Realizations

[-nobodyknows-]

I realized something horrible about myself recently.

As far back as I can remember, I've always been the sort to want to focus on one person. As long as I had that one person that I could see, and spend as much time as possible with, everything was okay.

However, I never actually mattered as much to them as they did to me. I guess because most people tend to prefer to have a circle as opposed to a single line in terms of connections. I've never been like that. I don't know why.

I was thinking about relationships the other day. How much I would love to just have that one person that I could just devote everything to. Even if they had a circle outside of me, I would be okay with it. So long as I would be able to see them, and they were okay with me giving them everything, I would be happy.

This made me wonder. If I seek a single line, why am I okay with being considered a point in a circle? Why do I accept whatever small amount of affection is given to me, and then think to myself "ah, how wonderful. They've given me this memory, so now I will give them everything"?

This line of thinking made me realize something else. So long as I have that memory, that reason to think "this person chose me", I don't actually care how I'm treated. If a partner of mine were to yell at me, or even hit me, I think I would just accept it. I would accept whatever hatred they had, in the hopes that would be enough to earn some love from them again.

In essence, I am the sort of person who will fall in love with anyone who lets me cling to them, regardless of how they treat me.

But this then led to another thought: am I actually loving them, or am I just seeking an emotional safety from my loneliness? And this led me to a very sad realization: I'm not actually capable of loving anyone anymore. My attachment system is so messed up, so starved for connection, that the person doesn't actually even matter. So long as they choose me, I will devote myself to their happiness.

How pathetic. How deranged. It amazes me that I didn't realize this sooner. It's no wonder I always wanted to get married- it's essentially a way to always be attached to someone else. I look at my married friends, and I am incredibly jealous of this. But there's a big difference between myself and them: they are "circle types". Their spouse isn't the only connection they seek. Whereas, knowing myself, I'd definitely shrink away from everyone else to spend as much time as possible with and focus entirely on my partner.

So then, if that's the case, what exactly do I do? I still want that more than anything in the world. I'd do anything to have it. Even if I meant next to nothing to my partner, as long as I had a single warm moment with them, it would be enough. I don't need anything else.

But that won't happen. I am nothing more than a ghost, unfortunately. I just sit quietly, and watch everyone else enjoy this wonderful life, as I quietly fade away. Very few people ever talk to me, and even the types that do have a tendency to back off when they realize just how messed up I am.

And yet, despite how painful this is, perhaps this is okay. I still have my small seeds of warm, happy memories with people. So even if I am left behind, it is okay. I will always be grateful for them. I will always treasure them, even when I can no longer really call them my friends.

I'm trying to hold out for my miracle. That's the only thing a partner could ever be for someone like me. But it's okay if it doesn't happen. I don't think I can really ever be happy without that. I'm sure that I will likely fall apart again if I can't find it. But that's okay. I never had a place in this world to begin with. I'm really nothing more than decoration. No one wants the sort of love I have to offer, if you can even call that love to begin with.

It's kind of funny though. Even knowing all of this, I still can't help but search for that star. Despite not being able to see any sign of it, I still cling to that prayer.

I know I'm delusional. I know that I can never have something like that. But I still want it more than anything. Loneliness is so painful. The idea of always being alone is so horrifying to me that I think that, at the point I finally give up on that, I will not survive much longer. For that really is my only reason to live.

 

[maylurker]

i swear bro i hate people who give me attention that makes me obsessed and miserable
and sanctiounedusage makes fun of it like a bully she is

 

[sanctionedusage]

ive always been a one on one relationship kind of person since i was a kid

ive sorta grown out of it because it's so impractical in the real world, but as a result, i also don't really care about any of my friends much

as long as someone has someone else to run back to besides me i cant relate to them, or trust them in any capacity that matters. theyre just so fake in my eyes
so i guess thats where we differ

 

[greenbeans]

This is exactly how i feel ill just want that one person. Ill still have my small circle but ill compleatly ignore them becuase of one person. But the reason you might accept the little bit of love you get and give someone everything is because you might not get much love or affection from people. This is just how i feel about myself which is why i fall for anyone who will give me just a little bit of love . Although i know i shouldnt be im also waiting for the one person even though i wont be the center of their world.

