Help Rant about being obessed over getting hurt / being a victim

[jeevasO-o]

I often have this huge urge to be in a hospital. If I could, I would attempt just to be in a hospital and get attention. I just can't do that obviously, as I could actually die or worse, get disabled physically, and obviously brain damage. I don't want that. I wanna be ill and bad, but not actually suffer too badly.
It's all I think often. I see an ambulance and wish to be hurt. I wish I could pass out there and get attention from them. I wish I could jump Infront a car and just end with them. I often even just stare down the rails on a train station, hoping anyone would somehow give me attention or something. I can't do it though, as I don't wanna die yet at the moment.

I know it doesn't makes any sense and might be very selfish, but I genuinely don't know the reason. Maybe I'm just an attention seeker, maybe I'm just crying out for help, maybe I'm just fucked up. It makes me think I'm machositic... but then I doubt it because I usually don't enjoy most pain (I do some, it depends) and wanna die when I have too much pain. (I like: cutting, hitting, sore muscles pain ig)

Also it's not like I'm someone who is often the center of attention. I have anxiety too. I hate being the center of attention often, but I also love it. I'd either enjoy it a lot or get panic attacks...or both:D (I'd still mostly avoid it though I guess.. or depends! I do like victimizing myself)

Talking about that now, I do often love being a victim. I just now came to realize how obessed I am with being a victim. I suppose I have a victim complex. I'm saying this and I am aware, but I'm still fully believing I'm a victim, but at the same time I think "ok I'm just narcissistic lowkey??". I'm not even sure anymore, if I just seek attention or I have a huge obsession over being a victim..., maybe both? Do I have narcissism? Although I don't really act like someone who's narcissist. I often thought about that but I don't really fit comeplety to being narcissist. I think I'm also more quiet.., I'm also aware that I have BPD.

Spoiler: TW: NSFW! mention of SA & RAPE

I even let myself get raped to be a victim again and be able to tell for sure "oh yeah I'm a rape / SA victim" (I am before and was before too but I don't remember it so I'm often unsure but I know my parents sexualized me for no reason. I'm also hypersexual WHICH is also a reason for it happening I guess because I'm fucking stupid not thinking straight when horny) I didn't even tell everyone or something, but I did tell some I think. I acted nonchalant though, and I don't even feel bad about it. Neither do I remember it a lot, but I know it happened lol.

If anyone has some advice please tell me:P

 

[peacefulnights]

I used to feel that way. It usually stems from people who were neglected as a child or wanted to be loved. It is a normal human response to want attention and care as much as it is to give it. Hospital is the one place in modern society where it is always given fairly unconditionally given you have an ailment or injury.

 

[jeevasO-o]

I used to feel that way. It usually stems from people who were neglected as a child or wanted to be loved. It is a normal human response to want attention and care as much as it is to give it. Hospital is the one place in modern society where it is always given fairly unconditionally given you have an ailment or injury.

I guess that does make sense

 

[Alpacachino]

Seems like Munchausen syndrome.

 

[jeevasO-o]

Seems like Munchausen syndrome.

I thought about that myself but I'm unsure because I don't really fake being sick often. I even feel awkward being sick but I think that's just with my parents. I don't know a lot about Munchausen syndrome though