Venting Re-Evaluating...........But Not How You Think

[locked*n*loaded]

So, here it is. Some may know my story a little. I have no family and no friends. All my family, which was not large to begin with, died within the past few years. So, I'm all alone, as alone as anyone could be. After the passing of my mother last year, I figured I'd get her things (estate) taken care of, and then concentrate on taking care of my things and get those in order. That was the plan. I never thought I'd be able to take care of everything that's awry in my life, of which there is plenty. I just wanted to neaten up some things, get rid of some things, that kind of thing, to make dealing with my things easier for whoever has to after I'm gone. Yeah, that was the plan. Well, you know what they say about the best made plans.

That was then, but this is now. Now, I find myself with no energy at all. I sleep, wake up, eat some breakfast, and find myself needing to go right back to sleep, which I do. I reawaken late in the afternoon and still have no ambition, or desire, or energy to get anything done. My intentions are always there to do what I feel needs to be done, and I want to, but I'm just unable to. I'm too fucking tired. It's more than just being tired. I'm exhausted. I've been mentally exhausted for quite some time, but now I'm physically exhausted, as well. I've never felt this exhausted. It's keeping me from doing what I know I need, and want, to do.

So, I started thinking: What the hell do I care how much of my shit I get in order before I die? I mean, it's not like I'm taking any of my shit with me. And I really wouldn't want to, anyway. It would just remind me of this shit-hole place. The only reason I wanted to get rid of some of my shit is so that 1) I could make it a little easier on whoever has to deal with it and 2) so that I could sell it and stick the money into my bank account so it would be easier to direct it to the charities I chose in my will. A couple of the things I wanted to get rid of need just a little attention, and if I could give them that attention, I could get additional money for them, which would allow me to give the charities more, as opposed to just selling them "as-is". Yeah, that was the plan. This plan isn't working out. I guess I should have known that my plans wouldn't work out, because nothing I've done ever has. Just another failure in my pathetic life. Whoever has to deal with my shit will just be some stranger appointed by the court, anyway. What the hell do I care how much they have to deal with? Why should I? I just came to the realization that I don't care. I really just fucking don't care.

I know there are some things that I must get done, like getting my will made, and seeing my mom's monument installed at the grave site. The monument isn't too far off and that will close that chapter. So, in this re-evaluation I'm doing, I'm thinking that I'm not going to get any of (the other) stuff done, except for my will, since I have so little left in me. I know one other thing I have to do is get the materials that I need to ctb in order. I think I'm going to forget about N, and just start concentrating on my back-up plan, which is CO. I need to get a tent, some chimney starters, a CO meter, charcoal, etc. Yeah, forget the N. It may never happen anyway. My plan was to stick around until about this time next year, maybe not quite this long, but close to it, get some of the things I could done, and then ctb. I don't think I'm going to make it. I think with my remaining energy that I have, which isn't much, on my better days, I'm going to have to devote everything I have left just in making sure I get a will made and finalized, which is a necessity, and the means to carry-out my exit. This is what it's all come down to. I have to go as soon as possible. I have to get rid of a car in my garage, too, which is taking up a bay, where I plan on pitching the tent to ctb. I know if I fixed the couple minor things on the car, I could easily get $2000 for it, instead of selling it off to salvage for a few hundred. But, I think now, that's the best way to go. I feel my health may be deteriorating due to my severe depression, and it's deteriorating faster than expected. I'm so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I don't even want to leave the house and seldom do, only when I absolutely have to. Circumstances seem to be dictating more about how this is all going to play out than I can control. I have no control, anymore, not that I ever really did, at least not much. That's nothing new, really. I've never felt like I had control of my life.

Sorry for my boring rant when you all have your own shit to deal with.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand the feeling of being tired of everything and I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are desperate to leave. I do think that it can be hard to make plans as life is unpredictable and we do not really know what will happen in the future. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Thank you FuneralCry for your compassionate words. I'm a bit better today, but still really tired. And I'm coming to the realization that I'm not going to get to most of the things I need done. It's just another failure in a long list of failures. I think I'm OK if I don't get to everything. I'll just do what I can. if I decide to go earlier than planned, that's OK too.

 

[Iamchickenhat]

I'm sorry things are so bad. Don't think bad of yourself bc you don't get done all the things you're "supposed to". It's ok to give yourself some slack. But I wish you peace

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm sorry things are so bad. Don't think bad of yourself bc you don't get done all the things you're "supposed to". It's ok to give yourself some slack. But I wish you peace

Thanks, and I hear what you're saying, but, honestly, I already feel pretty bad about myself. One of the reasons I am where I am in life. I guess all I can do is what I can do and it will have to be good enough. It won't matter when I'm gone. That's where I need to try and get my head.

