Venting reaching out for help feels like peeing in the wind

[dinosavr]

I've been going through another treatment for a couple of weeks now but last night I had a serious comeback of my suicidal ideation for the first time in months. I had a hard time falling asleep because of how intense my thoughts were, so I decided to call a helpline to talk about it and deal with it healthily, just like the textbook says.
It wasn't my first attempt to try and talk about it openly and it wasn't my first disappointment either. I really appreciate the effort that they take to be at work at midnight on saturday night and talk to idiots who are selfish enough to want to die. But does it really work for anyone?
They keep saying "reach out for help", "mental health matters", blah blah blah, all that shit. But then all they have for you is breathing exercises and thinking about something nice. Why won't they try actual talking about it? Nobody has ever asked me why I even want to die, how I want to do it, or any other details I'd like to share with someone just to feel a tiny bit lighter. Or why do they ask what emotions you feel but when you want to express your frustration and pain, you can only expect cops at your door and a psych ward stay.
What I'd love to do when I'm in crisis is venting to a trusted stranger who can help me go through these difficult emotions. Instead, I end up sleep deprived, mentally drained and venting on a fucking suicide forum again, because here is where I can find the safe space that's nowhere else and I'm welcome to talk openly about how extremely fucking much I want to be in my grave already.

 

[UnnervedCompany]

RIP. I did not know suicide help lines are so useless lol. Try journaling since then you can vent in case you don't have internet or something. A lot of medical help is just smoke and mirrors were it seems there is so much going on or so much that can help but step inside for a second and you will see its just a lie.

 

[whywere]

I 100% agree with you @dinosavr as far as suicide lines, at least here in the U.S. are like a Band-Aid that gets put on and falls off 1 second later. I have called them before and it always seems to me the fact of "if you are not going to kill yourself right here and now", then they are not interested in talking with me.

Reading your thread, I get a very strong feeling of how caring and kind you are, and we are family here as far as not only looking out for one another, but the key of understanding and empathy with love and caring for each other and no judging folks, we work hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, no wonder we get flack all the time, as folks who slam this site are jealous of us.

Walter