My will to end it is much broader than the lack of job opportunities in my social context. The latter is only part of my experience, which is connected to various abuses I received in my family from my mother and aunt, which led me to relate to sex in the wrong way.
When I was a child, I remember very well the trauma of my mother, sometimes my aunt, touching my private parts in the bedroom, swiping their fingers between my buttocks as if they were credit cards.
I remember that I could not resist, they kept masturbating me and I carried this trauma into adolescence.
Right in my teens I gave my signs of sexual deviance, harassing both boys and girls my age, touching them everywhere, I loved having power over them. I loved stalking, I loved verbally harassing even via chat (in the days of MSN, before Facebook) and having full control like my mother and aunt had over me. In adulthood I don't know what changed, but I started to hate my family and realised that my behaviour was wrong, that my approach to sex was wrong.
I have never had a girlfriend, I only see girls as sexual objects and I fantasize that they have full power over me as my mother and aunt did.
My way of relating to people has always been wrong, I have never known how to relate to others, my own sex or the opposite sex. I never had friends, only acquaintances who were my brother's friends and I pretended that I had mutual friends even though it was not true.
The human being is a social animal, he cannot not know how to relate, not even from behind a screen. My father in all this is an unemployed schemer who believes in the existence of aliens and the flat earth, if he even says a word in my defence, my mother kicks him out of the house and makes him go live in the atrada. The problem? My father has never tried to stand up for me, quite the contrary. I know he would kick him out because for much more futile reasons, they had a fight and he received these kinds of threats.
Yet the family is supposed to be a nest where one feels protected, when it is not, what should one do?
When I was a child, I remember very well the trauma of my mother, sometimes my aunt, touching my private parts in the bedroom, swiping their fingers between my buttocks as if they were credit cards.
I remember that I could not resist, they kept masturbating me and I carried this trauma into adolescence.
Right in my teens I gave my signs of sexual deviance, harassing both boys and girls my age, touching them everywhere, I loved having power over them. I loved stalking, I loved verbally harassing even via chat (in the days of MSN, before Facebook) and having full control like my mother and aunt had over me. In adulthood I don't know what changed, but I started to hate my family and realised that my behaviour was wrong, that my approach to sex was wrong.
I have never had a girlfriend, I only see girls as sexual objects and I fantasize that they have full power over me as my mother and aunt did.
My way of relating to people has always been wrong, I have never known how to relate to others, my own sex or the opposite sex. I never had friends, only acquaintances who were my brother's friends and I pretended that I had mutual friends even though it was not true.
The human being is a social animal, he cannot not know how to relate, not even from behind a screen. My father in all this is an unemployed schemer who believes in the existence of aliens and the flat earth, if he even says a word in my defence, my mother kicks him out of the house and makes him go live in the atrada. The problem? My father has never tried to stand up for me, quite the contrary. I know he would kick him out because for much more futile reasons, they had a fight and he received these kinds of threats.
Yet the family is supposed to be a nest where one feels protected, when it is not, what should one do?
