Venting Rant feel free to ignore tw sh

[flitterfloosh]

I'm just sitting in my room and all I can think abt is cutting. I feel alone why is it that everyone who was supposed to "love and care" abt me is never here when I need them. My mom left me for her stupid boyfriend on the month dads death. Why do I even keep giving her second chances? I constantly put myself in situations where I know better but I don't do better. My best friend just came over to tell me she's leaving for some boarding school that her moms sending her too. Should I be upset abt that? Am I even allowed to be upset abt that? I have no one, not a single person. I keep trying to remind myself that this is what I wanted for when I'm gone so that no one will get hurt. But what if they deserve to be hurt? After all the stupid horrible things they've done why do I still care abt them? It SUCKS I'm stuck with this stupid mindset that stupidly forgives yet I can't stop it. I keep getting attached then being hurt when they do the same thing they always do. All I want to do is just end it. But I can't because "oh be the one who never gives up" or "your the strongest of the family because you've always been our rock to care for us" I'm so sick of it it's so annoying and stupid. I'm tired of being a rock that's kicked around yet always available to be picked back up. The sad part is I'll probably forgive my mom for ditching. All I want is peace yet I can't even have that. I'm cursed to this eternity of forgiving people and going numb over meaningless promises and useless words.

 

[Enlighten]

I'm just sitting in my room and all I can think abt is cutting. I feel alone why is it that everyone who was supposed to "love and care" abt me is never here when I need them. My mom left me for her stupid boyfriend on the month dads death. Why do I even keep giving her second chances? I constantly put myself in situations where I know better but I don't do better. My best friend just came over to tell me she's leaving for some boarding school that her moms sending her too. Should I be upset abt that? Am I even allowed to be upset abt that? I have no one, not a single person. I keep trying to remind myself that this is what I wanted for when I'm gone so that no one will get hurt. But what if they deserve to be hurt? After all the stupid horrible things they've done why do I still care abt them? It SUCKS I'm stuck with this stupid mindset that stupidly forgives yet I can't stop it. I keep getting attached then being hurt when they do the same thing they always do. All I want to do is just end it. But I can't because "oh be the one who never gives up" or "your the strongest of the family because you've always been our rock to care for us" I'm so sick of it it's so annoying and stupid. I'm tired of being a rock that's kicked around yet always available to be picked back up. The sad part is I'll probably forgive my mom for ditching. All I want is peace yet I can't even have that. I'm cursed to this eternity of forgiving people and going numb over meaningless promises and useless words.

I'm sorry for your dads passing and your moms behaviour. It looks like you've truly been trough a lot and it does look like you're a really strong person.
But nobody should have to go through that alone. I care for you and i love. Truly. I would love to be your friend and i will NOT leave you.
If you want to talk, i'd love to talk to you . I see you're new, so either place a couple more comments or add me on discord: gigag33rt.
I'm glad you are reaching out here!

 

[flitterfloosh]

I'm sorry for your dads passing and your moms behaviour. It looks like you've truly been trough a lot and it does look like you're a really strong person.
But nobody should have to go through that alone. I care for you and i love. Truly. I would love to be your friend and i will NOT leave you.
If you want to talk, i'd love to talk to you . I see you're new, so either place a couple more comments or add me on discord: gigag33rt.
I'm glad you are reaching out here!

Tysm! It means a lot really

 

[Terranova]

I understand, my father had been abusive my entire life, i do not forgive him but i cannot hate him, so it is essentially as if i'd forgiven him, i seem to be incapable of being truly selfish because something in me screams not to, even when i want to be an asshole and i have had very easy opportunities and i think the person deserves it, i cant, and it always sounds like i'm just sucking myself off saying it but it is tiring to know this is who i am, and its a curse because I cannot do what they seem to so easily pull off, to be selfish, its a reason i believe i am not fit to live, but i also think its something that makes me, me, it is horrible but i feel it keeps me human, or to just not be something that has and actively hurts me at the very least

 

[flitterfloosh]

I understand, my father had been abusive my entire life, i do not forgive him but i cannot hate him, so it is essentially as if i'd forgiven him, i seem to be incapable of being truly selfish because something in me screams not to, even when i want to be an asshole and i have had very easy opportunities and i think the person deserves it, i cant, and it always sounds like i'm just sucking myself off saying it but it is tiring to know this is who i am, and its a curse because I cannot do what they seem to so easily pull off, to be selfish, its a reason i believe i am not fit to live, but i also think its something that makes me, me, it is horrible but i feel it keeps me human, or to just not be something that has and actively hurts me at the very least

In a weird way I think theres a beauty in it, it separates us from the bad parts of humanity