I hardly ever txt a suicide type helpline but last week all responses were automated with "sorry can't talk, call 111 if it's an emg".
I find it such a joke that people act surprised & horrified at New zealands (im sure not just this countries) suicide stats.
I wanted to talk about how horrendous I'm feeling today to someone but I couldn't post to a support group because I was scared thed contact crises & I'd look like I'm crying wolf since I'm too scared to kms everyday. I have a mh team & they are aware I've mentally declined rapidly but some idiot locked me up for THREE MONTHS in a psyc ward this year which was a waste because they ignored what was making me want to die so the problem is even worse now.
Anyway this is the only place I can vent without being scared cops will show up.
Oh yea I eventually called the crises team for the first time ever when the helplines didn't reply because I was losing blood & I was struggling to make myself stop (bloodloss is a horrific way to die & unless your uncontrollably bleeding you won't die (youl just feel the most sick youl ever probably feel in your life once youve lost enough & pass out), so I wanted help to stop before I reached that point because i wasnt trying to die. The guy was awkward & useless, I didn't even tell him because I didn't want to look attention seeking, I woulda been better approaching the drunk clubbers outside tbh. He told me to meditate or some crap like that once I'd calmed down lol.
I feel I shouldnt even be on rhis site, I've only twice fully accepted death due to an attempt & once a lack of doing anything to stop my likely death. I don't even want to die I'm just in so much mental pain I cannot fathom going on (I keep panicking/breaking out in sweat when I think about how im stuck alive). But I'm so scared of death, even the word SN makes me anxious, my only method I feel okay with (z drugs & benzos) ik won't work & I can't access opiates which everyone seems to have the problem of.
I have taken foxglove before and that landed me in coronary care (not a suicide attempt), & this week I've finally blended & filled up like 70 capsules of the stuff, the problem is I know this method has 100 ways to fail including me likely freaking out somewhere along the 1-5 days it would take to work & ending up in hosp just humiliated.
I just feel in so much mental agony, how is this not enough to be motivated to die over. I hate myself.
Oh yea and the funny bit was my mh team are apparently scared shitless I'm gonna die from a heart attack from my low (but not even low for me hemoglobin levels). Aparently no one wants ro work woth someone who might drop dead. I just said I hoped I do.
Not hating on my team it's just a bit funny when my levels aren't even low compared to in the past where I've been referred to hospice care because they were so low (20, or 2 if your from the USA) no Dr had seen anyone alive with such levels (which I maintained in a small range for 2 years). I feel like I just never die and life is taking the piss
I find it such a joke that people act surprised & horrified at New zealands (im sure not just this countries) suicide stats.
I wanted to talk about how horrendous I'm feeling today to someone but I couldn't post to a support group because I was scared thed contact crises & I'd look like I'm crying wolf since I'm too scared to kms everyday. I have a mh team & they are aware I've mentally declined rapidly but some idiot locked me up for THREE MONTHS in a psyc ward this year which was a waste because they ignored what was making me want to die so the problem is even worse now.
Anyway this is the only place I can vent without being scared cops will show up.
Oh yea I eventually called the crises team for the first time ever when the helplines didn't reply because I was losing blood & I was struggling to make myself stop (bloodloss is a horrific way to die & unless your uncontrollably bleeding you won't die (youl just feel the most sick youl ever probably feel in your life once youve lost enough & pass out), so I wanted help to stop before I reached that point because i wasnt trying to die. The guy was awkward & useless, I didn't even tell him because I didn't want to look attention seeking, I woulda been better approaching the drunk clubbers outside tbh. He told me to meditate or some crap like that once I'd calmed down lol.
I feel I shouldnt even be on rhis site, I've only twice fully accepted death due to an attempt & once a lack of doing anything to stop my likely death. I don't even want to die I'm just in so much mental pain I cannot fathom going on (I keep panicking/breaking out in sweat when I think about how im stuck alive). But I'm so scared of death, even the word SN makes me anxious, my only method I feel okay with (z drugs & benzos) ik won't work & I can't access opiates which everyone seems to have the problem of.
I have taken foxglove before and that landed me in coronary care (not a suicide attempt), & this week I've finally blended & filled up like 70 capsules of the stuff, the problem is I know this method has 100 ways to fail including me likely freaking out somewhere along the 1-5 days it would take to work & ending up in hosp just humiliated.
I just feel in so much mental agony, how is this not enough to be motivated to die over. I hate myself.
Oh yea and the funny bit was my mh team are apparently scared shitless I'm gonna die from a heart attack from my low (but not even low for me hemoglobin levels). Aparently no one wants ro work woth someone who might drop dead. I just said I hoped I do.
Not hating on my team it's just a bit funny when my levels aren't even low compared to in the past where I've been referred to hospice care because they were so low (20, or 2 if your from the USA) no Dr had seen anyone alive with such levels (which I maintained in a small range for 2 years). I feel like I just never die and life is taking the piss
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I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do.
