Hi all! First post.
I'll mostly just post what I wrote while registering on this forum, since it's a good description of where I'm at.
For most of my life, I didn't want to be alive, but I was managing and mostly functional in my daily life.
A year ago I had a stress-induced psychotic break (it was the first psychotic episode I ever had). I'm no longer psychotic - not for a long time now - but my brain hasn't been the same. Many things that felt meaningful, or fun, or interesting, just don't engage me the same way anymore. I can still find some pleasure in a few activities, and I still care about the people in my life, but I don't know if that's enough to make life worth living, to make me keep going.
It's been like that for months now. I've 'felt' suicidal before, but now it's not a "spur-of-the-moment" thing, it's something I'm deliberately considering.
I can't talk about this to most people - I tried a couple of times (e.g. with my psychiatrist), but usually that leads to a black-and-white argument, instead of the kind of nuanced discussion I need. If I mention that I still enjoy some things, or that I feel less horrible now than I did right after my episode, or that I don't want to be in pain, that's used as 'evidence' that I don't 'really' want to die and that I'm 'getting better' and 'should' be hopeful.
In these conversations, I feel like I'm forced to either 'defend' the part of me that wants to die and 'betray' the part of me that doesn't ("yes it IS that bad, yes I DO want to die - and if I 'REALLY MEAN' that I have to stop enjoying badminton and spending time with friends, and I should stop trying to get support, and I should just kill myself and be done with it"), or I have to 'defend' the part of me that wants to live and 'betray' the part that wants to die ("yes my life still has nice moments, and part of me wants to hold on to that, so I HAVE to stay alive indefinitely and be hopeful about getting better").
I need a place where I can process both sides of the story, without being forced to choose one over the other. Where "I want to die" doesn't equate with "there's nothing good in my life", and "I'm not ready to die" doesn't equate with "it's not that bad" or "I'm weak-willed and pathetic".
Maybe I'll decide to die, maybe I'll decide to live, maybe I'll stay on the fence forever, I don't know. But I really need a place where I can think and talk about this without being pressured to "choose a side" or "prove a point".
I'll mostly just post what I wrote while registering on this forum, since it's a good description of where I'm at.
For most of my life, I didn't want to be alive, but I was managing and mostly functional in my daily life.
A year ago I had a stress-induced psychotic break (it was the first psychotic episode I ever had). I'm no longer psychotic - not for a long time now - but my brain hasn't been the same. Many things that felt meaningful, or fun, or interesting, just don't engage me the same way anymore. I can still find some pleasure in a few activities, and I still care about the people in my life, but I don't know if that's enough to make life worth living, to make me keep going.
It's been like that for months now. I've 'felt' suicidal before, but now it's not a "spur-of-the-moment" thing, it's something I'm deliberately considering.
I can't talk about this to most people - I tried a couple of times (e.g. with my psychiatrist), but usually that leads to a black-and-white argument, instead of the kind of nuanced discussion I need. If I mention that I still enjoy some things, or that I feel less horrible now than I did right after my episode, or that I don't want to be in pain, that's used as 'evidence' that I don't 'really' want to die and that I'm 'getting better' and 'should' be hopeful.
In these conversations, I feel like I'm forced to either 'defend' the part of me that wants to die and 'betray' the part of me that doesn't ("yes it IS that bad, yes I DO want to die - and if I 'REALLY MEAN' that I have to stop enjoying badminton and spending time with friends, and I should stop trying to get support, and I should just kill myself and be done with it"), or I have to 'defend' the part of me that wants to live and 'betray' the part that wants to die ("yes my life still has nice moments, and part of me wants to hold on to that, so I HAVE to stay alive indefinitely and be hopeful about getting better").
I need a place where I can process both sides of the story, without being forced to choose one over the other. Where "I want to die" doesn't equate with "there's nothing good in my life", and "I'm not ready to die" doesn't equate with "it's not that bad" or "I'm weak-willed and pathetic".
Maybe I'll decide to die, maybe I'll decide to live, maybe I'll stay on the fence forever, I don't know. But I really need a place where I can think and talk about this without being pressured to "choose a side" or "prove a point".
