Venting rationalization of ctb

[Bobert_Beniro]

Has anyone thought about rationalizing their death without emotion?
Here are my little thoughts on it:
1) In any case, it will be death. I used to be afraid of death, thinking about my individuality and finiteness in this world, but then I realized that death is just an unending dream. Sometimes I'm even glad that all this will end, my pain from existence is not endless
2) There is no point in tomorrow. I really appreciate the sleep time, as I can disconnect from reality and forget about the pain, both physical and emotional. I do not plan to start a family and nothing keeps me in this world, even my parents whom I hate for this life
3) It will only get worse. Every year I notice how my life is getting worse and worse. The human body is not eternal, by the age of 23 I already have 2 chronic diseases. Over the past 2 years, I have not felt well enough to sleep, my vision has deteriorated and I have tremors due to stress that makes it difficult to perform basic functions.
4) I was just unlucky to be born unhappy. We all die sooner or later, the only difference is how rich and interesting life we can live. Therefore, I see no reason to endure any longer, go to a low-paying job just to keep my body in working order.

 

[SilentSadness]

For me, I just know that I don't enjoy living, and that this cruel world tortures people at random. There is no limit to how bad life can get and the horrifying circumstances some people have revealed on here is proof of that. The more one ages, the more their body deteriorates and I have no interest in having even less freedom and more pain than I do now. I also think that suicide methods are getting harder and harder and soon I'm sure there will be no peaceful method at all.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I believe that it's always the most logical thing to wish to cease existing and this is just having awareness of the reality of existing here. The way that I see it, it's completely irrational to wish to exist in this world as existence is nothing more than an unnecessary harm, a tragic consequence of evolution that tortures existing beings so unnecessarily just for them to eventually die.

Suicide is just taking control over our inevitable fate and is preventing all future suffering where all that is inevitable for us is decay and loss. Life is completely futile to me and I could never see a benefit to being trapped in this world where chance so cruelly determines everything, just to risk experiencing even worse torment at any moment. Everything will be forgotten about someday anyway, so I see no point to suffering for the sake of it, existing truly is so useless but even worse than that it's something so harmful.

 

[Unending]

I definitely had to analyze if it was rational for me to make that choice before I went from fantasizing about in a vague sense to seriously considering it. If there was ever a reason to suggest that it was irrational, I'd take the choice off the table, but unfortunately, I think I'm well past the "could have tried more options" stage of treatment.

At this point in time, I'm not as consistently tormented, which is great and I'll milk it for everything it's worth, but I really do fear for when it will come back as it always does, given that these flare ups of mental illness completely consume me and last far longer than I'd like regardless of any intervention/attempts to catch it early.

I've been through the cycle enough times to not even pretend I won't be practically begging for death again in the near future. Anyway, all that's really stopping me is guilt and one hobby that I find a lot of personal meaning in, albeit it's not worth much when the pain sucks all value out of just about any experience.