Discussion reasons to die vs live

[immolation]

i dont want anyone to try to convince anyone about either side. i just want to share my own reasons + hear other peoples !! i know everyones reasons unique and i really want to hear other perspectives on life vs death.
(also reasons to live could be reasons you dont want to die, and/or just reasons you dont ctb right at this moment)

my reasons to die:
the repetitive monotony of living honestly terrifies me. any emotion, be it positive or negative, is temporary. every experience is temporary. by being born, i was essentially sentenced to a lifetime of one meaningless experience after another. i cant conceptualize a reason why anything exists, and that really scares me. living 80 whole years of just pointlessness and dying of old age just seems like a waste to me, and i would really rather not. especially if im not even enjoying it. death and mortality comfort me about the horrifying concept of eternity. so ive been at terms with the fact that when i die, it will either be suicide or some unexpected accident.

If everything is pointless, why dont i just die right now? why am i making an active choice to stay alive?

my reasons to live:
at the moment im really neutral on living, and knowing i could choose to leave at any time makes me appreciate it more. i dont really get sad about things anymore because i know i have the option to just end it. this thought is always in the back of my mind, and its euphoric. i might as well experience things while im here, and if im ever scared or miserable or even just bored, it can end right then and there. i dont have to do stupid things i hate to prepare for anything long-term because i know that there wont *be* a long-term. and i can do stupid dangerous things i enjoy without any fear of dying. also, im very aware of the fact that im young. i dont feel like ive experienced enough of life to decide to be done yet. right now a lot of my life is up to my parents, but in less than 3 years ill be fully free to do whatever i want.


my plan is to experience that freedom for a while, then end it if i feel bored or finished. i do occasionally wonder why i drag it out if i know ill just end it eventually, because everything is pointless and all, but my general mindset is to cross that bridge when i come to it. and maybe in the future ill change my mind and actively oppose death? ive always viewed death as a positive and an escape.

 

[Macedonian1987]

Since I'm going to be ctb in a year or two I'm experiencing a period of freedom. Spending my life savings that I have accumulated in the past 10 or so years, in just a 1-2 years period, living life to the fullest, while I secretly hold in my hands the plastic bottle of SN in my hand from time to time. I don't know why, but when I hold it, it gives me some sort of weird comfort.

I would advice all of you who are 100% sure that you are going to ctb in the near future to do the same. Try and live your life to the fullest before you leave this world. You owe it to yourselves. <3

 

[promise.i.tried]

Hi. Thank you so much for sharing. For me, reasons to die:
I literally mess up everything in my life. Just yesterday I hurt someone I deeply care about and I don't even have the heart to apologize. I'm really pathetic. I don't think I was supposed to be born at all. My mom had me at old age and I was born with a lot of complications. Doctors told her I wouldn't live up to 5 years old but she fought for me, I wish she hadn't. My first attempt was when I was 13 and I might make another today. I'm scared I'm gonna fail coz I've failed so many times over the years. I'm 22 now by the way and I'm positive I've overstayed my welcome here.


My reasons to live:
Just my family, friends and other people around me. Everyone thinks I'm strong and are proud I've made it this far. I hate to upset them but I console myself with the thought that they'll get over it like any other death. I so wish I could make my ctb look accidental so that everyone would think my illness finally took me out. I've tried everything, od, not taking my medication and everytime I fail dismally. I end up hospitalized and my mom is hell-bent on trying to make me better. I have a psychologist that I keep ghosting but everyone insists I talk to her. I hate it. They think I have potential. They talk about how they look forward to my graduation but I'm failing. I have no energy to study coz I don't want to be here. I was academically excluded because I performed so bad but I never told my family because I hate disappointing them. Wow, this is a lot now.


Generally, I strongly believe everyone's life will be better without me in it. People won't get hurt by me and my mom will rest from all the medical expenses and just focus on living a happy life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My reasons to die are kind of similar to yours OP. Really just the never ending monotony and grind of life. It's just a never ending sequence of chores and expectations placed on us. I'm simply tired and I've had enough. I do what I can to try and bribe myself through with distractions and treats but, it's like pulling teeth ultimately. Plus, it's not really for me anymore. I get very little satisfaction out of life. Not to the extent that I feel no joy at all but, it's not worth the effort or- what I need to pay for it- in my experience. My suicide would also be a form of harm prevention. I don't want to experience old age, a penniless retirement and illness alone.

