Nekohime
Eh, I’ve been better …
- Oct 4, 2022
- 13
Hello all :) this is my first post.
I have an experience from a recent suicide attempt on my mind, and I feel like I haven't been able to open up to anybody about this but you guys, so thank you in advance for being there for me :)
I have attempted in the past, and I have done attempts more severe than the attempt that I had done a few days ago, but I have NEVER had an attempt make me feel as scared as my most recent attempt.
I guess because every time I've had a severe attempt I've either vomited it up or I was hospitalised before the 'cut-off' point. But, I have never felt as scared and alone after an attempt as I did a few days ago.
I overdosed on a prescription, I won't say the name as this post is NOT intended as an idea, but the amount I took was not even enough for the standard lethal amount, but for some reason it really messed with my body in a way that I legit thought I was going to die, I mean I felt like I was gonna die at any moment. It's a really specific feeling - different from the day-to-day paranoia I get. Like something was breathing down my neck waiting for me to die. It was terrifying.
Basically, I took the pills until I felt sleepy, and the individual amount in each pill is relatively low so I had to take a lot of pills, and then afterwards I randomly had a craving for Subway (?) which I gave into since I thought it would be 'the last meal', so, half-asleep I waited for that to arrive and I couldn't even finish it all cuz by that point my eyes kept wanting to close.
I then went to bed shortly after, around early afternoon, and I basically was fading in and out of consciousness for hours, until around noon the next day, and my dream - if you could even call it a dream - I vaguely remember that I was staring at some stone wall - like a castle wall - with moss. Each time I fell 'asleep' all I remember is that image.
If you've ever 'dreamt' after fainting then you may know what I mean, as the dreams I've had whenever I've fainted were similar, where it's just one scene, sometimes with repetition (like flashing lights), but besides that it's just one still scene, like staring at an image of a house.
Then, whenever I would wake up between the moments that I was 'sleeping' I was completely paralysed, but also completely self-aware. My tongue was hanging out of my mouth, I was drooling, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move at all - I was just completely paralysed. I remember wanting to roll over to grab my phone so I could text someone or Google my symptoms, but I couldn't even roll over to do that.
Even though I couldn't physically move, my mind was racing - and for some reason I had this extremely strong fear that I was going to die any second, I mean I have NEVER had this feeling before in all my attempts where I literally thought any second everything would just 'stop'. Every attempt I always knew I had at least a couple days to come to terms with death.
It was terrifying, and in those moments all I wanted was my family by my bedside, and I don't even get along with half of them, but I couldn't shake this fear that I was going to die, and by then my survival instinct had fully taken over that I literally repeated in my head 'please don't die, please don't die,'
It took me a whole day to feel normal again and nobody but you guys know I attempted and went through this scary experience, I just wanted to get this of my chest because it has been eating at me inside my mind.
I am still suicidal despite this experience, as I feel like I'm in a really tricky situation that I can't escape otherwise, and like I've fought a good fight but now it's time to go, but it definitely was a new experience for me …
I am curious if you guys have ever had this feeling when you have attempted, this strong feeling like you would die any second and that you were just waiting for everything to 'stop' and like something was breathing down your neck during this time, waiting for you to die.
I think another reason why this has shaken me is because suicide is supposed to help me regain some control, but in this experience I felt like the decision was no longer in my hands …
Once again this post is just to vent as I can't stop thinking about this, sorry this post is long.
I hope everybody's day/night is going ok and thank you for reading :)
I have an experience from a recent suicide attempt on my mind, and I feel like I haven't been able to open up to anybody about this but you guys, so thank you in advance for being there for me :)
I have attempted in the past, and I have done attempts more severe than the attempt that I had done a few days ago, but I have NEVER had an attempt make me feel as scared as my most recent attempt.
I guess because every time I've had a severe attempt I've either vomited it up or I was hospitalised before the 'cut-off' point. But, I have never felt as scared and alone after an attempt as I did a few days ago.
I overdosed on a prescription, I won't say the name as this post is NOT intended as an idea, but the amount I took was not even enough for the standard lethal amount, but for some reason it really messed with my body in a way that I legit thought I was going to die, I mean I felt like I was gonna die at any moment. It's a really specific feeling - different from the day-to-day paranoia I get. Like something was breathing down my neck waiting for me to die. It was terrifying.
Basically, I took the pills until I felt sleepy, and the individual amount in each pill is relatively low so I had to take a lot of pills, and then afterwards I randomly had a craving for Subway (?) which I gave into since I thought it would be 'the last meal', so, half-asleep I waited for that to arrive and I couldn't even finish it all cuz by that point my eyes kept wanting to close.
I then went to bed shortly after, around early afternoon, and I basically was fading in and out of consciousness for hours, until around noon the next day, and my dream - if you could even call it a dream - I vaguely remember that I was staring at some stone wall - like a castle wall - with moss. Each time I fell 'asleep' all I remember is that image.
If you've ever 'dreamt' after fainting then you may know what I mean, as the dreams I've had whenever I've fainted were similar, where it's just one scene, sometimes with repetition (like flashing lights), but besides that it's just one still scene, like staring at an image of a house.
Then, whenever I would wake up between the moments that I was 'sleeping' I was completely paralysed, but also completely self-aware. My tongue was hanging out of my mouth, I was drooling, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move at all - I was just completely paralysed. I remember wanting to roll over to grab my phone so I could text someone or Google my symptoms, but I couldn't even roll over to do that.
Even though I couldn't physically move, my mind was racing - and for some reason I had this extremely strong fear that I was going to die any second, I mean I have NEVER had this feeling before in all my attempts where I literally thought any second everything would just 'stop'. Every attempt I always knew I had at least a couple days to come to terms with death.
It was terrifying, and in those moments all I wanted was my family by my bedside, and I don't even get along with half of them, but I couldn't shake this fear that I was going to die, and by then my survival instinct had fully taken over that I literally repeated in my head 'please don't die, please don't die,'
It took me a whole day to feel normal again and nobody but you guys know I attempted and went through this scary experience, I just wanted to get this of my chest because it has been eating at me inside my mind.
I am still suicidal despite this experience, as I feel like I'm in a really tricky situation that I can't escape otherwise, and like I've fought a good fight but now it's time to go, but it definitely was a new experience for me …
I am curious if you guys have ever had this feeling when you have attempted, this strong feeling like you would die any second and that you were just waiting for everything to 'stop' and like something was breathing down your neck during this time, waiting for you to die.
I think another reason why this has shaken me is because suicide is supposed to help me regain some control, but in this experience I felt like the decision was no longer in my hands …
Once again this post is just to vent as I can't stop thinking about this, sorry this post is long.
I hope everybody's day/night is going ok and thank you for reading :)
