![Nirrend](/data/avatars/l/38/38177.jpg?1657498537)
Nirrend
The important is not how long you live ...
- Mar 12, 2022
- 400
Good evening to all,
I am making this thread because something is bothering me.
To put it simply, I have been keeping a diary for several weeks now, which I know will inevitably lead me to my death. This was the goal and my objective was to allow people who wish to do so and who are going through these phases, to understand, detect, remove guilt or reassure themselves about what they are going through before they die (I WOULD NEVER ENCOURAGE ANYONE OF COURSE).
The problem is, as I wrote in my diary today, I felt really bad about one thing.
Yesterday I had what may have seemed like a good time and it made me forget about my ctb project for a moment, so much so that when I realised it, I panicked.
It sounds absurd and I understand, but the fact that I've always had proof (even when I was having happy moments that I always considered illusory) that I'm unhappy with my life and suddenly I forget that I want to end it, it terrified me.
To put it simply, I don't know what to think anymore, because this whole day, I lived it normally until I thought about it and said to myself, "But this pain will come back".
A few days ago I was totally ready to leave, now I feel confused, I don't know if it's the right solution anymore. But I did everything, I tried everything to get better and in the end it all came back to suicide.
When I write this, I feel both indifferent and worried, because I wonder if you've been there, if you too have a false flash of lucidity where you say to yourself "I'm wrong, in fact, life is great" and then you quickly come back to yourself.
I wonder if I'm not the one doing the false maintenance
I wonder if I'm really suffering or if I'm making up a life for myself, it's extremely disturbing
I wonder if I'm really going to make it in ctb, because it changes all my plans
I wonder if it's a trick of my brain or SI to keep my body from ending soon
I wonder if I'm just unconsciously minimizing what I am really living and traduce it by a fake well being
I really don't know what to do, when 99% of the time I know I'm suffering...
I also know that I don't want to fight anymore
Has this ever happened to you?
I wish you a good evening <3
I am making this thread because something is bothering me.
To put it simply, I have been keeping a diary for several weeks now, which I know will inevitably lead me to my death. This was the goal and my objective was to allow people who wish to do so and who are going through these phases, to understand, detect, remove guilt or reassure themselves about what they are going through before they die (I WOULD NEVER ENCOURAGE ANYONE OF COURSE).
The problem is, as I wrote in my diary today, I felt really bad about one thing.
Yesterday I had what may have seemed like a good time and it made me forget about my ctb project for a moment, so much so that when I realised it, I panicked.
It sounds absurd and I understand, but the fact that I've always had proof (even when I was having happy moments that I always considered illusory) that I'm unhappy with my life and suddenly I forget that I want to end it, it terrified me.
To put it simply, I don't know what to think anymore, because this whole day, I lived it normally until I thought about it and said to myself, "But this pain will come back".
A few days ago I was totally ready to leave, now I feel confused, I don't know if it's the right solution anymore. But I did everything, I tried everything to get better and in the end it all came back to suicide.
When I write this, I feel both indifferent and worried, because I wonder if you've been there, if you too have a false flash of lucidity where you say to yourself "I'm wrong, in fact, life is great" and then you quickly come back to yourself.
I wonder if I'm not the one doing the false maintenance
I wonder if I'm really suffering or if I'm making up a life for myself, it's extremely disturbing
I wonder if I'm really going to make it in ctb, because it changes all my plans
I wonder if it's a trick of my brain or SI to keep my body from ending soon
I wonder if I'm just unconsciously minimizing what I am really living and traduce it by a fake well being
I really don't know what to do, when 99% of the time I know I'm suffering...
I also know that I don't want to fight anymore
Has this ever happened to you?
I wish you a good evening <3