Realising that your life is over without ever actually having lived

[AtomicNewt]

I've been dead inside for a long time. The decay is growing, not receeding. People around me have been moving forward, achieving and just generally doing things. In short, Living. I've done nothing. I've spunked my youth on just barely existing. Perhaps hoped and thought my life might pick up and my brain start functioning. I'm now nearly mid thirties and realise that my life is over without it ever having begun. Staring at middle age without any feelings of ever having had a Life. Looking back into a chasm of waste and nothingness. My life has been literally a waste.

Find it difficult to imagine anyone else letting their lives slide past without ever existing but perhaps people have their own take?

 

[Broken]

Sounds like my life story. The thing that fucks me up is for the first time in my life I don't have any hope left. I'm mid thirties and I just feel to far gone. People say you have to try and get yourself out of this mess but what if I try and things don't get better. thats no future to live

 

[been_there]

Mid thirties isn't too late to start if you want to.

 

[blanketyblk]

30's you can still start over. just need to get a kick in the butt :-) to get moving.

I'm having similar issues at 43, I spent most of my life. looking after and helping everyone else and not really caring about my needs. now i know i can be selfish with my time and since I'm still youngish :-) so i do have the option of getting my ass into gear and try and find happiness again.

 

[Broken]

30's you can still start over. just need to get a kick in the butt :-) to get moving.

I'm having similar issues at 43, I spent most of my life. looking after and helping everyone else and not really caring about my needs. now i know i can be selfish with my time and since I'm still youngish :-) so i do have the option of getting my ass into gear and try and find happiness again.

• 30's you can still start over. just need to get a kick in the butt :-) to get moving.
  
  I'm having similar issues at 43, I spent most of my life. looking after and helping everyone else and not really caring about my needs. now i know i can be selfish with my time and since I'm still youngish :-) so i do have the option of getting my ass into gear and try and find happiness again.

• 
  you sound like a good person. I've spent half my life so far thinking of knowone but myself. I'm in this mess because I'm a bad person. If I was a good person I wouldn't be alone and messed up. Maybe I have got a bright future ahead of me but I've known to much shit to believe in myself as a good person anymore that can make it through this

 

[Sandman]

• 
  you sound like a good person. I've spent half my life so far thinking of knowone but myself. I'm in this mess because I'm a bad person. If I was a good person I wouldn't be alone and messed up. Maybe I have got a bright future ahead of me but I've known to much shit to believe in myself as a good person anymore that can make it through this

You and I know there are morally abhorrent individuals reaping benefits as we speak. This is just world thinking.

 

[blanketyblk]

you sound like a good person. I've spent half my life so far thinking of knowone but myself. I'm in this mess because I'm a bad person. If I was a good person I wouldn't be alone and messed up. Maybe I have got a bright future ahead of me but I've known to much shit to believe in myself as a good person anymore that can make it through this

While you might see your self that way. I'm sure down inside you know your a better person than that. You just have to be willing to like yourself. sounds hard i know trust me.I'm dealing with that now as well. i general don't like myself. but thats just because of all the hurt i've gone though.

Hugs
Blankety

 

[Broken]

Mid thirties isn't too late to start if you want to.

I think it's very dependant on specific circumstances and where your heads at. I've overcome regret before but I don't know how to get passed what I've thrown away this time.

 

[been_there]

You and I know there are morally abhorrent individuals reaping benefits as we speak. This is just world thinking.

Try not to worry about what people say. There are so many scummy people out there. Do whatever you feel is right.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Same. I have conditions that greatly impact my quality of life and functioning - physically, socially and financially, but even beyond that I really am just a fuck ass dude. Like even if you took away everything holding me back, I'd still find some reason to procrastinate, take life's back seat, and dissociate my days away. There is no motivation, no drive, no desire for something basic even like routine or structure.

I had some dreams back in the day, but they were naive. When they didn't come to fruition, I was (probably unjustifiably) devastated. Now I'm too sick and mentally ill to change or achieve anything even if I wanted to.

 

[been_there]

Who says you have to change or achieve anything? Are the routines and structures your own or someone elses? I was in the driving seat for decades. Didn't change a thing. Its OK to have had enough of it all.

 

[Broken]

Same. I have conditions that greatly impact my quality of life and functioning - physically, socially and financially, but even beyond that I really am just a fuck ass dude. Like even if you took away everything holding me back, I'd still find some reason to procrastinate, take life's back seat, and dissociate my days away. There is no motivation, no drive, no desire for something basic even like routine or structure.

I had some dreams back in the day, but they were naive. When they didn't come to fruition, I was (probably unjustifiably) devastated. Now I'm too sick and mentally ill to change or achieve anything even if I wanted to.

snap!

Try not to worry about what people say. There are so many scummy people out there. Do whatever you feel is right.

