Recovery after a life-long struggle with depression

[lucky]

Hi all,

I decided to make a new ss account after a long break from this place. I doubt anyone in the recovery section would have known me since I was mostly active in chat and on discord. I'm back here largely because I feel a little aimless, I don't know how to recover after a life-long struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. A little over a year ago I tried to ctb without a "good" reason, mostly giving into my desire for nothingness I suppose. Survival instinct kicked in right as I was about to drink the SN, so I'm still here I guess :(

I'm not actively suicidal anymore if that's worth anything, though I'm finding it very difficult to integrate myself back into society. From the outside I probably seem quite normal, but internally I feel like a total mess. I moved to a new city a couple months ago where I know nobody, after having landed my dream job. You'd think I would be happy about it, but I don't really feel anything. I spent the past 5 years working extremely hard in university just for me to end up in a state where I have nothing other than a damn job. I literally cannot think of a single thing that I value in my life other than my job. I have no meaningful accomplishments, no connections, I've missed out on so many life experiences, missed all opportunities to make friends, and just wasted my life away in school. How sad is that? I feel pathetic.

I haven't a clue where to go from here. I feel so alone in this world. How does one just turn their life around at 24? I don't know how to connect with people after having wasted my life away, with no meaningful life experiences to speak of, no hobbies, and no motivation. It sounds silly, but I don't even know what to talk about with normal people. The weather? Politics? Sports teams? I couldn't care less about any of it to be honest.

Thing is, I feel like recovery is feasible in the sense that if I just force myself to go make friends, start dating, explore the world, get hobbies, etc. then I could become "normal". But at the same time I simply lack the motivation to go out and do this. I feel like that doesn't make any sense when I type it out. I guess it doesn't make that much sense to me either if I'm being honest. But it's just how I feel. I'm just dragging myself along without any sense of direction. I don't feel like I need to ctb, but I don't have anything to live for either. I guess I'm just stuck, lost, and alone. I don't know where to go from here.

Re-reading myself, I realize that this thread is just as aimless as my own life. Not surprising, lol. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar? I'm not sure how to get out of this rut. ss is the only place I've ever been where I felt understood, and where I understood others.

 

[ven]

I'd say you're in a good position to seek the experiences you believe you missed, you have job security in your desired field and are young.

If you don't have any specific interests in new hobbies or motivation to do anything outside of work, you could increase professional development efforts and create relationships via workplace or conference contacts. If this isn't an option and your low motivation is preventing you from seeking what is considered a "normal" and "fulfilling" life, then you could try different medications designed to alter your neurotransmitters associated with motivation. Medication could help translate your desires into actions, but medication is not effective for everyone.

I was in a similar situation as you and I forced myself to seek what I'm "suppose" to seek--relationships and hobbies. Honestly, I am great at faking social behaviors despite knowing how false the projected identity is and my desires never normalized over time. I merely created obligations to tend to rather than the experiences providing any fulfilling feelings in response. The people I engaged in relationships with felt genuine feelings toward me, however, I never developed genuine feelings for them. I had to logically deduce how I should feel and convey that message verbally and non-verbally instead of unfiltered and genuine emotional reflections.

I wouldn't say that you're pathetic, you're just you and attempting to figure out what that is. Yes, it appears the natural motions of a human living are more fluid in people around us, but I can assure you that you're not alone in your difficulties.

 

[oliviahurts]

I'm not actively suicidal anymore if that's worth anything,

I feel like it should be worth something

though I'm finding it very difficult to integrate myself back into society. From the outside I probably seem quite normal, but internally I feel like a total mess. I moved to a new city a couple months ago where I know nobody, after having landed my dream job. You'd think I would be happy about it, but I don't really feel anything. I spent the past 5 years working extremely hard in university just for me to end up in a state where I have nothing other than a damn job. I literally cannot think of a single thing that I value in my life other than my job. I have no meaningful accomplishments, no connections, I've missed out on so many life experiences, missed all opportunities to make friends, and just wasted my life away in school. How sad is that? I feel pathetic.

I did pretty much the same thing. I was so focused on studying for years that I barely stopped to 'live'. I don't really talk to anyone these days except my mum, psych people, and people on here. When I notice that I'm able to enjoy things, I try to enjoy the simple things like the colors in the sky, a puzzle or a quiet moment in the company of my mum. I realize this sounds braggy that I can enjoy things, but sometimes I don't realize I can enjoy things because I don't try.

