really wanting to live but life not giving that option

[babyharpseal]

sry if this breaks thread rules i looked around a lot but i still dont know

ill try not to write a lot. i have no responsibilities, unemployed + study part time. can just sit around every day, besides doing housework, but everything is still exhausting. i sleep for like 12h a day, dread showering n brushing my teeth or leaving the house for anything. i cant do my fair share of housework even tho i try. i dont have the energy to b alive. last time i had a job i couldnt function during the workweek bc i was so exhausted, couldnt eat or sleep n just went straight into bed as soon as i got home, couldnt watch or read anything or even text/talk to ppl or look at social media. it was painfully exhausting jsut to open my mouth n say 1 word.

its not depression or chronic fatigue or long covid. already done tons of dr tests. i think its just how i was born but was worsened by my job. theres no point getting a diagnosis bc its impossible to get disability, n even if u do u'll be in extreme poverty n theyll still make u work even if it worsens ur condition. they denied a guy w terminal brain cancer from disability payments, and a guy in a vegetative state. and theres another guy who only had a third of a lung n no car n they expected him to travel hours to work as a crossing guard. theres no such thing as disability help, theres only work or die on the streets.

i dont have quality of life now and once i work fulltime i think i'll just b a zombie. barely surviving day to day, unable to look after my needs, just working then lying in bed, constantly feeling extreme stress n unable to cope w the smallest thing, unable to keep up w responsibilities. ive looked so hard for escape options but theres nothing. just work or die. if i cant handle everything i need to do, and i wont have any energy to do anything i enjoy ever, then whats the point? just stay alive to make money then give it all away to bills. never able to have hobbies again that i had in highschool, never wanting to leave the house bc already spent all week out at work.

theres literally no point to living thru that, and if i do, my reward is being in extreme poverty as an elderly person. either working until i die, starving on pension, or ending up in govt home to be neglected by nurses and die of bed sores. realistically theres no such thing as retirement is there? its inevitably nothing but poverty n suffering, no holiday home in the bahamas for the poors.

i believe if the govt doesnt want to pay for disability, the elderly n the poor n homeless, then they should offer them a peaceful escape. it's not fair for someones only option to be starving to death or freezing on the streets, after months of fear n suffering. its not ideal, its horrifying for someone to be forced to die bc society wont let them live, but society isnt gonna change so we should alleviate human suffering.

i have a cat that noone else in my family likes, and she only likes me. if i died before her, she'd be depressed and unloved forever. so i have to wait probably a decade for her to die first. ill keep praying and praying that things will turn out better than i hope. i just want a job that wont steal all my energy, i want to come home and b able to draw or write or chat w friends, and not feel like im being tortured bc i have to spend half an hour washing dishes. i dont think its possible. my hope rn is to get a WFH job, so at least no commute n i could take as many breaks as i need. i dont think its likely.

my backup is sleeping pills + whatever other drug. itd b nice to die in my workplace or a govt welfare building, to show them how much they made me suffer. but noone will care abt the point im making so idk. jsut not at home.

 

[babyharpseal]

as far as i know its not against the rules to keep posting here, someone say so otherwise but i did read the rules. im just gonna post whatever i want here, i dont think anyone else is gonna post here

im pretty tired of people. what used to be my closest friends literally ghosted me for no reason, i reached out multiple times to ask whats going on n they basically said its their personality to disappear on ppl. friends for several years, confide in them and they support me in everything, then just thrown away with zero fucks given bc its their personality

i have some irl friends left but im not close to any of them, noone i could really talk to beyond surface-level, noone who'd listen to my interests. i have some online friends too, but half the time theyre just hard to talk to. i cant be bothered, theres fuckall i want to say. i dont have any interests to talk abt, im not passionate abt anything, all i can do is complain abt the same shit every day

and theres no point in confiding in ppl. it does nothing but make them uncomfortable, n they either give the same stock response every time, or get all upset n then u have to pretend their platitudes changed ur mind n u feel better. they cant change anything. n half the time theyre telling me how theyre so stressed themselves that they cant deal w listening. ill jsut dump my thoughts here instead of talking to a persom

 

[dolemitedrums]

Sorry to hear about the rough go of things. You are right though that dying somewhere on purpose as "revenge" probably won't be effective. It will be more productive to focus on minimizing your own pain as opposed to teaching the world a lesson.

