Random "recovery" venting

[softfuzzyman]

A couple weeks ago i opened up to family about how ive been feeling and that ivd been planning to kill myself

Fast forward to now and im really regretting that. I wish i just hadnt said anything and had just kept it a secret and gone through with my plan to CTB. now im stuck trying to recover... and it's such a nightmare. Im extremely extremely poor, have no insurance so trying to get treatment is a nightmare, and at 24 cant even get hired at a goddamn grocery store. I cant afford any kind of schooling or training or courses or whatever, and that kind of stuff takes away from availability to work to survive. Not that i can survive on minimum wage anyway. The only reason im not homeless is that im mooching off some family friends to stay with them but i feel horrible about it constantly. Honestly my plan is to just keep quiet until people forget and shit goes back to normal and just plan to CTB again. I dont know. I cant ctb now and im just exhausted and stuck and terrified and feel useless and hopeless

 

[(`-.-`)<==;;=]]

Fast forward to now and im really regretting that. I wish i just hadnt said anything and had just kept it a secret and gone through with my plan to CTB

Things can get pretty weird with most people when they know about this. The pressure for getting better when they know and they try to do something, or the damage that their indiference/fear can cause you.

Either way, when you end up telling people who actually shouldnt know about your decision to ctb, sometimes (maybe not ur case, i dont know your history) might mean you are not really sure about ctb, and it might not be your only option.

Im extremely extremely poor, have no insurance so trying to get treatment is a nightmare

Each time i've reached for treatment, and i wasnt good financially, it ended up badly. Either im unable to really follow up and center myself on recovery or even if i am, any bump can make me drop it. Life demands WAY MORE when you have less resources,, things get desperate pretty quickly and any bump can leave you broke.

It would be nice if u had public free mental care, but if you dont, my advice (take with care xD) is dont look for it if you cannot afford it, until you can. In my opinion things are just that shitty, but is worse if you start on meds and then u cant pay for them. I've gone through that, and a sudden withdrawal of anti-depressants, depending on the type, can leave a permanent mark on you, in shitty ways, spare yourselve that.

I cant afford any kind of schooling or training or courses or whatever, and that kind of stuff takes away from availability to work to survive. Not that i can survive on minimum wage anyway.

Have you considerer looking for temporal jobs in other countries ?. Dont know if it might be an option for you, but i did this. I needed to get out of where i lived cause my gf cheated on me while she was off country, i dropped the relationship and i couldnt live there in peace, i was constantly getting reminded of everthing. I ended up leaving the place, and going to Netherlands. Work was HARD (physically, i weighed 47kg (that went up quickly with the exercise) when i got there, im 1,80 tall male), and far from ideal, but yet they pay decent wages. Is a hard situation but it kept me going cause i could save money for studying back in my country and still spend some on myself.


Any way, not trying to fix you, just throwing ideas, cause u sound pretty depressed, and it seems to me that you are young. Yours is a fucked up generation when it comes to feeling self-worth. The guilt society throws at you for not having a job, is hard to bear when jobs are actually not there in the first place. That mixes with actually needing to have something to do to go on, cause thats life. If you dont have nothing where you are, maybe search for options for leaving far away!

Hope it gets better, anyway, love from here!