I haven't a clue where to go from here. I feel so alone in this world. How does one just turn their life around at 24? I don't know how to connect with people after having wasted my life away, with no meaningful life experiences to speak of, no hobbies, and no motivation. It sounds silly, but I don't even know what to talk about with normal people. The weather? Politics? Sports teams? I couldn't care less about any of it to be honest.

Thing is, I feel like recovery is feasible in the sense that if I just force myself to go make friends, start dating, explore the world, get hobbies, etc. then I could become "normal". But at the same time I simply lack the motivation to go out and do this. I feel like that doesn't make any sense when I type it out. I guess it doesn't make that much sense to me either if I'm being honest. But it's just how I feel. I'm just dragging myself along without any sense of direction. I don't feel like I need to ctb, but I don't have anything to live for either. I guess I'm just stuck, lost, and alone. I don't know where to go from here.

For me it was social anxiety that stopped me from trying things (and it still does). Often when I put in extreme amounts of effort to go to something, I'd find I didn't fit in or that the group was just rubbish. If you can't force yourself to go to anything, you could try online video games which was how I made some of my friends. Failing that, you can buy antidepressants online which is what I did.

Re-reading myself, I realize that this thread is just as aimless as my own life. Not surprising, lol. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar? I'm not sure how to get out of this rut. ss is the only place I've ever been where I felt understood, and where I understood others.

It made sense to me.

 

[Celerity]

I'm in the same spot at 28 minus the dream job. I too struggle to connect with people. The times I thought I did only to be cut off like a gangrenous limb have made me wary of seeking new relationships even though I know it's something I "should" do.

Then there's the aimlessness. I guess it's not surprising that someone who has wanted to kill themselves for most of their life doesn't know what they want, but it sure does suck to deal with. I made mistakes in regards to my career that I don't want to to make again, and this fear has paralyzed me, but I'm also running out of time to pursue something new.

 

[lucky]

If you don't have any specific interests in new hobbies or motivation to do anything outside of work, you could increase professional development efforts and create relationships via workplace or conference contacts. If this isn't an option and your low motivation is preventing you from seeking what is considered a "normal" and "fulfilling" life, then you could try different medications designed to alter your neurotransmitters associated with motivation. Medication could help translate your desires into actions, but medication is not effective for everyone.

I feel like professional development is all I've sought for way too long now, I need the other stuff that people normally enjoy in their lives. Maybe medication is really the best solution to get that motivation, I just feel extremely averse to it. Medication does not seem effective for most people and I think I'd rather be the way I am now than deal with all of the side effects of most meds. At least I'm not currently suffering too much. But, by the same token, I suppose that I am inherently judging psych medication from a position of ignorance since I've never tried them. I don't know, maybe it's worth considering as a last ditch effort.

I was in a similar situation as you and I forced myself to seek what I'm "suppose" to seek--relationships and hobbies. Honestly, I am great at faking social behaviors despite knowing how false the projected identity is and my desires never normalized over time. I merely created obligations to tend to rather than the experiences providing any fulfilling feelings in response. The people I engaged in relationships with felt genuine feelings toward me, however, I never developed genuine feelings for them. I had to logically deduce how I should feel and convey that message verbally and non-verbally instead of unfiltered and genuine emotional reflections.

Do you feel this way towards everyone? Do you, for instance, feel anything towards your family or friends? Would you be content without having any relationships with others, given that you don't experience feelings for them in the first place?

I can assure you that you're not alone in your difficulties.

Thanks, I appreciate it.

When I notice that I'm able to enjoy things, I try to enjoy the simple things like the colors in the sky, a puzzle or a quiet moment in the company of my mum. I realize this sounds braggy that I can enjoy things, but sometimes I don't realize I can enjoy things because I don't try.

I found this funny, only on ss could expressing the ability to enjoy the colours in the sky ever sound braggy haha. I can occasionally enjoy things like this too, I guess we shouldn't take it for granted.

For me it was social anxiety that stopped me from trying things (and it still does). Often when I put in extreme amounts of effort to go to something, I'd find I didn't fit in or that the group was just rubbish.