 

[babyharpseal]

Sorry to hear about the rough go of things. You are right though that dying somewhere on purpose as "revenge" probably won't be effective. It will be more productive to focus on minimizing your own pain as opposed to teaching the world a lesson.

ye i mean every time someone dies for a political cause like self immolation the media just covers it up. if i made some big fuss emailing the papers "my death is bc of xyz societal issues" they wouldnt fuckin publish it, bc nobody cares. noones cares that ppl are dying from xyz bc they dont wanna spend their precious tax money to help

its a sick world. dont want to pay for welfare, medicine, fix the broken systems, then turn up ur nose n complain abt the homeless, mentally ill n drug-addicted, and dont give a single fuck when they die UNLESS its by their own hands at which point they need to blub abt how tragic it is and if only they prevented it (but still not acknowledging the causes of death)

idk. if i had a boss or smthn i really hated id prob at least fantasise abt making them clean up my body. and i think the welfare offices n politicians offices deserve mountains of corpses




rn tho my pain is as minimised as it can b, ie. lying around doing as little as possible bc everything is miserable. its rly not a life worth living still n its not one thatll last very long bc have to feed the machine

 

[Mebius]

ye i mean every time someone dies for a political cause like self immolation the media just covers it up. if i made some big fuss emailing the papers "my death is bc of xyz societal issues" they wouldnt fuckin publish it, bc nobody cares. noones cares that ppl are dying from xyz bc they dont wanna spend their precious tax money to help

Bro even people here dont truly care if you commit suicide, they forget about you the next day or week. Brutal world.

 

[babyharpseal]

Bro even people here dont truly care if you commit suicide, they forget about you the next day or week. Brutal world.

ig thats just realistic when ppl are just strangers to u. if humans felt genuinely sad abt every death we heard abt, we'd be incapable of functioning, everyone would be catatonic w grief after hearing abt war. its kinda comforting to think ppl wont be that affected and will b able to move on quickly, then u can just do whats best for u insteas of forcing urself to keep suffering for other ppls sakes

 

[KillingPain267]

sry if this breaks thread rules i looked around a lot but i still dont know

ill try not to write a lot. i have no responsibilities, unemployed + study part time. can just sit around every day, besides doing housework, but everything is still exhausting. i sleep for like 12h a day, dread showering n brushing my teeth or leaving the house for anything. i cant do my fair share of housework even tho i try. i dont have the energy to b alive. last time i had a job i couldnt function during the workweek bc i was so exhausted, couldnt eat or sleep n just went straight into bed as soon as i got home, couldnt watch or read anything or even text/talk to ppl or look at social media. it was painfully exhausting jsut to open my mouth n say 1 word.

its not depression or chronic fatigue or long covid. already done tons of dr tests. i think its just how i was born but was worsened by my job. theres no point getting a diagnosis bc its impossible to get disability, n even if u do u'll be in extreme poverty n theyll still make u work even if it worsens ur condition. they denied a guy w terminal brain cancer from disability payments, and a guy in a vegetative state. and theres another guy who only had a third of a lung n no car n they expected him to travel hours to work as a crossing guard. theres no such thing as disability help, theres only work or die on the streets.

i dont have quality of life now and once i work fulltime i think i'll just b a zombie. barely surviving day to day, unable to look after my needs, just working then lying in bed, constantly feeling extreme stress n unable to cope w the smallest thing, unable to keep up w responsibilities. ive looked so hard for escape options but theres nothing. just work or die. if i cant handle everything i need to do, and i wont have any energy to do anything i enjoy ever, then whats the point? just stay alive to make money then give it all away to bills. never able to have hobbies again that i had in highschool, never wanting to leave the house bc already spent all week out at work.

theres literally no point to living thru that, and if i do, my reward is being in extreme poverty as an elderly person. either working until i die, starving on pension, or ending up in govt home to be neglected by nurses and die of bed sores. realistically theres no such thing as retirement is there? its inevitably nothing but poverty n suffering, no holiday home in the bahamas for the poors.

i believe if the govt doesnt want to pay for disability, the elderly n the poor n homeless, then they should offer them a peaceful escape. it's not fair for someones only option to be starving to death or freezing on the streets, after months of fear n suffering. its not ideal, its horrifying for someone to be forced to die bc society wont let them live, but society isnt gonna change so we should alleviate human suffering.

