I had a fucked childhood but it's all relative. Others had worse childhoods but overcome adversity and ended up happy, successful people. I guess this is a good reason why I want to ctb: I didn't do a great job as a human. I didn't fulfil my potential. Even if this website turns out to be some kind of black hat hacker blue whale for adults (lol), I don't care tbh. I failed as a human, have had depression since I was a child, don't believe I can overcome it, see a bleak af future and don't want to carry on the charade. I believe I am operating out of free will. I suppose one never truly knows what one controls. I have certainly had my moments of faith in a higher power and wondered just how much we do control of all this. And then I have had my moments where I believe we have control of it all. Certainly, fear of an afterlife, reincarnation influence my thinking but I was taught those things. And perhaps taught them by those with agendas. Or maybe I am just manufacturing excuses so I can avoid my responsibilities. I don't know. I just know that I have suffered up and down my whole life and I am tired of it. I just need to find the courage to ctb. And be able to repress the pain associated with it.
