Ready to die but not ready to say goodbye.

[theergorthdies]

Ever since I watched as my mom was slowly sucked away from us by cancer and my cat (which was basically my only friend at the moment) die while I hopelessly held him in my arms, death has felt like that stalker who I can't get rid of, one who I will eventually befriend... maybe sooner than I expected.

Thought I've also had lots of proplems with bullying, love and family, nothing seems a better excuse to exit this hell than the situation I'm in right now...

I am a foreign student in one of the worst choice of countries for people like me: Russia. Why "people like me"? Well, I'm gay and HIV positive and ever since my University found out my HIV status, it has tried it's best to ensure that I leave the country because foreigners with the virus are illegal as far as law is concerned.

That seems like something I would have done almost readily considering that this isn't even close to the best places anyone can live in but, but I have no idea who I'll go back to... I haven't informed my dad about anything and informing him doesn't mean that anything will become better... He is so brutal a man and has been for so long my, not worst, but significantly bad nightmare. I'm also taunted by the disappointment from my siblings when they learn that their brother might have been whoring around to get infected. Nobody simply understands how cursed my luck is!

On my arms are self harm and attempted suicide scars that are mostly three years old. Two weeks ago, after the finding out, I planned for suicide by drowning in the river after having many shots of vodka to nearly blackening out then going for a "swim" but even before I opened the bottle, SI kicked in but were it not for the millions of times my boyfriend phoned me having have possibly read the suicide note I left, I probably would have continued anyways.

There's still hope for my friendship with death though.

I'm planning on drowning myself in a pool this time, after having some many shots of vodka till I black out, or inducing syncope while drunk and standing on the edge of the pool.

Today would have been the day but one other thing is that, to get someexta cash I have been working as a teacher and the last words I got from my employer today was how much she valued my presence with them...that made me rethink everything for a while...and after getting home and seeing my boyfriend once more, though it was supposed to be a last goodbye, Im having second thoughts on the day I'll ctb.

I'm thinking Friday and also considering SN.

I just need to deal with the fear of saying goodbye.

 

[JimFord99]

See, /theergorthdiesl if you don't want to say good bye, don't say it. You have HIV, this alone does not mean it is the end. HIV is no longer terminal, it is survivable.can I ask which nationality you are? And why did you choose Russia to study. What I am trying to say is, if you really feel you need to go, go, and don't say good bye. The uncertainty will keep nagging if you don't know how.

 

[theergorthdies]

See, /theergorthdiesl if you don't want to say good bye, don't say it. You have HIV, this alone does not mean it is the end. HIV is no longer terminal, it is survivable.can I ask which nationality you are? And why did you choose Russia to study. What I am trying to say is, if you really feel you need to go, go, and don't say good bye. The uncertainty will keep nagging if you don't know how.

Russia was never my choice, but because it is cheaper to study here, I had to. Suicidal thoughts never started with the HIV, they have been growing since I started being bullied when some guys found out I was attracted to different people than they are. My mom and cat's death, lost love, family problems and now, the thought of being a burden and disappointment have just added coal to this furnace that is ready to consume me.
But yeah, a good bye doesn't really matter once I'm just but a memory they had.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

I dont know your culture, but being LGBT here in Canada isn't a crime, and neither is whoring around or being HIV positive. Russia is horrible for LGBT people. Maybe being in a more enlightened part of the world would be better? the compassion you find with others like you makes life a little better...

Im Pan and trans, when i got a false positive for syphilis i thought my life was over. Havent been sleeping with as many people as i used to, so i guess i learnt, but damn the two week re-test period was so scary, actually being positive would be terrifying.

 

[JimFord99]

I really don't know much about Russia and the culture and attitude there, so I really can't advice you. In Western European culture it is very acceptable that you are gay, and even being HIV positive does not seem to be a problem anymore. Used to be in the 80s and 90s but not now. I do not think you should consider yourself as a burden and/or a disappointment. Not at all. Not your choice, choice choose you. Paradox and sad, but brutally honest. Nobody here at SS is judging you. Just to give you some comfort ...

 

[theergorthdies]

I dont know your culture, but being LGBT here in Canada isn't a crime, and neither is whoring around or being HIV positive. Russia is horrible for LGBT people. Maybe being in a more enlightened part of the world would be better? the compassion you find with others like you makes life a little better...

Im Pan and trans, when i got a false positive for syphilis i thought my life was over. Havent been sleeping with as many people as i used to, so i guess i learnt, but damn the two week re-test period was so scary, actually being positive would be terrifying.

