Venting Ready to hang

[taiberjames]

Hi all,
Again I fell into my old deppression and im exhausted.. was diagnosed with bipolar 5 years ago when i was 20, this time i fell after a major breakup.

When i started to collapse i took a flight to the UK and came back to my parents , but the surrounding just allowed me to get even more unfunctioning.
it's been two month now since i started sleeping at my little's brother bed. I stay in bed until 11-12 when it's getting painful to lay and then most of the day i watch TV and scroll here, hoping to find the magical perfect method that missed somehow. I have no power or will to do anything else.
I avoid massages since I'm sick of repeating the same dialog over my state and don't know how to talk about anything else.

I'm waking up to CBT thoughts and go to sleep with them, sometimes a good episode can distract me of it for a bit.

Until recently I tried "night night" method with shirts or ropes every other night,sometimes i felt lm almost there when I got blurry vision and dizziness, but only ended up with head and neck pains the next day.
I got addicted to the attempts even though I knew I'm not close.

Now I'm ready to go.
the only reasonable method for me ATM is hanging, tried to avoid this one also since my cousin Committed that way 2 years ago. But also it's a pretty scary one..
It's pretty shitty to land a second suicide on my family, its a devastating blow but I can't see other way. I can't imagine keep on living for the sake of others.
Wish I could get a hold on a gun/SN/N/H/fent..

I'm going to therapy, and I know life comes in waves, I even studied therapy myself(haven't used it much)..
But everytime I fall I just ruin everything I created and reach the lowest bottom.
It's so hard to startover. Its Probably the 4th/5th time now.
I find it so hard to imagine living 60-80 more years like that. And for what? even in my stable happy points I can't see the reasons to stay.


Next week my parents goes away so it's seems like a good timing to take a bus to the city to buy a rope
And take the bikes to the nearest Forrest.

I guess I will just turn on the GPS so the police can locate me afterwards.


I hope I will have the guts to jump, I'm planning on long drop which can be pretty frightening.. but I hope that when I see gate open it will be comforting.

Thanks for reading.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound tiring being trapped in that situation, but to me there could never be anything wrong with suicide as none of us are obligated to continue existing here, it's a personal decision when to leave, and anyway we all have to die someday, suicide is just someone taking control over when they will be free. Of course I understand that death upsets other people, but it's inevitable and I would personally always prefer to die on my own terms to prevent unnecessary suffering. The thing that I find devastating instead is how people force life into this hellish world.

I also wish that methods like Nembutal were more easily avaliable, it's so horrible how we exist in a world where humans are denied the right to die in peace, but anyway those who attempt the hanging method certainly are courageous, best wishes with your plans.