My reasons to live aren't at all positive really. They're more about avoiding negatives. I don't want my suicide to devastate my Dad. To be brutally honest- I'm not staying so as to spend time with him. I hardly see him in fact. It's more just fearing what it would likely do to him. So- the relationship is more of a tether than a support. I think fear of attempting/ attempting and failing/ some fear of an afterlife will likely end up making me hesitate too. But- there's nothing really good keeping me trapped here. It's all obligation and fear.

 

[immolation]

Hi. Thank you so much for sharing. For me, reasons to die:
I literally mess up everything in my life. Just yesterday I hurt someone I deeply care about and I don't even have the heart to apologize. I'm really pathetic. I don't think I was supposed to be born at all. My mom had me at old age and I was born with a lot of complications. Doctors told her I wouldn't live up to 5 years old but she fought for me, I wish she hadn't. My first attempt was when I was 13 and I might make another today. I'm scared I'm gonna fail coz I've failed so many times over the years. I'm 22 now by the way and I'm positive I've overstayed my welcome here.


My reasons to live:
Just my family, friends and other people around me. Everyone thinks I'm strong and are proud I've made it this far. I hate to upset them but I console myself with the thought that they'll get over it like any other death. I so wish I could make my ctb look accidental so that everyone would think my illness finally took me out. I've tried everything, od, not taking my medication and everytime I fail dismally. I end up hospitalized and my mom is hell-bent on trying to make me better. I have a psychologist that I keep ghosting but everyone insists I talk to her. I hate it. They think I have potential. They talk about how they look forward to my graduation but I'm failing. I have no energy to study coz I don't want to be here. I was academically excluded because I performed so bad but I never told my family because I hate disappointing them. Wow, this is a lot now.


Generally, I strongly believe everyone's life will be better without me in it. People won't get hurt by me and my mom will rest from all the medical expenses and just focus on living a happy life.

im curious, what makes you sure youre done with life? have you considered just disappearing from your current life and fully starting over somewhere else? other than your physical illness, a lot of what you described is social. you could always just start over as a person and completely leave your old life behind, especially since youre old enough. is it that youre just bored or tired of living, or that you dont see the point, or cant think of anything you want to do, etc? (im trying to understand, not criticize you, sorry if im coming off agressive <3)

 

[promise.i.tried]

im curious, what makes you sure youre done with life? have you considered just disappearing from your current life and fully starting over somewhere else? other than your physical illness, a lot of what you described is social. you could always just start over as a person and completely leave your old life behind, especially since youre old enough. is it that youre just bored or tired of living, or that you dont see the point, or cant think of anything you want to do, etc? (im trying to understand, not criticize you, sorry if im coming off agressive <3)

I get where you are coming from. I have thought about moving as well or just disappearing from the people who know me. Unfortunately, I do not have the means to do that because I am still fully under my parents' care. I do struggle to see the bigger picture and I don't get why I'm still trying. I know my reasons are not as grand as other people's on here. I'm just so overwhelmed with everyone's expectations that I never manage to meet so I just always think it'd be better if I go.

 

[broken serenity]

Negatives: hmmm obligation? Constantly coping with my mind. Old age sounds like a drag considering how long I'd have to stick around just to see it.

@promise.i.tried why don't you just give up on meeting expectations now that you're planning to give up anyways? Put off ctb until you can live your life to the fullest, take it easier on yourself, be honest with family about your setbacks when they come up?

Positives: people I care about that I wanna spend a bit more time with. I've got enough money to take some time off before I ctb and vacation sounds nice. There's hobbies I wanted to get somewhere with so I'll try harder now that failure is meaningless. I'll get sober cuz as much as it sucks the best parts of life kinda require it for me.

But yeah IDK having that option out is so critical. Like without ctb in my back pocket I get so in my own way. Now I feel fine about it all... It's really whatever when it's all secondary to my own journey's end.

 

[Greasyhair]

Good idea for thread. Here are what I have thought of quickly.

