Venting Realization

[On Replay]

Watching one of my favorite YT channels.

Had an awkward moment with a family member this morning so it was needed.

Laughing so much, I needed it ! But then just now the smile immediately dropped from my face. Realizing I had no more to drink and wondering if i was only happy because the little I had left was in my system ?

I hate that I'm like this. I really do, wish I could find the happiness within myself like most people say it should be I guess ? Idk

But why is it that the crutch always feels better, always makes me happier. I'm not a "sloppy" drunk whatever that means , more of a suppressing the tears (but cries heavily when it's just me and Im not distracted enough or something is just weighing too heavily) numbing the pain kind of one. Should I call myself that if it's only heavily when things are really really bad ? Idk

This is making me feel like yes, I'm awful. Can't be naturally myself without it

Afterthought , is this off topic ? Sorry, I tend to think as I type when I'm like this. I mean I still would love to disappear, die , never have been on this miserable ass planet but yenno

"Present!" (Like we use to say in school)
Yeah move it I guess . I always re read and re read everything I say , always sounds stupid. Never right

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

If that helps you coping with all this shit it's understandable. I don't know what is worse. That or staring in bed doing nothing.

 

[Seiko]

As I sit, I have four full handles of vodka in my room. I go through about one a month, which can be a little or a lot. I had that same experience yesterday of smiling and laughing watching my favorite YT channels. There hasn't been a moment in my adult life when alcohol wasn't readily available. I usually wait for something in the day to happen to confirm whether or not I'd drink that day.

 

[almaranthine]

If that helps you coping with all this shit it's understandable. I don't know what is worse. That or staring in bed doing nothing.

This. I am so dead inside anymore that I can't even bring myself to get out of bed (well technically I sleep on a couch but w/e) and the thought of going out and buying some alcohol just to sit here in the apartment alone doing essentially the same thing, staring at the wall, just with a bottle in hand, doing nothing, feeling nothing, seems pointless. I wish alcohol made me the slightest bit happy but in reality it's just a beverage that helps wash down cigarettes and gives me some relent from the barrage of self depreciating attacks my brain composes almost constantly.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

As I sit, I have four full handles of vodka in my room. I go through about one a month, which can be a little or a lot. I had that same experience yesterday of smiling and laughing watching my favorite YT channels. There hasn't been a moment in my adult life when alcohol wasn't readily available. I usually wait for something in the day to happen to confirm whether or not I'd drink that day.

It's good that you still enjoy doing somethings. Hold on into that.

This. I am so dead inside anymore that I can't even bring myself to get out of bed (well technically I sleep on a couch but w/e) and the thought of going out and buying some alcohol just to sit here in the apartment alone doing essentially the same thing, staring at the wall, just with a bottle in hand, doing nothing, feeling nothing, seems pointless. I wish alcohol made me the slightest bit happy but in reality it's just a beverage that helps wash down cigarettes and gives me some relent from the barrage of self depreciating attacks my brain composes almost constantly.

I know. While we are doing nothing our brain don't stop thinking and replay over and over the situations that are bothering us. I just wish to maybe bang the head into the hall and forget all. Start over. Be somebody else. Change the look. Change the phone number. I don't know. I just wish my medication somehow helps me