Help Really need some advice

[mythofsisyphus]

I know nobody can make this decision for me, but it would be so helpful if anyone could maybe share their thoughts on what they'd do in this situation.

I'm currently experiencing Post Finasteride Syndrome and protracted SSRI withdrawals. These have destroyed my life - constant awful depersonalisation, brain fog, relentless anxiety/feelings of doom, complete anhedonia and non-stop suicidal ideation. Alongside various physical issues (muscle pain, complete sexual dysfunction, awful loose skin). I've lost everything because of this - my job, my independence, any chance of love. I can't eat any food besides meat without worsening these symptoms dramatically.

I'm still in the process of tapering an SSRI, as this can make PFS worse. As I continue doing so, it is likely things will become worse with the withdrawals - I'm pretty sure I had akathisia before.

I know that I cannot live like this - I want nothing but to die. But, I don't know if in a long, long time things might improve. Though it's likely the brain fog, anhedonia and physical issues are likely permanent and related to PFS. A cure for PFS is decades away, if ever.

For the last year I've just been hanging on by a thread, pretty much house bound and just seeing if things got better, which they have very slightly (I kinda feel like I'm living in reality now and not pacing/crying all day)… but still no quality of life… and they may worsen as I try to reduce my SSRI again.

I could continue just hanging on… but here's the thing - I'm soon going to be loosing my job permanently (I've been off sick since the start of the year).

My job has an attached life insurance policy that will pay out to my family, even in the case of suicide.

So I just don't know what to do - I'm pretty sure I can't live like this, but I don't know if I'm always gonna feel like that… but most likely will for the next good few years at least.

I just want my family to be okay as they can be, and the life insurance payout would help them a lot. It feels silly rushing my suicide within the next couple of months, but I know by doing this they'll get a good chunk of money, whereas if I wait, and further down the line still feel like this, they'll get nothing.

This also sounds silly - but a year ago my ex cheated on me and emotionally abused me. I want to leave him a note when I go (not a blaming note, it's not his fault I'm in this position - more just a goodbye and reflecting on the relationship). It's likely he'll be my last love … and the longer I wait to go, the more weird it will seem for him to receive that letter.

I really don't know what to do. I truly just want peace, and for my family to be okay as can be.

 

[ChaiTea]

before any rash decision ESPECIALLY one like cbt, i'd say you should definitely wait until you are in a "peaceful-ish" mindset. all of this tension can mess everything up, leaving it all worse than when it started.

i completely understand wanting to help those around you financially, but i would strongly advocate for cbt being the wrong choice at this moment

my PERSONAL advice (only what i would do if i were in your position) is to get away from anything as much as you can. obviously the issues will still be there, but maybe a nature walk or creating art can help soothe you and help make you think more rationally.

cbt always seems like the best option when you're so incredibly stressed out like you are, but it can also mess things up more than most people imagine.

i'd love to talk with you if you're interested! pm me and i could send you my discord

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, it truly is so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find what you search for.

 

[mythofsisyphus]

before any rash decision ESPECIALLY one like cbt, i'd say you should definitely wait until you are in a "peaceful-ish" mindset. all of this tension can mess everything up, leaving it all worse than when it started.

i completely understand wanting to help those around you financially, but i would strongly advocate for cbt being the wrong choice at this moment

my PERSONAL advice (only what i would do if i were in your position) is to get away from anything as much as you can. obviously the issues will still be there, but maybe a nature walk or creating art can help soothe you and help make you think more rationally.

cbt always seems like the best option when you're so incredibly stressed out like you are, but it can also mess things up more than most people imagine.

i'd love to talk with you if you're interested! pm me and i could send you my discord

Thanks so much for your reply. I understand what you're saying, all of this has only been going on since the beginning of the year so it could be seen as rash.

It's just very hard, both health issues cause intense depression and suicidal thoughts - so I don't even know what the real 'me' wants… other than just desperately wanting my old life back; but knowing I might not ever get that is so painful. Like I really really don't want to die, I just want to be able to feel peace, to experience my emotions and clear mind, to be able to love again, to be able to eat chocolate and cake, to have my body and independence back

I do try my best to do things - little walks and projects etc., but they're often a painful reminder of how zoned out and numb I feel.

Thank you - I'll send you a PM later. Thanks again for taking the time to read my post and respond, it means a lot.

 

[ChaiTea]

anytime at all! i understand what you're saying :) i'll help in any way i can

 

[QuartziteGlitter]

Hey, friend...

I do not envy your situation in the slightest, and wish to tell you that I stand here for any support I could ever provide. You need only reach out.

You have asked for our opinion; and please understand that this is only what I would personally do and never do I intend on making of this a suggestion.

If it were me in that situation, fully aware of my options now (as you are), conscious of the doom to come and the agonasing pain and deep-seeded solitude a life this way would incur into; I would most definitely seek an escape. ctb

My mind is not strong, my will is gone. And I am certain you have at times felt the same way; that there is possibly nothing in store for you in the future. I believe in you and in your strength, however. You have weathered the symptoms for this long and deserve praise for your courage. But you are also deserving of the choice to quit.

The concerns you express about your family's future are touching and considerate beyond measure, and I believe knowing they will be at least financially safe after your departure will make the process easier, if you decided for such action.

It is important to point out that, statistically, those who worry about their loved-ones and environment after suicide are less likely to carry out a successful attempt; many authors have written about it, and a huge amount of seemingly high-functioning people are this way. We have a heart and we love; sometimes that brings us unbearable pain...

Whatever paths lie forth, I wish for you only the best.