I've always wished I was in a more enlightened part of the world, but with empty pockets almost nothing is possible...

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

I've always wished I was in a more enlightened part of the world, but with empty pockets almost nothing is possible...

Being broke is the worst, yepp yepp.

 

[theergorthdies]

I really don't know much about Russia and the culture and attitude there, so I really can't advice you. In Western European culture it is very acceptable that you are gay, and even being HIV positive does not seem to be a problem anymore. Used to be in the 80s and 90s but not now. I do not think you should consider yourself as a burden and/or a disappointment. Not at all. Not your choice, choice choose you. Paradox and sad, but brutally honest. Nobody here at SS is judging you. Just to give you some comfort ...

Hah... The Russian culture, to me, is Western European in the 90s and 80s.
I really appreciate the words and understanding SS provides. Being judged for a life you own is nothing anybody deserves.

 

[JimFord99]

I always thought, or made to believe, or what the press reports, Russia is now more open to western attitude or is this just another appearance of propaganda? Hmm, really don't know.

 

[metalchic_74]

Ever since I watched as my mom was slowly sucked away from us by cancer and my cat (which was basically my only friend at the moment) die while I hopelessly held him in my arms, death has felt like that stalker who I can't get rid of, one who I will eventually befriend... maybe sooner than I expected.

Thought I've also had lots of proplems with bullying, love and family, nothing seems a better excuse to exit this hell than the situation I'm in right now...

I am a foreign student in one of the worst choice of countries for people like me: Russia. Why "people like me"? Well, I'm gay and HIV positive and ever since my University found out my HIV status, it has tried it's best to ensure that I leave the country because foreigners with the virus are illegal as far as law is concerned.

That seems like something I would have done almost readily considering that this isn't even close to the best places anyone can live in but, but I have no idea who I'll go back to... I haven't informed my dad about anything and informing him doesn't mean that anything will become better... He is so brutal a man and has been for so long my, not worst, but significantly bad nightmare. I'm also taunted by the disappointment from my siblings when they learn that their brother might have been whoring around to get infected. Nobody simply understands how cursed my luck is!

On my arms are self harm and attempted suicide scars that are mostly three years old. Two weeks ago, after the finding out, I planned for suicide by drowning in the river after having many shots of vodka to nearly blackening out then going for a "swim" but even before I opened the bottle, SI kicked in but were it not for the millions of times my boyfriend phoned me having have possibly read the suicide note I left, I probably would have continued anyways.

There's still hope for my friendship with death though.

I'm planning on drowning myself in a pool this time, after having some many shots of vodka till I black out, or inducing syncope while drunk and standing on the edge of the pool.

Today would have been the day but one other thing is that, to get someexta cash I have been working as a teacher and the last words I got from my employer today was how much she valued my presence with them...that made me rethink everything for a while...and after getting home and seeing my boyfriend once more, though it was supposed to be a last goodbye, Im having second thoughts on the day I'll ctb.

I'm thinking Friday and also considering SN.

I just need to deal with the fear of saying goodbye.

Love your avatar

 

[theergorthdies]

I always thought, or made to believe, or what the press reports, Russia is now more open to western attitude or is this just another appearance of propaganda? Hmm, really don't know.

The openness to Western attitude is greatly influenced by the city you're in. For example, for a gay person Moscow and Saint Petersburg are some of the most westernized cities, even having a couple of gay bars, but that doesn't mean that you can be openly gay, or do something like hold your partner's hand or show the slightest of affection in public without getting insulted or worse. You'd prefer to live in the closet.
In most cities and regions however, being gay is a taboo and having a single gay bar around is a dream. If there is one, it operates descteetly for the safety of the users' lives, for you never know what will happen once the public find out.

Young people are however more open minded to stuff like homosexuality and the western culture.

Love your avatar

\m/ Thanks \m/

 

[JimFord99]

The openness to Western attitude is greatly influenced by the city you're in. For example, for a gay person Moscow and Saint Petersburg are some of the most westernized cities, even having a couple of gay bars, but that doesn't mean that you can be openly gay, or do something like hold your partner's hand or show the slightest of affection in public without getting insulted or worse. You'd prefer to live in the closet.
In most cities and regions however, being gay is a taboo and having a single gay bar around is a dream. If there is one, it operates descteetly for the safety of the users' lives, for you never know what will happen once the public find out.

Young people are however more open minded to stuff like homosexuality and the western culture.

\m/ Thanks \m/

Thanks for that, theergorthdies, very informative.