Venting /rant (last act of love)

[LadySin]

I was reading in a thread earlier in which one of you guys mentioned a good idea for hanging yourself and making it appear accidental. It involved making it look like a fetish thing.

I want to partially hang myself so badly at work Monday. I know I can do this, I can at least succeed in this.

But I can't stop thinking about what my family is going to do without me. I hold everything together. Please don't judge me but I have 3 children all under 10. One of my babies has autism. I know they will get all the love and emotional support that need once I'm gone. Their lives will move on. But financially they will suffer even more than are suffering for now.

I'm so ready to end my shit show, I don't want to fake it through life anymore. It's tearing me apart. The only thing stopping me from doing this right now is I don't want my Babies to see my body, cannabis does a damn good job of giving me false hope and relief, and this crazy idea I have.

what if I can live through this torture for a few more years, buy a damn good insurance policy now, and set up a fake secret life in which I have a huge asphyxiation fantasy, that way when I ctb my family will get this last gift from me? I'd imagine any insurance will investigate my death so I would need for this to be over a few years period of time to make it look real, make it look like I never wanted to die.

But the thought of living a few more days let alone years is unfathomable

 

[creatureoflight]

I was reading in a thread earlier in which one of you guys mentioned a good idea for hanging yourself and making it appear accidental. It involved making it look like a fetish thing.

I want to partially hang myself so badly at work Monday. I know I can do this, I can at least succeed in this.

But I can't stop thinking about what my family is going to do without me. I hold everything together. Please don't judge me but I have 3 children all under 10. One of my babies has autism. I know they will get all the love and emotional support that need once I'm gone. Their lives will move on. But financially they will suffer even more than are suffering for now.

I'm so ready to end my shit show, I don't want to fake it through life anymore. It's tearing me apart. The only thing stopping me from doing this right now is I don't want my Babies to see my body, cannabis does a damn good job of giving me false hope and relief, and this crazy idea I have.

what if I can live through this torture for a few more years, buy a damn good insurance policy now, and set up a fake secret life in which I have a huge asphyxiation fantasy, that way when I ctb my family will get this last gift from me? I'd imagine any insurance will investigate my death so I would need for this to be over a few years period of time to make it look real, make it look like I never wanted to die.

But the thought of living a few more days let alone years is unfathomable

If there is somehow a chance of not doing this, please don't do it. What is going to happen to your kids? Who is going to take care of them?

 

[LadySin]

If there is somehow a chance of not doing this, please don't do it. What is going to happen to your kids? Who is going to take care of them?

My kids are lucky enough to have two mothers and a loving grandmother. They will be fine.

 

[creatureoflight]

My kids are looking enough to have two mothers and a loving grandmother. They will be fine.

But you will still leave a big hole in their lives, they will grow up not knowing who you where and they will ask themselves their whole lives why.
But it's your decision, of course. I struggle with the same kind of thing but not with kids, but with elderly parents.

 

[Tiburcio]

A mother loss is not something forgettable.

 

[LadySin]

But you will still leave a big hole in their lives, they will grow up not knowing who you where and they will ask themselves their whole lives why.
But it's your decision, of course. I struggle with the same kind of thing but not with kids, but with elderly parents.

I'm trying to say in the nicest way possible that I don't want to hear that. It not helping because I'm not looking for help. If anything it hurts. There is nothing that you, a stranger can say that would make changing my mind. Stop. Don't. How do you dare assume I've not already thought about all that? Stop, now. I didn't think this was the place for this.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

My heart goes out to you, though I know that isn't saying anything. I'm just sorry you're suffering like this.

 

[hopeis5427]

I was reading in a thread earlier in which one of you guys mentioned a good idea for hanging yourself and making it appear accidental. It involved making it look like a fetish thing.

that was on my thread 'accidental' methods ,death by that will be viewed just as worse as having a known suicide.What would you rather your children knowing that their mother died having something shoved inside of her and because of a kink or because of a suicide?

 

[LadySin]

My heart goes out to you, though I know that isn't saying anything. I'm just sorry you're suffering like this.