 

[NotMeAnymore]

Dear Locked... are you in the U.S.? I could have written every word you did -- except I made a will a while back, before my gun was impounded.

I ask if you are in the States because you sound like a perfect "partner." I too have absolutely NOBODY-- except for a housemate with zero empathy who's made my CO exit all but impossible unless I travel.

I hope you read this and can respond soon: I've run out of energy and options, and just want to have a kindred spirit with whom to connect.

 

[home]

I feel you. It seems like every nee dsy that goes by, i grow more and more apathetic. At least it might make cbting easier.

 

[Hollowillow]

So, here it is. Some may know my story a little. I have no family and no friends. All my family, which was not large to begin with, died within the past few years. So, I'm all alone, as alone as anyone could be. After the passing of my mother last year, I figured I'd get her things (estate) taken care of, and then concentrate on taking care of my things and get those in order. That was the plan. I never thought I'd be able to take care of everything that's awry in my life, of which there is plenty. I just wanted to neaten up some things, get rid of some things, that kind of thing, to make dealing with my things easier for whoever has to after I'm gone. Yeah, that was the plan. Well, you know what they say about the best made plans.

That was then, but this is now. Now, I find myself with no energy at all. I sleep, wake up, eat some breakfast, and find myself needing to go right back to sleep, which I do. I reawaken late in the afternoon and still have no ambition, or desire, or energy to get anything done. My intentions are always there to do what I feel needs to be done, and I want to, but I'm just unable to. I'm too fucking tired. It's more than just being tired. I'm exhausted. I've been mentally exhausted for quite some time, but now I'm physically exhausted, as well. I've never felt this exhausted. It's keeping me from doing what I know I need, and want, to do.

So, I started thinking: What the hell do I care how much of my shit I get in order before I die? I mean, it's not like I'm taking any of my shit with me. And I really wouldn't want to, anyway. It would just remind me of this shit-hole place. The only reason I wanted to get rid of some of my shit is so that 1) I could make it a little easier on whoever has to deal with it and 2) so that I could sell it and stick the money into my bank account so it would be easier to direct it to the charities I chose in my will. A couple of the things I wanted to get rid of need just a little attention, and if I could give them that attention, I could get additional money for them, which would allow me to give the charities more, as opposed to just selling them "as-is". Yeah, that was the plan. This plan isn't working out. I guess I should have known that my plans wouldn't work out, because nothing I've done ever has. Just another failure in my pathetic life. Whoever has to deal with my shit will just be some stranger appointed by the court, anyway. What the hell do I care how much they have to deal with? Why should I? I just came to the realization that I don't care. I really just fucking don't care.

I know there are some things that I must get done, like getting my will made, and seeing my mom's monument installed at the grave site. The monument isn't too far off and that will close that chapter. So, in this re-evaluation I'm doing, I'm thinking that I'm not going to get any of (the other) stuff done, except for my will, since I have so little left in me. I know one other thing I have to do is get the materials that I need to ctb in order. I think I'm going to forget about N, and just start concentrating on my back-up plan, which is CO. I need to get a tent, some chimney starters, a CO meter, charcoal, etc. Yeah, forget the N. It may never happen anyway. My plan was to stick around until about this time next year, maybe not quite this long, but close to it, get some of the things I could done, and then ctb. I don't think I'm going to make it. I think with my remaining energy that I have, which isn't much, on my better days, I'm going to have to devote everything I have left just in making sure I get a will made and finalized, which is a necessity, and the means to carry-out my exit. This is what it's all come down to. I have to go as soon as possible. I have to get rid of a car in my garage, too, which is taking up a bay, where I plan on pitching the tent to ctb. I know if I fixed the couple minor things on the car, I could easily get $2000 for it, instead of selling it off to salvage for a few hundred. But, I think now, that's the best way to go. I feel my health may be deteriorating due to my severe depression, and it's deteriorating faster than expected. I'm so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I don't even want to leave the house and seldom do, only when I absolutely have to. Circumstances seem to be dictating more about how this is all going to play out than I can control. I have no control, anymore, not that I ever really did, at least not much. That's nothing new, really. I've never felt like I had control of my life.

Sorry for my boring rant when you all have your own shit to deal with.