My reasons to live:​

• My father is genuinely good man, and my death will affect him
• I have few IRL friends, though we barely communicate I know my death will affect them
• Though my situation is shaky, its lot better than some here, meaning I can comfortably continue to uncomfortably rot
• There is one "writing project" I want to finish before I go.
• Most methods are locked away from me leaving me with bad ones
• I am deeply scared of pain

My reasons to die:

• I am deeply mentally ill, and there is no cure. The illness also locks me to perpetual "half life" (basically stuck in one room)
• Due to my illness I am dependent on others, and this puts me in toxic relationships
• When my "helpers" die I will become homeless
• I see myself ever continuously slowly shifting into worse version of myself.
• I suffer from trauma from many small things compiled, and have flashbacks most days.
• I am tired so so tired

While I don't have set date, I basically created myself algorithm of when X happens I pull the metaphorical trigger. In mean time I have view echoing @Macedonian1987 I try to suck all the joy I can from marrow of misery.

 

[immolation]

I get where you are coming from. I have thought about moving as well or just disappearing from the people who know me. Unfortunately, I do not have the means to do that because I am still fully under my parents' care. I do struggle to see the bigger picture and I don't get why I'm still trying. I know my reasons are not as grand as other people's on here. I'm just so overwhelmed with everyone's expectations that I never manage to meet so I just always think it'd be better if I go.

feeling overwhelmed like that sucks so bad, im sorry youre going thru this :( . a persons relationship with life is inherently complicated and individual, so dont feel the need to compare your reasons with anyone elses. but since youre still trying, even if you dont know why, maybe thats a subconscious want to keep going until you feel better? overall though, to ctb or not is your decision and nobody elses opinion is relevent. i genuinely hope things work out for you whichever way you choose

 

[ChamberOfEchoes]

Reasons to live?
None.
There is nothing in this world truly worth living for.
Existence is a chain of illusions, a failed experiment where every act only delays the collapse.
To live is to endure, to swallow, to pretend.
To work for nothing, to study and realize there's nothing to learn, to talk to people who empty themselves with every word and vanish one after another as if they never existed.
Nothing we touch remains. Nothing we do matters.
Even love, family, homeland, faith all of them are lies, built to cover the sound of nothingness.
Monuments, laws, ideals all artificial constructions to give meaning to an animal that cannot face the absence of meaning.
We were taught to desire, to build, to pass things on but no one ever explained why.
And while the theater continues, the body decays, the mind fades, and time erases every name.

The only truth is that we are passing through a horrible place, where every birth is a sentence and every day is a punishment.
Those who claim to love life only love the distractions that hide it.
Behind the noise, there's only nausea, fatigue, and rot.

Reasons to stay?
Only three.
The fear of failing.
The fear of dying.
And the fear of surviving badly.
Staying alive but broken, trapped in a body that no longer obeys, condemned to breathe unwillingly in a hospital bed, fed through tubes, forgotten by everyone.
That's the only thing that holds you back the threat that the escape might fail, that the exit could become a worse prison.

If there were a button to disappear no pain, no consequences the world would empty in a second.
No one would really stay.
Only those who are afraid remain.
Because the world is not loved it is endured.
And when someone calls it "life," they're just giving a prettier name to torture.

 

[FuneralCry]

No matter what I'd never wish to suffer in this dreadful, torturous existence I always saw as the most cruel mistake rather all I want is the peace of non-existence, I just want all to be gone and forgotten for me with no more pain and no more suffering.

I'll always see this existence as only suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured, existence to me is always an abomination and I only continue to suffer as a result of being so cruelly denied painless, guaranteed death, it's such a horrific world where suicide is seen as a crime despite the harm and suffering this existence causes with no limit as to how much one can be tortured, it's so horrible to me how a human can suffer for decades longer just to face the extreme agony of old age, it's all so dreadful.

 

[qewpie]

die:
- permanent balance disorder
- i dont want to get sick like this again
- i dont even know if i'll heal so why prolong my suffering
- have no interest in participating in society in "normal" ways ever again

live:
- dog not dead yet
- nature is pretty i guess
- too scared to fail