Echo81
Member
- Feb 5, 2021
- 85
Hello All,
Good evening, every time I feel ready to post, I begin and my brain goes blank but I'm just going to go for it tonight.
I don't know how to flair the post, its is the correct one, sorry if it's wrong. And if I break any rules it's not on purpose.
Not sure where to begin but I need to start somewhere- so I'm pretty much completely over the horrible mess I've made out of my life and the shame I have brought to my self and my family.
That is the short and simple version. The longer one includes an entire life of sh@t, some my fault some not my fault.
A complex, multilayered universe of dysfunction splattered here and there with bits of gumdrops and lollipops but mostly sagging beneath the weight of death, drugs, abuse of several kinds, the most undelightful combinations of health and financial issues with some good ole fashioned super classic family dynamics, all from almost birth because that's how it goes right?
My first thoughts of suicide occurred at age 10. I have had a couple half hearted attempts, nothing worth mentioning.
A couple of attempts knowing the method was wrong but still believing it would work.
1 serious attempt that I survived much to my great surprise, with a couple of lasting side effects one a bit concerning.
And now here, during yet another one of my self sabotaging, gnarly soul sucking and life destroying escapades.
I let my weaknesses and pain and darkness get the better of me and boy this time I really did one over on me.
So I have been living with suicidal ideation for almost 30 years.
I have been living with CPTSD diagnosed 15 years ago and I am unsure if this might have been backdated but most likely.
Prior to this I had incurred a TBI with subsequent brain swelling, 3 procedures to fix that and put a plate in. I had zero physical rehabilitation for this injury which incapacitated me in many ways, some of which last til this day.
This, along with depression and anxiety have been almost entirely untreated by professional western medicine.
Any attempts made with these types of treatment like pharmaceutical drugs or board certified therapists have proven ineffective.
Since this diagnoses, other serious, negative life altering events have happened in my life.
I don't really know if any of this personal information has any relevancy but I found this site a few years ago while researching methods.
Maybe I'm just introducing myself and a tiny bit of background concerning why I am here venting to ya'll.
The country where I live is not culturally not accepting of this topic.
But I read an such a simple comment recently somewhere, maybe here idk- that most people don't want to die, they just want the pain to end.
For me? I agree.
But I also am not afraid of death.
There are so many years of mental anguish. Guilt, shame, sadness, anger everything.
I can't go more years like this. Its been a lot already.
Its in my brain. The thoughts of ending it are like Neverending. Ever.
I am here because I believe I have found a way and would like to learn more.
Am I allowed to speak about my preferred method?
I would like to speak to like- minded people in a sensible, reasonable manner about this topic ctb, I have to get used to saying it that way.
It feels nice to know there is a place where perspective and feedback can help soothe my mind.
I feel like someone who has been contemplating the same idea for 30 years has a grip on what they want. That is not a snap decision yo.
That is a lot of time to weigh ethical and moral aspects as well as having a good understanding of how such an event would affect the family.
I know my post is kind of everywhere, I'm a little nervous.
But I have begun fulfilling my to do list and well, I feel ready.
I feel like I'm in the wrong universe by a short amount of time. Like sometimes I feel myself and the fabric of this space time whatever ether we are in and I feel that I am supposed to be somewhere else. That that place is close and almost tangible but not quite there.
Does anyone relate to this?
Good evening, every time I feel ready to post, I begin and my brain goes blank but I'm just going to go for it tonight.
I don't know how to flair the post, its is the correct one, sorry if it's wrong. And if I break any rules it's not on purpose.
Not sure where to begin but I need to start somewhere- so I'm pretty much completely over the horrible mess I've made out of my life and the shame I have brought to my self and my family.
That is the short and simple version. The longer one includes an entire life of sh@t, some my fault some not my fault.
A complex, multilayered universe of dysfunction splattered here and there with bits of gumdrops and lollipops but mostly sagging beneath the weight of death, drugs, abuse of several kinds, the most undelightful combinations of health and financial issues with some good ole fashioned super classic family dynamics, all from almost birth because that's how it goes right?
My first thoughts of suicide occurred at age 10. I have had a couple half hearted attempts, nothing worth mentioning.
A couple of attempts knowing the method was wrong but still believing it would work.
1 serious attempt that I survived much to my great surprise, with a couple of lasting side effects one a bit concerning.
And now here, during yet another one of my self sabotaging, gnarly soul sucking and life destroying escapades.
I let my weaknesses and pain and darkness get the better of me and boy this time I really did one over on me.
So I have been living with suicidal ideation for almost 30 years.
I have been living with CPTSD diagnosed 15 years ago and I am unsure if this might have been backdated but most likely.
Prior to this I had incurred a TBI with subsequent brain swelling, 3 procedures to fix that and put a plate in. I had zero physical rehabilitation for this injury which incapacitated me in many ways, some of which last til this day.
This, along with depression and anxiety have been almost entirely untreated by professional western medicine.
Any attempts made with these types of treatment like pharmaceutical drugs or board certified therapists have proven ineffective.
Since this diagnoses, other serious, negative life altering events have happened in my life.
I don't really know if any of this personal information has any relevancy but I found this site a few years ago while researching methods.
Maybe I'm just introducing myself and a tiny bit of background concerning why I am here venting to ya'll.
The country where I live is not culturally not accepting of this topic.
But I read an such a simple comment recently somewhere, maybe here idk- that most people don't want to die, they just want the pain to end.
For me? I agree.
But I also am not afraid of death.
There are so many years of mental anguish. Guilt, shame, sadness, anger everything.
I can't go more years like this. Its been a lot already.
Its in my brain. The thoughts of ending it are like Neverending. Ever.
I am here because I believe I have found a way and would like to learn more.
Am I allowed to speak about my preferred method?
I would like to speak to like- minded people in a sensible, reasonable manner about this topic ctb, I have to get used to saying it that way.
It feels nice to know there is a place where perspective and feedback can help soothe my mind.
I feel like someone who has been contemplating the same idea for 30 years has a grip on what they want. That is not a snap decision yo.
That is a lot of time to weigh ethical and moral aspects as well as having a good understanding of how such an event would affect the family.
I know my post is kind of everywhere, I'm a little nervous.
But I have begun fulfilling my to do list and well, I feel ready.
I feel like I'm in the wrong universe by a short amount of time. Like sometimes I feel myself and the fabric of this space time whatever ether we are in and I feel that I am supposed to be somewhere else. That that place is close and almost tangible but not quite there.
Does anyone relate to this?