I'm curious as to why you would advise the OP to re-engage with someone whose character you are skeptical about, or saying you don't know what else she can do, when she can ignore him and maintain no contact. He didn't give her anything more than a ride, and he offered without being asked, so no reciprocity is required. You may recall she accepted the offer precisely because she knew it might be dangerous. She was seeking quick death, not long-term creepiness and predation.
I'm not trying to make you defensive. I just don't see the logic, but rather giving more precedence and value to the potentially scary person rather than the potential victim.
Allow me to give an irl example that explains my confusion about this.
One night when I was in my mid-thirties, I was with friends at a bar/restaurant. It was around 10 pm on a weeknight, in a downtown area where things were quiet. I went outside alone for a smoke. There was no one else around. I sat on the patio out front, and the seating was long benches at long tables. Not thinking, I sat at the end of a bench with the restaurant wall behind me, the table in front of me. A creepy drunk man quietly came up to me, leaned down, put his arm around me, and asked how I was doing. The only exit was waaaay down the bench. I spoke from deep in my chest and said, "DON'T. TOUCH. ME. I DONT. KNOW. YOU." He backed off a few feet. He said, "I'm sorry, I just wanted to know how you're doing." I maintained my rigid posture. I said, "I'm fine. I. Don't. Know. You." He said, "All right" and walked off. I went back inside, shaken.
The next day, I told my mom the story. She instantly took pity on the man. She said, "Aww, maybe he was just being nice."
I am still flabbergasted by this, much as I am by your response to the OP.
Women in Western culture are taught to lower their defenses to give the benefit of the doubt first and ignore our guts and red flags. The serial killer Ted Bundy said his MO relied on women doing exactly that.
No one here called you a predator, nor all men. In the following, I share with you some respectful, sincere and heartfelt observations and advice to alleviate your sense of depression and feeling of exclusion.
You said you are skeptical of the man who gave the OP a ride, folks have advised self-protection in response to the red flags raised by his behavior, and yet you're personally taking on being called a predator by such reasonable recommendations. If you are truly not "like that," if you truly care about women and want the best for us, then care about our boundaries. Cheer us on when we protect ourselves and when we foil a predator. Tell us to always listen to our guts. Teach us what predatory behaviors to look out for and how to effectively respond, such as no contact. Tell us what power we have when someone is on the prowl. Tell us to ignore the text message. Tell us that an emotionally healthy person can handle not being responded to after offering one ride because he knows he is owed *nothing* by her for having done so, the reward is in having authentic generosity accepted and appreciated -- a thank you upon leaving sufficed. Give her props for asking for advice when her gut says she is uncomfortable and feels unsafe. If you know you're not "like that," then be like *this,* because these are the kinds of men women need in their lives. If you are consistently like this, you will earn our subsequent respect and trust, which will do much to lift your spirits and sense of self-worth, and bust that helpless-feeling depression.
You gave a thoughtful reply so don't worry, I'm not offended or defensive about what you said.
My opinion is that she can just text the guy and tell him that she isn't interested and that she has a boyfriend and to thank him for the ride. I think doing this is just a matter of being polite. She isn't providing him with any information he could use against her doing this, he doesn't know where she lives, and it's not like she's calling him or talking to him in person. It's just a text, I hardly consider that reengaging with the guy imo.
Furthermore if the guy reacts to the text with something negative then she can just block him. This isn't really much different than just straight up blocking him which I think is rude.
Also as a guy if I did a woman a favor (its debatable whether giving her a ride was a "favor" though) and somehow got her number but she just blocked me without me doing anything wrong to her that would make me upset and give me another reason to feel more alienated and disliked by people. It would push me further into depression and suicidal ideation. Whereas if I received a text from that woman saying she had a boyfriend and wasn't interested, but thanked me for the favor my reaction would just be "oh that's cool" and have no bad feelings about it. I'd be glad that I did a favor to a nice person.
I know not all guys react to rejection well, but whether you block him outright or give him a short text either way it's going to be perceived as a rejection either way, it's just that the former is harsh whereas the latter is polite.
I don't really have strong feelings about the drunk guy in your story. You would know better than I do because you were the one there, but the guy to me comes across as a guy who has good intentions but doesn't understand that you shouldn't put your arm around a complete stranger (especially a woman when you're a guy) who doesn't know you.
I understand your reaction and don't criticize you for it, if I theoretically did what that guy did (even though I wouldn't cause I have better sense than that) and you reacted the same way to me I wouldn't be upset about it. I'd probably think that you felt threatened and have had bad experiences with men in the past so putting my arm around you was a mistake.
However I give credit to the guy for apologizing and just walking away, that was the right thing to do.
As for your second reply
To me there's a difference between being skeptical of someone versus just outright assuming they're a bad person. If I'm skeptical of someone it means I'll be careful around them and in my actions I may act as if they're a bad person, but that I'm not going to judge and just assume that they're a predator, im not going to say that they're a predator. I'm open minded to my mind being changed about that person but to protect myself I will act as if they're a bad person. But I think calling people names, and assuming they're a predator can be very harmful to that person if they aren't a predator.
Also you misunderstood me, I know you aren't saying I'm a predator or that all guys are. It's that I'm putting myself in the shoes of a guy who is assumed to be a predator and is called a predator when he isn't. It's a very alienating experience to constantly be perceived as a threat and called all sorts of bad names when you know as a person that you aren't any of those things.
It's not so much that I personally have been called a predator because I haven't, however being an autistic person I have gone through my entire life of people assuming and labeling me in all sorts of ways that I know is incorrect. Even when I was a small kid in the single digits I remember adults constantly assuming that I was a trouble maker with bad intentions when I wasn't, and I'd be punished when I had completely innocent intentions and that attitude has continued my whole life. You grow up alienated, feeling disliked and misunderstood by everyone because to a certain extent that is actually true.
Being treated like that decade after decade, of people assuming you're bad and then when you try to defend yourself and correct them they have the attitude "see you're defensive! So everything we're accusing you must be correct" is harmful and damaging if it happens over and over again to your self esteem and mental health.
I want what is best for people, men and women, not just women. Men's feelings matter to me as well, I think men are human beings too and throwing around words like "predator" so nonchalantly when the reality is none of you actually really know that is something I'm not going to encourage or participate in. You can protect yourself just as well without calling people whom you don't know ugly names and judging them to be something so horrific.
I think what is best is having compassion and looking at things from both sides. As I've already explained above, I'm not criticizing anyone for telling her to be safe and in fact I recommend the same. I just don't understand what is wrong with sending 1 simple polite text instead of outright blocking him and if he does react negatively then go ahead and block him. As I said, you can protect yourself just as much without calling people names or just blocking them before they've even said anything bad to you and possibly alienating them.
I guess my overall point is that you can just as easily protect yourself from a person you don't know without calling them bad names. How does calling a person a bad name when you don't even know if it's true make you sny more safe? It doesn't. The guy may be a predator or the guy may not be. For all you know the guy could be depressed, alienated, and suicidal and by calling him a predator you're pushing him closer to ending his life.
They tell us in school sticks and stones....but that is BS. Words hurt and we all care about our social standing, and it's especially hurtful when you are already alienated by people for years upon years without actually having done anything wrong to anybody.