i have a cat that noone else in my family likes, and she only likes me. if i died before her, she'd be depressed and unloved forever. so i have to wait probably a decade for her to die first. ill keep praying and praying that things will turn out better than i hope. i just want a job that wont steal all my energy, i want to come home and b able to draw or write or chat w friends, and not feel like im being tortured bc i have to spend half an hour washing dishes. i dont think its possible. my hope rn is to get a WFH job, so at least no commute n i could take as many breaks as i need. i dont think its likely.

my backup is sleeping pills + whatever other drug. itd b nice to die in my workplace or a govt welfare building, to show them how much they made me suffer. but noone will care abt the point im making so idk. jsut not at home.

I can totally relate. I am temporarily on disability, but yeah it's not much. But I prefer poverty than being mentally strained every day at some toxic work place. But eventually they will push me to find such work even though I know I will not be healed from depression and anxiety.

 

[babyharpseal]

I can totally relate. I am temporarily on disability, but yeah it's not much. But I prefer poverty than being mentally strained every day at some toxic work place. But eventually they will push me to find such work even though I know I will not be healed from depression and anxiety.

i'm sorry man it's so awful. they just dont fucking care, just get back in the machine n keep making money

i havent even bothered applying for disability, bc from what ive heard its an extremely long n difficult process and they just reject everyone, even ppl way way more disabled than me. i had a taste of it, i wanted to go to a job provider for disabled ppl but they required me to file govt paperwork n have an assessment interview w the welfare office (same thing ppl have to do while applying for didability.) well i got the damn paperwork in but havent had that interview a full yr later. govt couldnt b fucked to book it, and i called several times to try book it but theyre so understaffed u literally cant get thru even calling the second they open. u just get the robot saying "all the lines r busy. goodbye". if i had absolutely no choice but disability, id take the damn [insert suicide method here]

what we rly fucking need is compassionately designed work system. like noone needs to work 8+hrs a day, esp not the 12-16 torture hours some professions r forced into. noone needs to b on their feet all day, we need more breaks, we need more WFH and offices in the suburbs to reduce commute times. and ppl who cant work without physical or mental distress should get to fuckin sit at home with enough money for a comfortable life. i hate so much that cavemen looked after their disabled, but then they had to fuck it up for the rest of us by inventing society

 

[KillingPain267]

i havent even bothered applying for disability, bc from what ive heard its an extremely long n difficult process and they just reject everyone, even ppl way way more disabled than me. i had a taste of it, i wanted to go to a job provider for disabled ppl but they required me to file govt paperwork n have an assessment interview w the welfare office (same thing ppl have to do while applying for didability.) well i got the damn paperwork in but havent had that interview a full yr later. govt couldnt b fucked to book it, and i called several times to try book it but theyre so understaffed u literally cant get thru even calling the second they open. u just get the robot saying "all the lines r busy. goodbye". if i had absolutely no choice but disability, id take the damn [insert suicide method here]

Yeah, it is mentally exhausting to even go through their processes of getting disability. For someone like me who hyperventilates just to pick up the phone due to social anxiety it is nearly impossible. You need millions of doctor evaluations each taking months to wait for, and if you are already socially anxious you tend to not be able to explain to the doctor how you feel mentally, and this leads to them not understanding how serious your condition is. Not only that, but then you have to try ALL their treatments first. To me going to a therapist, doctor psychiatrist, addiction counselor, physio for backpain and jobcenter feels like a full time job already!

 

[babyharpseal]

Yeah, it is mentally exhausting to even go through their processes of getting disability. For someone like me who hyperventilates just to pick up the phone due to social anxiety it is nearly impossible. You need millions of doctor evaluations each taking months to wait for, and if you are already socially anxious you tend to not be able to explain to the doctor how you feel mentally, and this leads to them not understanding how serious your condition is. Not only that, but then you have to try ALL their treatments first. To me going to a therapist, doctor psychiatrist, addiction counselor, physio for backpain and jobcenter feels like a full time job already!

