Reasons to live

[trapdoor]

I'd like to preface this by saying that I'm not here to try to convince anyone to stick around or anything. Just here to discuss and maybe get some advice.

I have a few months (2-3) before I can ctb. The problem is, I keep finding reasons to stay. Normally, and for anyone else, this would be good news. But it's just frustrating. I've already made up my mind; the reasons I find are trivial at best and nothing compared to the pain I'm in, but for some reason they keep coming to mind and for a moment, I want to stay. For example, I'm a huge marvel fan, and I REALLY want to see Thunderbolts, and also Secret Wars, which doesn't come out until 2027. Anytime I think about my plan, these movies come to mind and I hesitate. Furthermore, I am curious to see what happens next. I'm curious to see where my life takes me. I was planning to move to New York, and I'm curious to see if I do and what happens when I get there. But I KNOW, logically, that these small things are nothing compared to the pain I'm in. I've wanted to ctb my entire life, and now I finally am ready and have made peace with it. Why can I not just accept that I won't be alive to see these movies, and move on?

I don't know. Maybe I should stick around for a little while longer. Or maybe I should suck it up and ctb. Thoughts?

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Don't let anyone guilt trip you to ctbing. That's just wrong. Live if you must and enjoy the little life you have and see how it goes from there. It is a hard decision, but I know how important it is for you to feel life you know for the very last time, so what you need to do is listen to your own heart <3

 

[OTanerd]

Why is it that the most trivial and simple things are the ones that keep us alive? Could it be because, within these everyday moments, lies the little beauty I can find in life? Like the books I haven't read yet, the songs still waiting to be heard, or simply the new people I will meet along the way. I don't know. I always end up lying down, unable to see all these possibilities of brightness because I choose to remain in a state of misery, unwilling to move forward. It's too late for me.

But from what I read in your post, you haven't lost that glimmer of curiosity about what comes next—what if I die and miss out on something? I think those are questions that still hold the possibility of happiness.

The truth is, I am not the one to tell you whether you should keep living or not—that is your decision. But even if the things keeping you here seem small, it's those little things that matter the most in the end.

 

[danny10]

For me, there are four reasons to live: my daughter, my mother, my wife and my father.
I do the same as you: I set dates on why it is good to stay alive: my daughter's birthday, our family moving into a bigger apartement, my mother's birthday, etc, etc. I try to find important days in the near future that keeps me going. It helped with the suicidal ideation too.

 

[Forveleth]

I am in the same boat. I have small reasons to live every day but am overall miserable.

As I have some attempts under my belt, here is my thought. There will be a day when the little things are no longer enough to balance out the misery. That is the day you kill yourself. I have had a few of those days when the excitement over a new game or projects I wanted to complete was gone and what mattered was ending my suffering.

If there is something lingering you are way more likely to have SI or half-ass your attempt which means failure and potential injury. It sucks, but this is what I have found works best for me. You just have to wait until you feel ready.