Social anxiety is a big thing for me too. Lately I've tried to force myself to socialize when opportunities pop up, but I rarely enjoy it if it involves larger groups. I don't feel like I'm any good at it, and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I'd maybe fit in if it were a group hermits, but by its very nature that group doesn't exist.

If you can't force yourself to go to anything, you could try online video games which was how I made some of my friends.

Video games are where I spent all my time throughout my childhood. I enjoy video games a lot more when I play them with friends, but I've since lost contact with all of my online friends. I had an irl friend I used to play video games with, but he's super busy with school nowadays so I'm back to being alone. I don't know, I guess this is my only hobby left, but it doesn't really feel fulfilling enough on its own.

Failing that, you can buy antidepressants online which is what I did.

Why buy them online instead of seeking a psychiatrist?

I'm also running out of time to pursue something new.

Do you say this because you think you're old? 28 doesn't seem too old to start something new?

 

[oliviahurts]

Social anxiety is a big thing for me too. Lately I've tried to force myself to socialize when opportunities pop up, but I rarely enjoy it if it involves larger groups. I don't feel like I'm any good at it, and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I'd maybe fit in if it were a group hermits, but by its very nature that group doesn't exist.

Video games are where I spent all my time throughout my childhood. I enjoy video games a lot more when I play them with friends, but I've since lost contact with all of my online friends. I had an irl friend I used to play video games with, but he's super busy with school nowadays so I'm back to being alone. I don't know, I guess this is my only hobby left, but it doesn't really feel fulfilling enough on its own.

I'm the same with large groups. I rarely go anywhere if it's got more than 10 people.

Why buy them online instead of seeking a psychiatrist?

Two reasons: 1. I was very scared of being sectioned at the time. 2. There were lots of barriers to seeing a psychiatrist (GP wouldn't refer me, care coordinator was an asshole) 3. Social anxiety.
I did end up seeing a psychiatrist eventually who prescribed me medication that somewhat helped which I supplemented with moodstabalizers that I bought online. Psychiatrists think they know your brain better than you.

 

[ven]

Medication does not seem effective for most people and I think I'd rather be the way I am now than deal with all of the side effects of most meds. At least I'm not currently suffering too much. But, by the same token, I suppose that I am inherently judging psych medication from a position of ignorance since I've never tried them. I don't know, maybe it's worth considering as a last ditch effort.

It's healthy to maintain skepticism and account for the possibility that the medication's negative side effects may potentially outweigh the benefits, leaving you worse off. If anyone in your family has a history of taking medications, that could be a starting point to estimate efficacy. Otherwise, you're subject to risk via trial by error. It's definitely an avenue worth exploring if reach the last ditch effort phase.

Do you feel this way towards everyone? Do you, for instance, feel anything towards your family or friends? Would you be content without having any relationships with others, given that you don't experience feelings for them in the first place?

Yep, it's a situation that prevents me from genuinely developing closer relationships with people, including family and friends. I have a general concern and empathy for people in general, but there's what seems like a hard coded barrier preventing interpersonal relationships from developing beyond that general concern. I'm okay without relationships, but I still desire social interaction and this desire partially explains why I'm on this forum I imagine.

 

[Celerity]

Do you say this because you think you're old? 28 doesn't seem too old to start something new?

Yes and no. I have chronic pain problems that interfere with my ability to perform physical labor. More importantly though, I don't have a partner and am relying financially on my parents while I try to work low-wage, flexible scheduling jobs (retail now) and go back to school. They had me late in life and are elderly. My dad can't work at all. My mom's health is much better but also starting to deteriorate at an accelerated rate. As my older brother has his own family, it is very, very likely that the responsibility for managing their household and taking care of them will fall to me. I must think very carefully about what I can do to get the financial situation for our family back in order (my dad ruined their finances) and about how I am going to take care of them in their old age, particularly as my dad is starting to show signs of cognitive decline.

Everyone tells me I have my whole life ahead of me, but I don't see a clear way where I get everything I want and accomplish my familial obligations at the same time. It's not ideal or fair, but it's life.

As all of these practical life problems read their ugly heads, I want to kick my younger self extra hard for being the idealistic fool that I was. I was booksmart enough that I found an opportunity where I thought I could have my cake and eat it too in academia. I was foolish enough to chase that uncertain lead for a chance at a life I thought I wanted instead of picking a more stable and lucrative career path.