OMG FR. thats another thing i rly dont wanna do, the whole "explaining ur disability" thing. bc ur going in to ppl who automatically will look for reasons to disbelieve u, dont want to have to approve u for money, and if u fail its huge consequences and extreme stress. i feel like its so degrading to have to sit in front of this panel n talk abt ur suffering, which can b extremely intimate n humiliating to talk abt.

and for me, i ALWAYS fail at speaking, i always forget to mention things or phrase stuff wrong so i get misinterpreted. ive been turned away from doctors for so many issues bc i couldnt speak perfectly so they refused to believe me. the disability thing should allow u to submit a written statement if they HAVE to hear from u fuckin personally, then u can take the time to plan ur words. but i rly dont fucking see why a letter from a doctor/psych isnt enough.

and disability services shouldnt depend on in-person meetings n phone calls, when so so many disabled ppl would struggle to do those. like even this fucking disability job provider company, expected ppl to make it to in-person meetings with no alternative options. for DISABLED ppl. and when i pointed out the issues w that, they just said some fucking shit abt how their clients are "motivated" so they can manage it, as if anyone who couldnt do it is just a lazy pos

being required to try every treatment is also fucking shit, it could end up costing u a fortune or several months/years of ur life (specialist doctors w waiting lists), or they could force u to take psych meds that u dont need which just worsen ur condition

it all reminds me of a section in catch22 where they talk abt how deeply and personally the system hates u. it rly feels like it, it feels like they design it on purpose to make u fucking suffer bc they despise u as a person

 

[KillingPain267]

what we rly fucking need is compassionately designed work system. like noone needs to work 8+hrs a day, esp not the 12-16 torture hours some professions r forced into. noone needs to b on their feet all day, we need more breaks, we need more WFH and offices in the suburbs to reduce commute times. and ppl who cant work without physical or mental distress should get to fuckin sit at home with enough money for a comfortable life. i hate so much that cavemen looked after their disabled, but then they had to fuck it up for the rest of us by inventing society

Damn, you make so many good points! I have the exact same thoughts. And to think a 4-5 hour workday has actually been possible already a century ago, due to machines! How much more now!

And you are the only person ever I have seen mentioning the ridiculousness of long commutes! Even leftists only ever wanna talk about the "wonders" of public transportation in Europe. Well, I live in Europe and public transportation does NOT reduce commuting time (not that I like cars either). To someone like me with backpain, sitting in a moving metal box, that has to accelerate and break every two minutes at stoplights, 2 hours every day to and from work, is pure torture and not to mention a waste of life. I believe IF we really have to centralize all jobs in urban megacentres, then AT LEAST pay us a full HOURLY wage for every hour we have to commute! Even my family thinks this is a crazy idea, yet they say nothing about CEOs owning 10 houses and 200 cars while there are homeless people everywhere.

During covid lockdowns there was talk about work-from-home becoming more widespread and would continue even after. I was hopeful and happy to hear that. But it was all a damn lie! I think it was Arthur C. Clarke who in 1964 predicted the internet and that in the future, people could stay in suburbs and WFH because of it. Boy, was he both right AND wrong! The internet is sadly not used the way it should and could be yet.

 

[babyharpseal]

Damn, you make so many good points! I have the exact same thoughts. And to think a 4-5 hour workday has actually been possible already a century ago, due to machines! How much more now!

YEAH. like ok now we have AI so ppl dont have to waste time writing emails or blablabla, shorten the work day? nope! over time the worker productivity increases n increases, but we work the same fucking hours. in fact, here the hours have actually gone up a little. it used to be a 9-5 day, but now its 8:30-5 bc they added extra 30min to make up for ur fuckin lunch break. sick

And you are the only person ever I have seen mentioning the ridiculousness of long commutes! Even leftists only ever wanna talk about the "wonders" of public transportation in Europe. Well, I live in Europe and public transportation does NOT reduce commuting time (not that I like cars either). To someone like me with backpain, sitting in a moving metal box, that has to accelerate and break every two minutes at stoplights, 2 hours every day to and from work, is pure torture and not to mention a waste of life. I believe IF we really have to centralize all jobs in urban megacentres, then AT LEAST pay us a full HOURLY wage for every hour we have to commute! Even my family thinks this is a crazy idea, yet they say nothing about CEOs owning 10 houses and 200 cars while there are homeless people everywhere.

go off man. i so get how u feel, i deal w a similar hype, americans talking abt how zomg uber advanced we are for having public healthcare, but its fucking shit n barely covers anything w 900 year wait times. public transport is fucking balls. my last workplace was 15min by car but i cant drive, so it was 1hr by 2 buses, and half the time the second bus drove past without picking me up, so id have to walk 40min home in the dark.