Thanks for the rant, it's a nice break from my own shit.

After my burn out and car accident I was exhausted like you. B vitamins for energy & healing nerves, C to heal & cope with stress. I'm too far gone... But I climbed out of doom with this...

I think charities are scam. They keep the money. If you sell stuff for money you end up with lower than it's worth too. It'd be better to give it away as is... And less stressful. If you have a house give it to someone here about to ctb to avoid being homeless? Or let him live with you to care for you, so neither have to die? Invite people who want to ctb by loneliness? My mom live in a big empty house and ignore her kids. She could build a community with all the empty rooms.

Can you use the car to ctb with CO?

You could give everything as is to charity probably, or do a lottery... Let the living sort shit out. That's the whole point of ctb?

Take a nice rest, alive maybe?

Thank you FuneralCry for your compassionate words. I'm a bit better today, but still really tired. And I'm coming to the realization that I'm not going to get to most of the things I need done. It's just another failure in a long list of failures. I think I'm OK if I don't get to everything. I'll just do what I can. if I decide to go earlier than planned, that's OK too.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Not having the energy to deal with a mountain of administration crap isn't a failure. It's just not wasting energy. Rest. My only concern is to not shit & decompose all over the floor. After the way society treated me, it's generous. Let the vultures figure it out later.

Not wasting energy on shit is a victory.

I hope you read this and can respond soon: I've run out of energy and options, and just want to have a kindred spirit with whom to connect.

I hope with all my heart that you'll catch a tent or a movie together.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yeah if you're planning on ending things and you don't have the energy to put your house in order, don't bother… I can relate… I don't even have the energy to pay my bills are due little more than sleep all day… Doesn't seem to be any point…

 

[Pinkliquid12]

Why should I? I just came to the realization that I don't care. I really just fucking don't care.

This is a totally fair realization. I really don't think you should feel bad about this. You're disappointing no one and I think it's phenomenal that you've gotten this far. It makes sense that you've lost momentum considering your circumstances. Nobody wants to do this shit alone.
Also! I hope you find humor in this

 

[Forever Sleep]

Could you look into house clearance services for after you've passed? That's what I want to do- regardless of whether I go ctb, or a natural death. Don't want a relative to have to go through all my junk and realistically, I'm too lazy to do it myself before I go. Not sure it's something you can pre-pay but I'm hoping it's possible to leave instructions with a solicitor to initiate the service and take the money from your estate to pay for it.

 

[Iamchickenhat]

Could you look into house clearance services for after you've passed? That's what I want to do- regardless of whether I go ctb, or a natural death. Don't want a relative to have to go through all my junk and realistically, I'm too lazy to do it myself before I go. Not sure it's something you can pre-pay but I'm hoping it's possible to leave instructions with a solicitor to initiate the service and take the money from your estate to pay for it.

That's an awesome idea. Now that I got this young dog, I will prolly have to outlive my mother. There will be no one left to give a damn abt me. Several will be very glad I'm gone. Absolutely no one would claim me. I will lay there until my stench or my dog's cries would stop anyone. I can set up auto pay on all my bills to continue until I'm found. I don't talk to anyone other than my mother. I only go outside to walk said dog and get the mail once a week and do a load of laundry every 2 weeks. Oh. I donate plasma, but there's no traffic at my complex. No one sees me come or go. This could be great. Having someone come along and clean it all out when I'm found. My apartment maintenance man shouldn't have to. Thanks for the great idea

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Could you look into house clearance services for after you've passed? That's what I want to do- regardless of whether I go ctb, or a natural death. Don't want a relative to have to go through all my junk and realistically, I'm too lazy to do it myself before I go. Not sure it's something you can pre-pay but I'm hoping it's possible to leave instructions with a solicitor to initiate the service and take the money from your estate to pay for it.

It's soooooo much more than the cleaning. I have too much stuff. Actually, I am working on getting rid of things, for as long as I can keep going anyway. When I go, the court will appoint a professional Executor for my estate, who will more than likely need to set-up either an auction, or just hire someone to come in and start throwing things away. It's going to be that way regradless of what I do now. I'm just trying to get rid of some of the bigger things, like cars, and motorcycles, maybe some stereo equipment, maybe some furniture. I'll do what I can do until I feel like I don't want to do any more. I've already decided that I'm just not going to care. Someone else will do whatever needs done. My house isn't really that bad. I just have too much stuff accumulated. And I'm NOT a hoarder. It just happened. I'll clean some before I go. But, that's different than getting rid of things.