 

[lyles]

I'm not actively suicidal anymore if that's worth anything, though I'm finding it very difficult to integrate myself back into society. From the outside I probably seem quite normal, but internally I feel like a total mess.

That is worth something, absolutely. It's important to know that recovery isn't a straight line, there will always be ups and downs. It's alright if you aren't doing great right now. This point in life isn't reflective of your future, yknow?

I moved to a new city a couple months ago where I know nobody, after having landed my dream job. You'd think I would be happy about it, but I don't really feel anything. I spent the past 5 years working extremely hard in university just for me to end up in a state where I have nothing other than a damn job. I literally cannot think of a single thing that I value in my life other than my job. I have no meaningful accomplishments, no connections, I've missed out on so many life experiences, missed all opportunities to make friends, and just wasted my life away in school. How sad is that? I feel pathetic.

You are not pathetic. A lot of people are lonely, more than they'd like to admit. But you are also still very young! 24 is young, despite what media or whatever else people portray. You haven't wasted your life away, you have as much of it left to go as you want.

If you'd like some advice, I recommend looking into different community programs/events available. Volunteering regularly at shelters or food banks, for example, was really nice to help me meet new people and integrate into the new places I lived. Or even doing things at local events or places like libraries. I'm Jewish so I go to the local synagogue when I move somewhere new to meet people. You can also often find things based on hobbies you are into! Like, a local game shop may have game tournaments or advertisements for DnD campaigns. I'm sure there are loads of sports-related community events around. If you don't have a specific thing you are into that you can connect with other people on then you can always try something new too. I like going to different language learning courses or group art meet-ups! While the whole pandemic thing can make this harder, there are options available for connection if you want them.

I haven't a clue where to go from here. I feel so alone in this world. How does one just turn their life around at 24? I don't know how to connect with people after having wasted my life away, with no meaningful life experiences to speak of, no hobbies, and no motivation. It sounds silly, but I don't even know what to talk about with normal people. The weather? Politics? Sports teams? I couldn't care less about any of it to be honest.

You are not alone. Not in this feeling and not in anything else. It's alright if there's not something you are passionate about right now. This could be a sort of chance to start over, get into things. You can ask other people what they enjoy, why they enjoy it, pursue any number of things as you move forward. You are young though, you got time to figure this out.

Thing is, I feel like recovery is feasible in the sense that if I just force myself to go make friends, start dating, explore the world, get hobbies, etc. then I could become "normal". But at the same time I simply lack the motivation to go out and do this. I feel like that doesn't make any sense when I type it out. I guess it doesn't make that much sense to me either if I'm being honest. But it's just how I feel. I'm just dragging myself along without any sense of direction. I don't feel like I need to ctb, but I don't have anything to live for either. I guess I'm just stuck, lost, and alone. I don't know where to go from here.

Recovery is exhausting. Even getting up from bed can be sometimes. It doesn't need to make sense to be true. Feelings don't need to be rational to be real. Take things a step at a time, set realistic expectations for yourself. Be as forgiving and patient as you can be. You are going through a lot and battling something a lot of people never even realize. I am really proud of you though, for being honest with how you feel and being able to voice it here. I know that coming from a stranger can't mean as much but I am saying it sincerely.

Take it a day at a time though. If it means just having a conversation a day, going to one new place a week, going on a walk, whatever this process looks like for you, that's fine. Whatever you feel like you can give is enough.

Re-reading myself, I realize that this thread is just as aimless as my own life. Not surprising, lol. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar? I'm not sure how to get out of this rut. ss is the only place I've ever been where I felt understood, and where I understood others.

You made sense to me, I've felt a lot of what you are feeling. I'm sorry if any of my advice came off as... preachy? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how to talk about these things without giving off a weird impression. Feel free to disregard any of what I say, obviously, but I hope that if anything I say here can help it does.

 

[lucky]

@ven
@Celerity
@lyles
@oliviahurts

Sorry, I've been meaning to reply to each of you but have felt so exhausted and tired this weekend. Wanted to at least acknowledge all of your comments -- they are very much appreciated.

 

[lyles]

Sorry, I've been meaning to reply to each of you but have felt so exhausted and tired this weekend. Wanted to at least acknowledge all of your comments -- they are very much appreciated.

No worries, take care of yourself first and foremost! I am sending you my best vibes and I hope you are able to feel at least a bit better rested soon.