Rambling on

[Johnnythefox]

Thirteen months since I joined here, went through that period of being addicted and spending most of my time on here.
I certainly learned a lot about CTB, what's risky and what's not, more or less. I still have a tank of helium in the wardrobe, learnt it's probably not pure enough and there's more to it than just having the tank.
Had my SN and meto for a year now, at the time I could see that there would be an increased difficulty in obtaining it as quite a few people had already used it with success.
Started on my meto regime almost four weeks ago, cleaned out any devices and threw a lot of stuff out, as well as packing up stuff. I'd informed someone on here of my intention in case anyone should ever inquire about me.
Thought I'd leave the formatting of my PC till last, late at night, fired it up and couldn't remember how to do it! Win 7, but does what I want it to do. Forgot it's not like Windows 95,98 or XP, so wasn't going to wait over an hour or more to reinstall Windows etc.
So I decided to stick around for Xmas, young brother called me and invited me to his for Xmas day, also said he had the money he owes me from about ten months ago. I told him I'd think about it, he said he'd call me back, he never did.
Sold a load of my vinyl LP's to a dealer, something I thought I'd never do, Led Zeppelin, Bad Company, Pink Floyd, Thin Lizzy and others in that genre. He ripped me off and I knew it, but I wasn't bothered.
I never hear from anyone, every day is the same, I only go out to buy food when necessary, the only time I interact with other people in real life.
I wonder if they look at me and see that I am broken, do they notice? do they care?
I think I have BPD, when I read the symptoms I could easily tick more than a few boxes.
So the savings are just about gone now, shit just got real!
Also have anhedonia, which is more than a bit of a bummer, no wonder the brother didn't call back! though I wouldn't have gone anyway after the previous years performance, I'm sure I posted about it at the time.
Shit is going to get a whole lot worse in the UK, it's certainly not going to get better. I believe we're now under the jackboot of Fascism British style.
I feel sorry for my fellow Scots who devote so much time and effort into the Independence movement, I wish I shared their enthusiasm but I'm pessimistic about the future or maybe I'm more of a realist.

Thanks for getting this far if you did.
Ciao bella

 

[Circles]

I meant to send this earlier but the site went down:

Well look at here it's the Fox! Hi my friend. I'm sorry shits getting real for you. I don't know what I can say because words won't change your situation but know you have my deepest sympathies. I've been addicted to being on here also and I still am to some extent so I understand but it's like a black hole sometimes and it's too much to come back to.

Like you I've learned a lot about methods and I'm leaning more towards SN now after considering the risks of hanging via Night-night method, It can work but I just have those little doubts and scared to fuck it up.

In regards to you starting the meto regimen, know I respect your decision regardless okay. I know how heavy it may feel for you my friend.

i sure don't know enough about PCs but I can see how complicated it may be. :/

You have my deepest sympathy about sticking around for family and them disappointing you, that much I can understand and wonder why I try with them when I always fail to compute with mine. Hugs okay.
Damn that's some good music I'm sure that wasn't easy to let go. Led Zeppelin used to be my top fav when I was a teenager along with Red Hot Chili Peppers, Metallica, etc. : )

The one thing you say I can truly relate to especially lately is that how every single day is the same and it does give such a weird sensation doing the same senseless shit in a constant routine of mundanity and pointlessness and the boredom is astounding to the point I sleep a lot more so I can't be aware of any of this.
I often wonder the same but sadly I'm sure they wonder about if anyone cares about them either and it's like there's always an unnecessary barrier between caring about strangers.
I can understand the anger of it all especially being bipolar to the point that I actually beat the shit out of my dresser I can't hold it in I feel like a pressure cooker at times.:/
I sincerely sympathize and I'm sorry you're having financial issues. I hate it and as always everything just has to be about money and it's such a sick world to live in to be considered even a human being by having some illusionary and meaningless value.

I don't know about your Anhedonia but it's becoming such a hassle for me to deal with it more each day like it sinks me further in a hole I can't get out of. And I'm relatively young but I still can't find any enjoyment in anything I try to fill the void.And if the whole point of life from our perspective is to technically to enjoy it then I fail to see why I'm even alive if I feel lifeless all the time. I can't give any advice and I know my words are completely empty but I wholeheartedly understand you.
I won't pretend to know what it's like over there but I can see how it can be worrying, politics is something that just won't benefit the common people ever universally it seems. It's completely out of our control especially for someone like me I can't care anymore about things I can't do anything about.

All in all, know that I heard you my friend. I'm sorry if my words are indeed empty but atleast you helped me keep my mind occupied in replying this to you. Hope you can have a tolerable night. Hugs.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and yes, it all sucks. I too have been apathetic in life too, where I simply stopped giving a shit about my future (getting financial independence, being able to have a place of my own (even renting an apartment), working enough to survive, etc.). I'm also battling with many ills in my life, existential, personal, circumstantial, situational, etc. As far as methods are concerned, I still have my firearm from over a year ago, albeit it is stored away somewhere else while I wait for a good time to go and retrieve said firearm. I am just waiting for the right time before going to retrieve it because I don't want to my parents to learn that I legally own one (my parents are generally anti-gun, and since they know my problems, they DON'T trust me to possess a firearm).

Anyways, I hope you are able to find peace in whether you decide to stay a bit longer or decide to CTB.