reading your suicide note for recovery?

[Life_and_Death]

call me crazy, and from reading what i have here most can't/ wouldnt do this however pretend for a second that you can. could it be therapeutic in some way? to have it out there and just "this is whats wrong and this is why i have to?" i mean if you fail anyway theyre going to read it and youre going to be alive and theyre going to know. the only difference is the circumstances.

idk just a crazy thing i thought. idk what happened last night has kind of been on my mind. i didnt care if he really loved me or not. working on my note last night made me sick and hes always the one i went to in the past so i broke down and messaged him. i ended up telling him that i "attempted" (as much as one can without getting caught). i told him that i wanted to try again this morning (last night) and all he said was "Well... I hope you sleep well. And have sweet dreams

" some might make comments saying he doesnt care but dont. you dont know him and therefore are making assumptions on nothing. he knows my story, he knows my pain. he knows im hurting and im at my wits end. he's understanding....idk, its probably a stupid idea but it would give my loved ones a total insight into everything and how i feel, better enabling them to help me. if im not hated for some of the stuff im including that is.

idk sometimes i think he would understand, other times i think hes going to despise me, sometimes i wonder if hes going to do something in spite. i hate who i am more then enough for the both of us, but i cant keep it to myself forever either...idk i went off track a little, just ignore this part.

 

[Bat 17]

Forgive my being slow on the uptake but....who is he?

 

[Life_and_Death]

Forgive my being slow on the uptake but....who is he?

In the middle paragraph my friend
In the last paragraph my husband

 

[Bat 17]

In the middle paragraph my friend
In the last paragraph my husband

Ah ok. Were you disappointed that your friend didn't say more when you contacted him in this way?

You are going through a lot right now clearly. Sending hugs. I like the way you write too (even if I don't always understand it!)

 

[Life_and_Death]

Were you disappointed that your friend didn't say more when you contacted him in this way?

Actually I messaged back "thank you". I told him that while I wasn't sure how much he understood that it showed he did understand that living like this is hurting me. To just.... Let me go, it meant a lot.

I like the way you write too (even if I don't always understand it!)

Can you tell me more about this? It seems like no one ever understands me. I'm also curious what you mean by the way I write in general. Sometimes an outside view can be helpful.

 

[Bat 17]

Can you tell me more about this? It seems like no one ever understands me. I'm also curious what you mean by the way I write in general. Sometimes an outside view can be helpful.

What I meant is I like the way you are very open about what you are thinking and experiencing, you write in a very emotional way which is kind of stream of consciousness at times. Sometimes it's dark and raw but that is appropriate given where we are. I admire your honesty about the various frustrations you are having and the difficulty you feel being truly understood in life. It resonates. I think I connect with what you write because I often have difficulty expressing my emotions - so I can live vicariously through what you write. I couldn't say I understand what you are going through for a variety of reasons, including that I'm only on this forum recently, but I always look out for your posts.

 

[Life_and_Death]

What I meant is I like the way you are very open about what you are thinking and experiencing, you write in a very emotional way which is kind of stream of consciousness at times. Sometimes it's dark and raw but that is appropriate given where we are. I admire your honesty about the various frustrations you are having and the difficulty you feel being truly understood in life. It resonates. I think I connect with what you write because I often have difficulty expressing my emotions - so I can live vicariously through what you write. I couldn't say I understand what you are going through for a variety of reasons, including that I'm only on this forum recently, but I always look out for your posts.

BPD i guess, emotions are my problem lol (well half of it).

more seriously though, i feel what i feel and i say what i say. if 'you' dont like it thats not really my problem. i have my thoughts/feelings and opinions and the only thing that can be changed is my opinion if im given a good reason to change it. if someone has anything negative to say against me i have no problem standing up for myself (triggered by the day i slapped my mother across the face), not that that changes how i emotionally take it, although it does a bit i guess. i know im not wrong, 'you' dont really know anything about me, only i know about me so who are 'you' to judge. like my signature says "Unless you've lived my life don't judge me. And you'll never live my life so never judge me." and "its not the action, its the motive that matters" those 2 mean the most to me. the second because one can commit murder and from the outside "omg you killed them!" but WHY did they kill them? was it out of anger, love, revenge, self defense, just because? theres so many reasons for something be it negative or positive and thats something to consider as well. what could be wrong might have been done for the right reason and what might be right could be done for the wrong reason. not only this but the first one, everyones life shapes them. they are the way they are for a reason and i am the way i am for a reason. is it wrong to hate the human race, probably, but there seems to be so many horrible, hypnotical, selfish (the words go on lol) people in this world that its difficult to not hate the human race. but at the same time theres a happy medium to everything, not everyone is mean.

just some important life lessons i live by to maybe explain partially why im so open, im sure disorders play a small part as well