Random Clove Cigarette Memory

[Amossoma543]

I was a kid in the 80s and my older brother was in high school. He was into the "new wave" punk sort of movement...bands like O.M.D and Pet Shop Boys and The Cure...he dressed in all black, long tails coats, pointy black boots, eye liner, spiked hair, brooches on his lapel, baggy black pants...I hated it, because he was such a snob about it. He clashed hard with the jocks in the school, and I was always the invisible kid, tried to blend, blend, blend...and he would criticize me because I was just a "nerd" to him. The point of this was that he once lit up this nasty brown cigarette outside our apartments, he was around 15...and it stank so bad. He told me it was a clove cigarette...and it's been over 35 years since, but I still loathe clove cigarettes because of that association. "It's a clove cigarette" he sneered at me, looking down with his shaded eye lids, heavy mascara, dangly cross earrings, black nails and smelly old thrift store wool sport coats that he refused to wash.

Also, today I have this urge to just take the pistol, stick it behind my ear and pull the trigger. All it would take is 3 steps to where it's sitting right now...cock it, raise it to just behind my ear...and then see what happens. It's a .32 caliber revolver police pistol.

 

[mesohappy]

I hate clove cigarettes too.Cant stand the smell or the taste..Now regular tobacco cigarettes I love,have my whole life.My closest family members smoked when I was growing up,so it was always around me and just seemed like a natural part of life.My grandmother died of COPD due to her smoking and begged me to quit before she passed so I wouldn't have to go through the same thing.I still love smoking...
Im sorry about what your going through right now..I would worry that the .32 would be too light.Ive seen and heard stories about folks surviving a .32 round to the head,including one guy who stuck one in his mouth and shot through his soft pallet and still lived to tell the tale..But .32 has put a lot of folks in the cemetary as well.Theres a reason why a policeman would carry one right?How old is the ammo?I remember you saying somewhere else that you inherited it and it was old right? Just asking because ammo tends to degrade over time.
Kinda know how your feelin' though.My 30-30 rifle is ominously leaning in the corner of my room loaded as I type(tempting)..But I like Sundays,they are comforting to me.The slow,quiet lonely feeling..I would much rather die during a manic Monday morning.My fleece slippers and baggy sweats feel so comfortable right now..Sorry I have written a rambling wall of words on your thread.I feel bored and numb,slightly dumb(peaceful?).
I wish you peace and light today.

 

[Amossoma543]

I hate clove cigarettes too.Cant stand the smell or the taste..Now regular tobacco cigarettes I love,have my whole life.My closest family members smoked when I was growing up,so it was always around me and just seemed like a natural part of life.My grandmother died of COPD due to her smoking and begged me to quit before she passed so I wouldn't have to go through the same thing.I still love smoking...
Im sorry about what your going through right now..I would worry that the .32 would be too light.Ive seen and heard stories about folks surviving a .32 round to the head,including one guy who stuck one in his mouth and shot through his soft pallet and still lived to tell the tale..But .32 has put a lot of folks in the cemetary as well.Theres a reason why a policeman would carry one right?How old is the ammo?I remember you saying somewhere else that you inherited it and it was old right? Just asking because ammo tends to degrade over time.
Kinda know how your feelin' though.My 30-30 rifle is ominously leaning in the corner of my room loaded as I type(tempting)..But I like Sundays,they are comforting to me.The slow,quiet lonely feeling..I would much rather die during a manic Monday morning.My fleece slippers and baggy sweats feel so comfortable right now..Sorry I have written a rambling wall of words on your thread.I feel bored and numb,slightly dumb(peaceful?).
I wish you peace and light today.

The ammo is fairly newish. I test-fired it just yesterday. Very powerful...more powerful a shot than I thought it would be. If I stuck it right to my chest, it might be agonizing, but I'm almost certain I'd die pretty soon after. Behind the ear...I just don't know if I can get past the fear of sticking a gun to my head.

Anyway, I also love smoking. My mother died from lung cancer just three years ago...so I'm down to very few a day. I vape instead. Smoking is one of those pleasures that's so wonderful, because it's always what you think it's going to be. Same as it was last time. I love reliable things like that. A cup of coffee and a cigarette. Hard to beat that.

Thanks for the kind words. :-)

 

[mesohappy]

Well its good you test fired it.At least you know it works.Have you ever checked out that website "Lost all hope".Theres some interesting info on there,some good stuff pertaining to firearms.Some of it is pro life though.

I tried to get into vaping and e-cigarettes as well,thinking of my health,but its just not the same to me.I don't really care much about my health these days anyway.I've smoked for 29 years,over half my life.I don't know who I am without them anymore.

