Venting Rant about socialization (mostly)

[h0ll0w]

I'm so tired of everything. I feel like there are people who care about me but I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired of living for everyone else. I try so hard to go out and talk to them, do sth fun or forget about my issues but I never seem to succeed. I feel like at one moment I am relatively normal and the other one I'm spiraling, thinking that I want to be alone and how it was a mistake of me to get out and talk to anyone. I imagine my veins cut, my throat sliced and I even feel a slight pain/annoyance there. Every conversation continues without me participating and I dissociate or can't stop thinking about my plans on how I wanna ctb. "I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me" but I'm so close to getting my degree and I don't see a future where I'll be able to do what I want with my life or being able to do anything that brings me joy even in the slightest. Every day that passes I feel like I'm fighting a pointless battle I'm meant to lose. I'm not particularly good at anything and seem to be stuck on a mediocrity at whatever I do and it's so frustrating. Sometimes I think if that even matters because even if I had a talent or something I'm great at I don't think it would be a reason enough for me to be happy and feel like a belong. Sometimes I feel like I want to try therapy and medication again but I don't want to go through all this pain I went through last time I did it and end up with even more trauma. I'm also afraid of going in a mental hospital if I really share with a psychiatrist what's on my mind and I really don't want to because it feels pointless and from what I've heard, it hasn't helped anyone that I've talked to and has been there. I want to try a bit longer before I completely give up because I want my attempt to be a successful one, I can't fail again and see the pain I caused to the people around me.

I'm just so tired and wish I hadn't left my house today and didn't have to leave it again tomorrow for a stupid job or an outing that is not gonna help me and I'll have to pretend everything is fine again and again. I don't see the point to talk to anyone about all this. I have tried in the past but it just seem to scare the people around me, made others feel like they're useless because they couldn't do anything to help me and even pushed people away because they "couldn't handle me" or "I was a buzzkill". Can't blame them thought, I get it, this is too much and I have learnt to keep these feelings and thoughts to myself but I can't do this anymore.

I'm relatively new here (been only watching threads without an account for some time) and I feel like I have found a place I can talk openly about how I feel and what I think without being judged or afraid of everyone's reaction. I'm not much of a poster online in general but I feel like posting something here instead of going another day having to be burdened by my life on my own might be a bit better.

Thanks to anyone that might read my pointless rant...

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

With most people put on this fake identity to satisfy another person but your just bring yourself and not everyone will like that you are being yourself. As for your flaws I'm the black sheep in my family I'm the one that makes the most mistakes. What I learned is everyone will judge you whether you like it or not it's best to not live up to anyones expectations. Go at your own pace. I dissociate alot especially in large crowds. Find ways that boost your interest in things even if people disagree with it. Try looking up YouTube videos on self love and focusing on how to overcome negative thoughts. Remember all those negative thoughts are really just made up in your head and not even true. Trying to please everyone will only make you drained.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's certainly understandable feeling so tired of suffering here. But anyway best wishes.