Venting Reasons to go on

[123die]

I have a 13-month-old son. He's going to be starting daycare very soon. I've been waiting for him to get into daycare cause once he's in daycare, I'm free to die. But there's a couple things stopping me:
-For one thing, choosing a guaranteed method.
-Making sure that my son will be taken care of.
-I'm Indigenous (Native for anyone who doesn't know what that means) but the member of my family that it comes from is racist and went to extreme lengths to keep me from knowing. So just in the last few months, I've started reconnecting. And I want to get comfortable with that part of my identity before I die. And I want to help other Indigenous people who grew up disconnected, and dance and sing at pow wows and know the spirituality of this part of my culture and all these things.
-I want to see if I'll be in love again

 

[Redt2go]

This is all so lovely. (The indigenous reconnectiom part ) youhave much to live for

 

[DownInaHole]

You have a worthy purpose. Stick around no matter how bleak it looks. If you walk in the right direction (not always easy to see) you'll get better.

 

[Lara Francis]

I have a 13-month-old son. He's going to be starting daycare very soon. I've been waiting for him to get into daycare cause once he's in daycare, I'm free to die. But there's a couple things stopping me:
-For one thing, choosing a guaranteed method.
-Making sure that my son will be taken care of.
-I'm Indigenous (Native for anyone who doesn't know what that means) but the member of my family that it comes from is racist and went to extreme lengths to keep me from knowing. So just in the last few months, I've started reconnecting. And I want to get comfortable with that part of my identity before I die. And I want to help other Indigenous people who grew up disconnected, and dance and sing at pow wows and know the spirituality of this part of my culture and all these things.
-I want to see if I'll be in love again

Hi.
It sounds like u have found a calling.
Maybe helping others by reflecting on your own experiences and being truely able to understand and relate maybe the first and most important steps to help yourself ,not only for you but for your boy too.
You will b able to share these memories with your boy giving him also a sense of identity and belonging.
Its awful that you were lied to.my father is racist to and i hate it and know how it effects us when it shouldnt even be of any relevence at all.
I wish you well on your new journey x

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi @123die although you have waited for your son to be this age so you can leave him and ctb, it actually seems that you might have something very special you can share with him as a future together - your indigenous heritage. I think it's amazing that you have discovered it, even though people have tried to keep it from you, and even more wonderful that you embrace it as it should be.

You can share this with your child so it won't get lost and future generations will have something to hold on to. It is of great importance that the indigenous cultures and traditions are not lost. This may be your calling - and who knows who you may meet on your new adventures.

 

[21Neberg]

Have you given therapy a shot yet for your son? Its something to consider, as he will need his dad and I'm sure you two love each other very much.

 

[brighter]

You've got something really good to hold onto and I think you should think about this:
If you die then your son will most likely be brought up by the family that lied and kept your heritage from you.
You seem to care about your roots, so maybe you should stick around to pass it on. I don't think there's anyone better to do that for him than you and they might just lie to him as well.
Hope happiness and love find you x

 

[123die]

This is all so lovely. (The indigenous reconnectiom part ) youhave much to live for

Thank you <3

 

[123die]

Hi.
It sounds like u have found a calling.
Maybe helping others by reflecting on your own experiences and being truely able to understand and relate maybe the first and most important steps to help yourself ,not only for you but for your boy too.
You will b able to share these memories with your boy giving him also a sense of identity and belonging.
Its awful that you were lied to.my father is racist to and i hate it and know how it effects us when it shouldnt even be of any relevence at all.
I wish you well on your new journey x

Racism is a daemon :(
Thank you <3

 

[123die]

Hi @123die although you have waited for your son to be this age so you can leave him and ctb, it actually seems that you might have something very special you can share with him as a future together - your indigenous heritage. I think it's amazing that you have discovered it, even though people have tried to keep it from you, and even more wonderful that you embrace it as it should be.

You can share this with your child so it won't get lost and future generations will have something to hold on to. It is of great importance that the indigenous cultures and traditions are not lost. This may be your calling - and who knows who you may meet on your new adventures.

Thank you for this response, I cried as I read it. Maybe it is my calling, I don't know yet.
You're very right about Indigenous cultures getting lost and that. It's so important. I've heard of people healing from mental illness and stuff once they felt reconnected with their culture. I'm hopeful it will help somehow.

 

[123die]

Have you given therapy a shot yet for your son? Its something to consider, as he will need his dad and I'm sure you two love each other very much.

I've been in therapy since I was like six (I'm 18). I've been through a lot of shit

 

[123die]

You've got something really good to hold onto and I think you should think about this:
If you die then your son will most likely be brought up by the family that lied and kept your heritage from you.
You seem to care about your roots, so maybe you should stick around to pass it on. I don't think there's anyone better to do that for him than you and they might just lie to him as well.
Hope happiness and love find you x

Thank you so much <3

 

[JustAboutDone]

Thank you for this response, I cried as I read it. Maybe it is my calling, I don't know yet.
You're very right about Indigenous cultures getting lost and that. It's so important. I've heard of people healing from mental illness and stuff once they felt reconnected with their culture. I'm hopeful it will help somehow.

I am optimistic for you that it will be a big turning point and a beacon that will light the way. And not only for you, but I hope that maybe others will see your strength and be able to also find their roots and heritage. It must not be lost. It is such a sad thing when people are made to feel ashamed of their past when they should be proud of who they are and where they come from - always. It's in our lifeblood, our DNA.