Yeah but that's the problem I did what I new was wrong. The people I've lost wernt scummy. Scummy people I'm good with. There easy to move on from. Breaking your own promises and hurting somone when you don't mean to that's a good person is soul destroying. K

snap!
Yeah but that's the problem I did what I new was wrong. The people I've lost wernt scummy. Scummy people I'm good with. There easy to move on from. Breaking your own promises and hurting somone when you don't mean to that's a good person is soul destroying. K

On top of that I'm a drug addict and lost the person because of that
Ive taken so many drugs if I live to 62, double my age now it'll be a miracle
no decent education or passion to be driven and my mental health issues have left me unemployed
Found out my father cheats on my mum and he's spent 15 years telling me I make bad lifestyle choices whilst he makes bad lifestyle choices. That's deffo fucked me up. This lead to me becoming homeless homeless, I've lived in a tent recently waking up to earwigs crawling over me and without trying to sound ungreatful was like paradise compared to the homeless shelter I'm in now which I could only describe as like day release prison.
Lost all the good friends I was making as that life fell apart with relationship breakup. I'm sure I'll think of more and have to edit this post

snap!

Yeah but that's the problem I did what I new was wrong. The people I've lost wernt scummy. Scummy people I'm good with. There easy to move on from. Breaking your own promises and hurting somone when you don't mean to that's a good person is soul destroying. K

On top of that I'm a drug addict and lost the person because of that
Ive taken so many drugs if I live to 62, double my age now it'll be a miracle
no decent education or passion to be driven and my mental health issues have left me unemployed
Found out my father cheats on my mum and he's spent 15 years telling me I make bad lifestyle choices whilst he makes bad lifestyle choices. That's deffo fucked me up. This lead to me becoming homeless homeless, I've lived in a tent recently waking up to earwigs crawling over me and without trying to sound ungreatful was like paradise compared to the homeless shelter I'm in now which I could only describe as like day release prison.
Lost all the good friends I was making as that life fell apart with relationship breakup. I'm sure I'll think of more and have to edit this post

Anyway I've got my N staring me straight in the face. It's saying drink me, and I will soon, few things to do before I get off this planet

 

[lululoo]

Sounds like my life story. The thing that fucks me up is for the first time in my life I don't have any hope left. I'm mid thirties and I just feel to far gone. People say you have to try and get yourself out of this mess but what if I try and things don't get better. thats no future to live

Also mid thirties and too far gone and already tried enough. I haven't lived much of a life and hopefully it can just all end soon.

 

[been_there]

@Broken I'm in this mess because I'm a bad person

You're being pretty hard on yourself. I've spent years thinking of others and doing the right thing and it makes no difference at all. Doesn't matter why anyone's in the situation they are. They just are. Trouble is, if there's a way forward, it only comes from within. I do day to day here. How are you doing?

 

[SinisterKid]

Newt, no life is ever a waste. Things happen for reasons we dont always know about or understand at the time. You dont survive to mid thirties without having been and done many things, some good, some bad, some indifferent. Someone, somewhere has taken joy from you being alive. Its not platitudes either that I am spouting at you, its just what I believe to be true, for all of us. We are all in our own bad places, otherwise we would not be here, but I have learnt something from knowing you for a very short space of time. Its helping me to get to where I want to be. Not meeting you here would mean I was oblivious to such knowledge, so you have had a positive impact on my life already. That is not what I consider a wasted life.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I've been dead inside for a long time. The decay is growing, not receeding. People around me have been moving forward, achieving and just generally doing things. In short, Living. I've done nothing. I've spunked my youth on just barely existing. Perhaps hoped and thought my life might pick up and my brain start functioning. I'm now nearly mid thirties and realise that my life is over without it ever having begun. Staring at middle age without any feelings of ever having had a Life. Looking back into a chasm of waste and nothingness. My life has been literally a waste.

Find it difficult to imagine anyone else letting their lives slide past without ever existing but perhaps people have their own take?

I am sorry that you're feeling this brother. I know this feeling also.
I see the lives of others and covet that somewhat, but my real lament is the wasted potential.
I too am in my mid thirties and have been depressed for as long as I can remember.
One of the problems with suicidal people is that they don't plan for the future.
I sort of took the attitude that 'if things get too bad, I can always kill myself' or, 'I'll be dead by the end of the month/ year, whatever, so it doesn't matter'
Same mantra I've repeated since I was in my late teens.
Still waiting for the bus, existing is shit (I would say life is shit but that implies there is some sort of life).
Anyway I digress; I feel your pain brother and I sincerely hope that you can vent your spleen and find the light and peace that you seek, wherever you find it.
DBD

 

[puppy9]

I'm in a same predicament like yours , it feels like a deer in the headlights. You just froze and tentative with your decision .
Start comparing with others further exacerbate my condition, in a flash ; ten years had passed.

 

[AtomicNewt]

I'm in a same predicament like yours , it feels like a deer in the headlights. You just froze and tentative with your decision .
Start comparing with others further exacerbate my condition, in a flash ; ten years had passed.

Yes, others have Lived and grown and done, well, whatever shit, good Or bad, but at least done Something! People growing or changing whilst you realise you're just rotting...

 

[puppy9]

Yes, others have Lived and grown and done, well, whatever shit, good Or bad, but at least done Something! People growing or changing whilst you realise you're just rotting...

Wow we are just in the same situation. As I grown mature since my early adulthood , I started to see all my transgressions at once , and it stabs my heart. I just wish I can be the sort of guy that is ; ignorance is bliss. They seem to have figured everything out ironically.