I guess I can at least accept such a statement from a fellow Dragon.

 

[Tiburcio]

Hey, is there way we can make you feel better?

 

[bbq1]

Mistake saying you have kids. Did you see all the negative flak that Lara got?
Maybe log out, make a new account and come back and start again as a new member not mentioning kids.
Your choice though.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I guess I can at least accept such a statement from a fellow Dragon.

Thank you, I very much appreciate that Lady Dragon *bows*

 

[LadySin]

Mistake saying you have kids. Did you see all the negative flak that Lara got?
Maybe log out, make a new account and come back and start again as a new member not mentioning kids.
Your choice though.

Trust and believe I plan on logging out as soon as possible.

 

[bbq1]

Trust and believe I plan on logging out as soon as possible.

It's not your fault but mentioning having kids or saying you're 14 just brings a ton of judgement from people who consider it their right to judge.

 

[Tiburcio]

It's not your fault but mentioning having kids or saying you're 14 just brings a ton of judgement from people who consider it their right to judge.

I agree with the 14 year example but:

What if some of us is an orphan who knows how fucked is everything with no mother... we are no ones to judge yet right?

Take some responsibility, we are not kids yet... Our acts have consequences, no matter of how do you see it.

 

[LadySin]

I agree with the 14 year example but:

What if some of us is an orphan who knows how fucked is everything with no mother... we are no ones to judge yet right?

Take some responsibility, we are not kids yet... Our acts have consequences, no matter of how do you see it.

My kids will always have a mother. So sorry if you didn't.

 

[creatureoflight]

I'm trying to say in the nicest way possible that I don't want to hear that. It not helping because I'm not looking for help. If anything it hurts. There is nothing that you, a stranger can say that would make changing my mind. Stop. Don't. How do you dare assume I've not already thought about all that? Stop, now. I didn't think this was the place for this.

I'm not judging you, I'm just saying that this is a huge step that will significantly impact their lives. I'm not assuming anything as I obviously don't know anything about your specific situation, just saying what I think. As I wrote before: it's your decision. Most of us on this forum don't have kids and someone with kids is a completely different situation to someone without. I agree with Tiburcio. I struggle with the same thing a bit because I have parents and a BF I don't want to leave.

 

[LadySin]

Therein lies a problem. When humans became parent suddenly that's all they are, They have out everything they are behind them because first and foremost they are parents and nothing more!

Suddenly the same people who have mental illnesses, that knows what's it like to be shunned and told unhelpful things to like to suck it up you DO have something to live for, will do the exact same things to a fellow human going through the same things.

Mental illness does not magically get any easier to cure or deal with just because you're a parent.

 

[creatureoflight]

Sure, actually mental illness gets harder when you are a parent because of all the extra stress and lack of sleep etc. It's a really bad situation to be in for sure.
I never told you to 'suck it up' or 'that you have something to live for'-I just wanted to point out that your kids are going to be affected. That was it. I also said it's up to you. This is my last post here because this kind of discussion back and forth is actually not allowed, so that's it from me.

 

[LadySin]

that was on my thread 'accidental' methods ,death by that will be viewed just as worse as having a known suicide.What would you rather your children knowing that their mother died having something shoved inside of her and because of a kink or because of a suicide?

My family is quite unique. I was thankfully not raised by a sexually repressed religious zealot. There would never be any embarrassment and I'm sure family would keep the "worst" of it from them. So yes, I would much prefer they think I died that way. At least for a time. I'd be leaving my mother a note. She would know the truth and keep it until...whenever its safe to tell.

 

[hopeis5427]

My family is quite unique. I was thankfully not raised by a sexually repressed religious zealot. There would never be any embarrassment and I'm sure family would keep the "worst" of it from them. So yes, I would much prefer they think I died that way. At least for a time. I'd be leaving my mother a note. She would know the truth and keep it until...whenever its safe to tell.

well if you think that there will be no disgust at your "accidental" death and your children will be at safe hands then who am i to judge,best regards.

 

[Hanger]

Wish you good luck. Sometimes it´s better to leave, than suffer a whole life and make others (familiy, childen) suffer with you.