 

[39hatsune]

i can relate, im not sure what to do with myself after losing that person either

 

[Arvayn]

This post brought back memories for me, I'd like to share my story about relationships too.

I struggled with overattachment to my ex-girlfriend of 4, almost 5 years. We bonded so young, and were together for so long, I truly felt that it was safe to fully dedicate myself to her and to revolve my emotional world around her. Better yet, I respected her and we felt mutually understood by one another, as both of us were rather cynical about the world and analytical in nature. No social justice, no expectations to perform, no forced platitudes or exchanges (which made the rare times that we did express tender feelings feel all the more valuable and truly meaningful)... just us.

Overtime, she lost interest in me and started to become more verbally hostile to me. Eventually, she broke up with me. I suffered a traumatic shock from this that sent me into psychosis, gave me an anxiety disorder and regular panic attacks (as someone who had never once experienced them in his life before) that somewhat persist to this day even though I've more or less moved on from the breakup, and burdened me with major depression (I also incidentally discovered I am a schizoid, since this was my first visit to a psychologist in over a decade...). I dropped half my weight and starved myself to near-death from the sheer apathy and indifference I felt to the world, and my skin became pale and sickly looking. I couldn't even be asked to kill myself. I simply did, well and truly, nothing.

I feel that, even though I know why the relationship failed, and why the flaws in it are too deep-rooted to simply iron out... even though I don't feel sad or lonely over being single anymore, or give this subject much thought... if she came back, I'd still take her. Even knowing, very well, that it will end poorly; that she will likely hurt me again, or I will upset her. I struggle to put the feelings into words, but there is so much in that bond that I value, even getting to experience it for a limited time is worth the suffering that comes after.

So, I relate to you in the sense that I would tolerate hatred and abuse, and that I would offer everything. But my reasoning for this is on the total opposite end of the spectrum: I have given myself so fully to this person that, when I judge other women, I am usually judging them based on how well I can project my ex's qualities onto them. I should not love or attempt to date anyone, because at the end of the day, the true reason I'd be doing so is not out of interest in them, but out of the desire to fill the void in my heart and feel the warmth of affection again; of being loved and important to someone. I have tried to get new relationships; twice, in fact. But it has always been one-sided, because they were never be that important to me emotionally; only cognitively. I already struggle with impaired emotional arousal due to an unrelated diagnosis, so the best that I could offer a new partner is some kind of philosophical or cognitive devotion, but never an emotional one; not for long, anyway.

I don't need "people who will love me" or "people who will let me stay". I could have them; I've been offered by many. I need the impossible: something that would perfectly duplicate the sheer formative significance of this, that would be just as heavily meaningful and existentially important to me, mutual understanding and alignment of intellectual and emotional values. I genuinely believe that I have experienced a level of intimacy so profound that nothing can replace it, and it is a tragedy.

 

[girafeli]

Even if I meant next to nothing to my partner, as long as I had a single warm moment with them, it would be enough. I don't need anything else.

i feel this so bad. i dont care how many times im cursed at, belittled, or put down. just any sort of indication they care or love me is enough to forget about all of it

 

[interna]

i feel seen. thanks

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can be like this although- I think I also lapse into dependency emotionally sometimes. It's also something I found disturbing because, maybe unlike you, I tended to want more- the more they gave me. That's just in terms of plutonic friendship too.

Maybe if you could accept they needed other people too, it wouldn't be so bad but, I think that's pretty tricky. Wouldn't you- like you pointed out- be sad that they were enough for you but then, they needed all these other people? Wouldn't there be any jealousy there- of those other relationships? I guess maybe not, if your relationship was solid.

I suppose it is quite a responsibility to know that another wants to build their whole world around you. I can see why it's too much for some people. Also, how it might attract the wrong people too. Those who want to be able to control their partners but, be abusive. I think you would need to be careful.

I'm not sure we can change who we are though. I pretty much figured out I'm better suited to be single. I probably wouldn't love in the most healthy way for them or me.

 

[Alpacachino]

Interesting. I think most partners would like Someone Like You. But I also think it makes someone Vulnerable to abuse if they depend too much on the other.

i hope you end up finding someone who has mutual feelings for you.

Also interesting PFP. I found Sakura to be a similar character to what you describe as well.