 

[Sickman75]

I have a 13-month-old son. He's going to be starting daycare very soon. I've been waiting for him to get into daycare cause once he's in daycare, I'm free to die. But there's a couple things stopping me:
-For one thing, choosing a guaranteed method.
-Making sure that my son will be taken care of.
-I'm Indigenous (Native for anyone who doesn't know what that means) but the member of my family that it comes from is racist and went to extreme lengths to keep me from knowing. So just in the last few months, I've started reconnecting. And I want to get comfortable with that part of my identity before I die. And I want to help other Indigenous people who grew up disconnected, and dance and sing at pow wows and know the spirituality of this part of my culture and all these things.
-I want to see if I'll be in love again

Did you know the native Indian has the highest suicide rate in the country and the lowest population count at 4 percent? I think once you reconnect and get back to your people and with mother nature you will find yourself much happier.
Listen to some John Trudell on YouTube in his later years, the way he talks. Maybe you can identify with some of that. I know I did. I'll find some that I like repost it here. I have to go shovel snow right now.

 

[color_me_gone]

I've been in therapy since I was like six (I'm 18). I've been through a lot of shit

You are at an age where almost everybody considers suicide.
I believe everybody goes through it, some have it worse, some not so bad.
I am 66, and I can remember being depressed since I was 5 years old.
Sometime around your age, I tried to ctb (catch the bus (commit suicide)) by running a car in an enclosed garage.
This was 1970, so I was also 18.
Cars back then produced a lot of carbon monoxide, so it was possible to die from it (not anymore with pollution controls).
Anyway, I let the car run for about 10 minutes, and started to feel dizzy.
I decided at the last minute that I didn't want to die, so I stopped the engine, and went outside.

After that, things did get better, and I am glad I didn't go through with it.

You are at an age with a lot of unknowns, and a lot of stresses.
Everybody goes through it. Some decide to leave, some decide to stay.
I decided to stay, and I have no regrets.

You have a little baby boy, who is precious to you.
That little boy needs his daddy more than you could ever imagine.
You can build your life around your son.
Give him unconditional love, and he will more than return that unconditional love.
You will have a love for each other that extends beyond the love of a relationship.
It is the greatest gift anyone on earth can ever get.
Your son will give you something to live for - I guarantee it.
Peace to you.

 

[123die]

I am optimistic for you that it will be a big turning point and a beacon that will light the way. And not only for you, but I hope that maybe others will see your strength and be able to also find their roots and heritage. It must not be lost. It is such a sad thing when people are made to feel ashamed of their past when they should be proud of who they are and where they come from - always. It's in our lifeblood, our DNA.

Thank you for your optimism, it is truly helpful. It is really a terrible thing when people anybody feels that way about where they come from. For a lot of Indigenous people who have been disconnected from their culture, we internalize a lot of racism and it ends up hurting us a lot.

 

[123die]

Did you know the native Indian has the highest suicide rate in the country and the lowest population count at 4 percent? I think once you reconnect and get back to your people and with mother nature you will find yourself much happier.
Listen to some John Trudell on YouTube in his later years, the way he talks. Maybe you can identify with some of that. I know I did. I'll find some that I like repost it here. I have to go shovel snow right now.

I did know that! There are many factors going into the suicide part. Please don't call us Indians though, in Canada non-Indigenous people should call us Indigenous people. I think it will help at least, yeah
And okay! I will. Thanks.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Thank you for your optimism, it is truly helpful. It is really a terrible thing when people anybody feels that way about where they come from. For a lot of Indigenous people who have been disconnected from their culture, we internalize a lot of racism and it ends up hurting us a lot.

Of course and racism is a despicable thing - often born of gross ignorance so I hope with more people being able to feel pride and a connection with their culture you can educate the ignorant and the racism and prejudice will cease :-)

 

[123die]

You are at an age where almost everybody considers suicide.
I believe everybody goes through it, some have it worse, some not so bad.
I am 66, and I can remember being depressed since I was 5 years old.
Sometime around your age, I tried to ctb (catch the bus (commit suicide)) by running a car in an enclosed garage.
This was 1970, so I was also 18.
Cars back then produced a lot of carbon monoxide, so it was possible to die from it (not anymore with pollution controls).
Anyway, I let the car run for about 10 minutes, and started to feel dizzy.
I decided at the last minute that I didn't want to die, so I stopped the engine, and went outside.

After that, things did get better, and I am glad I didn't go through with it.

You are at an age with a lot of unknowns, and a lot of stresses.
Everybody goes through it. Some decide to leave, some decide to stay.
I decided to stay, and I have no regrets.

You have a little baby boy, who is precious to you.
That little boy needs his daddy more than you could ever imagine.
You can build your life around your son.
Give him unconditional love, and he will more than return that unconditional love.
You will have a love for each other that extends beyond the love of a relationship.
It is the greatest gift anyone on earth can ever get.
Your son will give you something to live for - I guarantee it.
Peace to you.

Thank you for this response! I really appreciate that you put so much into it. He does need me, and I do need him, but it's extremely difficult to keep going through all the stress.

 

[123die]

Thank you!!! Are you also Native??

 

[Sickman75]

Thank you for this response! I really appreciate that you put so much into it. He does need me, and I do need him, but it's extremely difficult to keep going through all the stress.

John has been thru it all. He has alot of stuff out there some of it makes sense and some of it is good and so e of it. Isn't. But he was trying to get natives to open up and see what's going on and why your feeling the way you feel. It's not a coincidence you feel the way you feel. Your programed to think that.

 

[Sickman75]

Thank you!!! Are you also Native??

My uncle claims we are somewhat I don't know if that's true or not. I can't grow any hair lmao. Have the cheekbones. He said we came down from Canada. I really don't know to be honest. I really like John trudell tho. He sorta opened me up at aspecial time in my life you could say. He's got some good stuff out there to ponder upon. They killed his wife and son in a fire they thought he was in there to but he wasnt. They didn't want him talking like he did back then. He was pretty powerful. He took over Alcatraz back in the 70s