v1car10us
Member
- Oct 10, 2019
- 29
nothing makes sense. at almost any given point in time, i cannot describe how i feel or how my mental state is. i really can't. i'm so worthless. i cannot keep anything down that i eat, i'm constantly sluggish, my knees kill me, my joint problems, which make it an untenable task to do even simple things (standing up place for long amounts of time [which makes it hard to cook, one of the only things i can do at my house to distract myself] playing outside with my dogs, doing yard work, etc.) & so many other issues that are going on in my life that i cannot list at this time, have led me to such a low point. idk if you would call it "relapse" or something, but i cut myself a few minutes ago for the first time since may of 2019. i hate myself. even though i feel like i deserve it, like for some reason it makes my problems go away for a little while, i know it isn't justified. i know i'm hurting more people than myself. doing more harm than good, i'd say. i am a complete waste of time, effort, compassion, & love. my close friends, family, and other people around me are people that i am so grateful for. i could not have made it this far without them. i make it so hard on myself. i really do. it would be the easiest, most simple thing to end my life. and i genuinely believe that. it makes me such a selfish person to think these thoughts, but like i've stated before, i am a complete & total PIECE OF SHIT. i have nothing to offer for anyone & they have nothing to offer for me. i am so tired of the hate & misery in this world and this life that i live & i cannot find the words to describe how i feel. i say that way too much, but i can't. if life was a movie or some shit, i probably could take someone's hand, press it to my temple, and transfer my thoughts, feelings, and memories to them, just to give them even the slightest glimpse of what exactly i'm feeling, because fuck, i cannot keep dealing with this. maybe if i can find a way to justify it to people, they'll be more understanding. they'll be more aware of my to my emotions, my susceptibility to get attached to people, my complete lack of love for myself , to the point that i hate every breath that i take, every bite of food that i eat, every sip of water i take, and everything else that prolongs my existence to appease the people who care for me & actually value my life. i cant do this anymore guys. im planning to ctb in may. thanks for listening if you got this far
