On February 28, I attempted suicide. It did not work. I don't know how, but I woke up. You would think I blacked out for a short period of time, but I still opened my eyes again. The first thing I felt was an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia and panic since I used a metal bar in my closet to hang the rope. I could felt how hard the rope was squeezing my neck, and the lack of air which caused my brathing to be agitated. Even so, I remember that there was a feeling that I could categorize as the worst of all, it was a combination of hopelessness and helplessness to feel that my only attempt to escape from all the pain that life had caused me had not worked. I was thinking in my head: 'Now what am I supposed to do next?'
I feel somewhat better now. I had surgery on March 21, but that is no guarantee that my health problems will be fixed, and that's scary. I would like to know if things are just going to get better or not, so that I can take a decision now, and not lose any more time. I just don't want to do a lot of effort for nothing. But I don't consider myself able to do it again.
I feel so ridiculous when sometimes I tell myself that I will push thorugh everything only to end up failing again and again lol.
How scary it is to be alive.
Just gotta push through the pain I guess.
I feel somewhat better now. I had surgery on March 21, but that is no guarantee that my health problems will be fixed, and that's scary. I would like to know if things are just going to get better or not, so that I can take a decision now, and not lose any more time. I just don't want to do a lot of effort for nothing. But I don't consider myself able to do it again.
I feel so ridiculous when sometimes I tell myself that I will push thorugh everything only to end up failing again and again lol.
How scary it is to be alive.
Just gotta push through the pain I guess.
