platypusfan
Member
- Jun 29, 2023
- 90
I had a lot of kind of unrelated things I wanted to talk about so I just wanted to put them all in one post. I'm going to ramble about methods and then just vent.
Firstly, does anyone have any thoughts on killing yourself with like a disease? By this I mean, for example, having strep and never treating it so eventually it gets to your brain and kills you. Or purposely exposing yourself to a virus when you know your immune system is compromised. Or swimming in a lake with a brain eating amoeba. Idk something like that.. The cons of course are that, it might not work especially if when it gets really bad you lose your ability to say you don't want treatment, another con is that it will be incredibly painful, but the pro is that it could be seen as natural causes rather than suicide. For me, personally, I have this problem where I want to die but I don't want to kill myself so getting a life threatening disease would be convenient but also extremely unlikely. This idea is kinda stupid and not realistic but I feel like with the right resources it could be possible.
I have been looking at more methods recently because everything is getting worse, which is why I thought of that. I have also thought about really random ways, like extracting cyanide out of cherries, or giving yourself iron poisoning, stuff like that. All very painful, I think. Maybe some would be less painful if you take drugs before. I struggle with this part when it should be easier because I am not social and i know nobody. I can't get alcohol (younger than 21) or most other drugs. Does anyone have any tips for this when you literally talk to no one?? Or is it impossible??
Things are getting worse by the day. I don't know why i thought they would get better. I put all this effort into getting better thinking it would work, which is stupid, it only works like that in movies. This self improvement thing has only made me feel worse about myself. I'm not sure how but it did, exercising makes me feel bad about my body, socializing is just impossible, getting sunshine just overheats me, every therapist has quit. I sound like the most pessimistic person ever right now but im not even that pessimistic, I try to find the beauty in things and I have had hope all this time. But in reality, when I try to silence my thoughts with positivity I feel like I am lying. I cannot truly feel joy or love I am lying to myself when I say I enjoy things. I also have no place on this earth, i have tried to make friends and i even joined clubs and i found people exactly like me. It doesn't matter if they're exactly like me I still can't find a connection. I can't find a connection to anyone when really this is all I desire. I think. If I somehow do find a connection I worry I will feel the same, which is likely, but so far it's the one thing I haven't been able to try. As in i tried everything else as a 'medication' so maybe connection is the missing thing, but i can't control how I feel no connection. Maybe. I don't know. I think something is wrong with me, more than just the depression. I don't feel real, i don't feel like a person, i have no connection to myself or the people around me. It's been like this for years.
Anyways, that was a bit long and really random and maybe a bit weird but I like this site because I can put random things out like this. I doubt anyone read everything but thank you if you did.
Firstly, does anyone have any thoughts on killing yourself with like a disease? By this I mean, for example, having strep and never treating it so eventually it gets to your brain and kills you. Or purposely exposing yourself to a virus when you know your immune system is compromised. Or swimming in a lake with a brain eating amoeba. Idk something like that.. The cons of course are that, it might not work especially if when it gets really bad you lose your ability to say you don't want treatment, another con is that it will be incredibly painful, but the pro is that it could be seen as natural causes rather than suicide. For me, personally, I have this problem where I want to die but I don't want to kill myself so getting a life threatening disease would be convenient but also extremely unlikely. This idea is kinda stupid and not realistic but I feel like with the right resources it could be possible.
I have been looking at more methods recently because everything is getting worse, which is why I thought of that. I have also thought about really random ways, like extracting cyanide out of cherries, or giving yourself iron poisoning, stuff like that. All very painful, I think. Maybe some would be less painful if you take drugs before. I struggle with this part when it should be easier because I am not social and i know nobody. I can't get alcohol (younger than 21) or most other drugs. Does anyone have any tips for this when you literally talk to no one?? Or is it impossible??
Things are getting worse by the day. I don't know why i thought they would get better. I put all this effort into getting better thinking it would work, which is stupid, it only works like that in movies. This self improvement thing has only made me feel worse about myself. I'm not sure how but it did, exercising makes me feel bad about my body, socializing is just impossible, getting sunshine just overheats me, every therapist has quit. I sound like the most pessimistic person ever right now but im not even that pessimistic, I try to find the beauty in things and I have had hope all this time. But in reality, when I try to silence my thoughts with positivity I feel like I am lying. I cannot truly feel joy or love I am lying to myself when I say I enjoy things. I also have no place on this earth, i have tried to make friends and i even joined clubs and i found people exactly like me. It doesn't matter if they're exactly like me I still can't find a connection. I can't find a connection to anyone when really this is all I desire. I think. If I somehow do find a connection I worry I will feel the same, which is likely, but so far it's the one thing I haven't been able to try. As in i tried everything else as a 'medication' so maybe connection is the missing thing, but i can't control how I feel no connection. Maybe. I don't know. I think something is wrong with me, more than just the depression. I don't feel real, i don't feel like a person, i have no connection to myself or the people around me. It's been like this for years.
Anyways, that was a bit long and really random and maybe a bit weird but I like this site because I can put random things out like this. I doubt anyone read everything but thank you if you did.