being on busses n trains for hours a day is just as miserable as driving the same amount. esp bc in trains, ur packed like a sardine forced to stand for an hour while ur already exhausted, and so many fuckin diseases can spread in that space. i feel u w the pain too, when i worked in an office the chair gave me horrific knee pain, and the bus seats were too close together so i had to sit w my knees bent awkwardly and in awful pain the whole trip

*also ive heard apparently here, unionised trade jobs actually get paid for their commute time. so its not that impossible

During covid lockdowns there was talk about work-from-home becoming more widespread and would continue even after. I was hopeful and happy to hear that. But it was all a damn lie! I think it was Arthur C. Clarke who in 1964 predicted the internet and that in the future, people could stay in suburbs and WFH because of it. Boy, was he both right AND wrong! The internet is sadly not used the way it should and could be yet.

oh but they cant control their slaves if they cant breathe down our necks every second n chastise us for taking 5 fuckin minutes break. not to mention all that precious money they spent renting offices. almost every job could be done online, giving everyone hours extra time for housework and relaxing, but thatd make too much sense for this world

 

[KillingPain267]

and for me, i ALWAYS fail at speaking, i always forget to mention things or phrase stuff wrong so i get misinterpreted. ive been turned away from doctors for so many issues bc i couldnt speak perfectly so they refused to believe me. the disability thing should allow u to submit a written statement if they HAVE to hear from u fuckin personally, then u can take the time to plan ur words. but i rly dont fucking see why a letter from a doctor/psych isnt enough.

I definitely can relate to this too! One time a doctor asked me to explain WHY I am depressed, and I could hardly say anything. It ended up sounding not that serious. I always go in with the assumption that they don't take my symptoms seriously, so at least I have tried training myself to exaggerate. But the worst you can tell them is that you wanna ctb. And guess what that leads to, lol. I never tell them that.

You are right, written communication is easier for people like us. We can think before we "speak". Why don't we as a society use the wonderful tool that is the internet for things like this? I know if I met you in person, I would hardly be able to intelligibly communicate 5% of these things I've written to you here, haha. But the internet makes it possible and also makes people like us feel less alone in our problems and thoughts. But they even wanna ban a website like this, lol.

it used to be a 9-5 day, but now its 8:30-5 bc they added extra 30min to make up for ur fuckin lunch break. sick

*also ive heard apparently here, unionised trade jobs actually get paid for their commute time. so its not that impossible

Yeah, we have that in my country (which supposedly has one of the "best" welfare systems in the world). You can get refunded from the government for every commuting kilometer. Sounds wonderful, right? But guess what, the amount is like 5-10% of an hourly wage, hahahaha. I mean, it's so small that I barely ever wanted to bother spending 15 minutes applying for it.

 

[babyharpseal]

Yeah, we have that in my country (which supposedly has one of the "best" welfare systems in the world). You can get refunded from the government for every commuting kilometer. Sounds wonderful, right? But guess what, the amount is like 5-10% of an hourly wage, hahahaha. I mean, it's so small that I barely ever wanted to bother spending 15 minutes applying for it.

oh fuckin great, they just cant do anything right huh?

i have a friend in finland, which everyone akways says is the best country ever w the best welfare etc, and shes struggling to get food to eat while too mentally ill to work, n the govt just denies her welfare ofer n over. recently they granted it, but havent actually paid anyhing after weeks. theres just no such thing as a good country

 

[KillingPain267]

oh fuckin great, they just cant do anything right huh?

i have a friend in finland, which everyone akways says is the best country ever w the best welfare etc, and shes struggling to get food to eat while too mentally ill to work, n the govt just denies her welfare ofer n over. recently they granted it, but havent actually paid anyhing after weeks. theres just no such thing as a good country

Yeah, welfare under capitalism is a scam to keep the working class dulled. It's crumbs they give. Sure, better than nothing at all, but it's far from what American liberals think it is here in Europe. Far from what's ideal (and possible).

But it doesn't matter. It's what it is. I just can't stand when people don't question things and dream about a better world thinking nothimg is possible other than the status quo. Ironically, it makes me (a pessimistic suicidal person) MORE optimistic than many, lol.