Sorry about the loss of your mother.Cancer sucks ass.I lost my mom,my niece,and my uncle to it.It wont get me though.It may try..But I would beat it to the punch.

 

[Amossoma543]

Well its good you test fired it.At least you know it works.Have you ever checked out that website "Lost all hope".Theres some interesting info on there,some good stuff pertaining to firearms.Some of it is pro life though.

I tried to get into vaping and e-cigarettes as well,thinking of my health,but its just not the same to me.I don't really care much about my health these days anyway.I've smoked for 29 years,over half my life.I don't know who I am without them anymore.

Sorry about the loss your mother.Cancer sucks ass.I lost my mom,my niece,and my uncle to it.It wont get me though.It may try..But I would beat it to the punch.

Yeah, I only vape because in my job, I cannot smoke, so vaping is much better than nicotine gum or patches. It's the oral fixation thing, I guess. Thanks for the kind words. Luckily mom died before the cancer could really get to her badly...she was home on hospice, got up to go to the bathroom and her heart just gave out. She died almost instantly on the couch. Very peaceful, when compared to how bad it would've gotten.

 

[mesohappy]

Oh wow,thats crazy about your mom..The universe actually had mercy on someone for once.Hallelujah for that.

I lived with and took care of my grandma when she was fighting the COPD and we had hospice in at the end.They were a blessing.A real help and comfort for BOTH of us during a scary/difficult time.I love them.

The last job I had banned smoking as well.I guess all employers do now or at least will soon.I think that was the final straw that pushed me over the edge before I quit.They kept piling more and more stress on me,then took away my only comfort,and I snapped.Seems like this society favors marijuana over cigarettes now.I don't like weed.Messes with my anxiety and makes me paranoid.I already struggle with being introverted enough as it is.

 

[Amossoma543]

Oh wow,thats crazy about your mom..The universe actually had mercy on someone for once.Hallelujah for that.

I lived with and took care of my grandma when she was fighting the COPD and we had hospice in at the end.They were a blessing.A real help and comfort for BOTH of us during a scary/difficult time.I love them.

The last job I had banned smoking as well.I guess all employers do now or at least will soon.I think that was the final straw that pushed me over the edge before I quit.They kept piling more and more stress on me,then took away my only comfort,and I snapped.Seems like this society favors marijuana over cigarettes now.I don't like weed.Messes with my anxiety and makes me paranoid.I already struggle with being introverted enough as it is.

I've never written about this before, but even though I do think the universe gives us a break now and then...I believe that my mother took her own life. I was at work at the time. I am an elementary teacher. I kissed her goodbye that day...and the hospice and doctor had given her a big brown bottle of morphine liquid. She had enough pain meds to kill an elephant. I left for work, she was fine. She was with my stepfather. Two hours later, during first period, I got the call. I got home, she was dead on the couch, the funeral home was already there. All of her meds were gone. Disappeared. My dad told me the story I told you about the heart attack. I firmly believe that she and he agreed that she would take a large dose of morphine...and hope for the best. I'll always believe that. That's why they got rid of all meds as soon as she died. Her nurse came immediately and removed all meds.

And if that's what she did...hurray for her. :-)

 

[mesohappy]

Heck yeah, knowing what I know,I would have done the same..If that's what she did good on her.They gave my grandma morphine and Ativan.She took to much of each a few times as I would be at work at night and the nurses didn't start coming at night until the last week of her life.I don't think she was intentionally trying to overdose though,I think she was just so tiny and her tolerance to drugs/intoxicants so low that she would forget how much she took and when she took it.That and the low oxygen/struggling to breathe affecting her thinking anyway.Right after she passed the nurses came to get her meds as well.She had two bottles of Ativan,a new one and a low partial.I kept the full bottle for myself,and gave them the partial.

 

[Amossoma543]

Heck yeah, knowing what I know,I would have done the same..If that's what she did good on her.They gave my grandma morphine and Ativan.She took to much of each a few times as I would be at work at night and the nurses didn't start coming at night until the last week of her life.I don't think she was intentionally trying to overdose though,I think she was just so tiny and her tolerance to drugs/intoxicants so low that she would forget how much she took and when she took it.That and the low oxygen/struggling to breathe affecting her thinking anyway.Right after she passed the nurses came to get her meds as well.She had two bottles of Ativan,a new one and a low partial.I kept the full bottle for myself,and gave them the partial.

I always wished I was home when she passed. I would have snagged that bottle of morphine and poured it in a new container and then gave the empty bottle to the nurse. That was liquid morphine! Wow. Haha!