. The common scenario of genuinely good women being used by narcissistic men is a fourfold emotional disaster for me: 1) I empathise with the women who are harmed and share their grief, 2) I feel anger at seeing narcissists smugly get away with murder over and over, 3) women who are thus exploited become hardened and cynical towards good men and 4) for me, dying alone isn't fun.
On the plus side, I have a bit going for me. I look a lot younger than I am. I'm slowly becoming reasonably fit. I have a house mostly paid off. And I have found that there are some women who are open to men with old-fashioned values. So I'm trying my best.
Friendships
I am trying to make use of the few friendships that I have to reduce my instability on this path. And that includes the good people of this site. In some ways, the odds are stacked against me, and it gives me comfort to know that I would have the deathbed gathering of this forum even in a worst case scenario. It also makes sense to put in the mother of all recovery efforts rather than going out with a whimper. So there we go.
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