Venting rambling a bit about my friends and my note

[greywings]

just some thoughts!

i wanna try to ctb tonight (made a thread awhile ago on why i kinda had to rush it) and the timeline on this has me fairly unprepared! i didn't get to clean, sort, or mail much of what i would've wanted to give to the people i care about. i rushed a suicide note last week and that first draft was horrendous too.

i'm much calmer right now and going to try to get it right some time today, because i want to at least do this the best way i can. plus i think my best friends would be pretty upset if i went without a word. even though they've gotten into situations where i feel like things should work out okay even if i'm not around, and though i know there have gotta be folks like me or better that will make it easier, even if my illness/trauma shit makes it hard to just accept those feelings towards me, i know those three love me enough to be upset if i'm gone.

as their number one supporter, i think they could meet more folks tougher than i can be. i believe truly believe that. but i still get guilty...especially since i'm pretty good on masking depression and still got a pretty sweet message last night that had me worried they caught on. or maybe they just had one of those super rushes i get sometimes when caring about someone really clicks for a moment and you gotta say it.

some other funny stuff has been going on, and sometimes, even though i'm more vaguely spiritual than religious, i feel like there's gotta be a ghost or a guardian or a demon having a little tussle and a laugh over things for me. life's always done something in the darkest moments like this one that tricks me into thinking things could work out, where i meet someone new or bump into some media that reminds me about people and hope and potential, because i can see what i feel being shared by someone else. or something makes me think i might be needed for...or more silly things like hey! all my favorite games get re-releases and remakes and expansions and oh the artbook you've been waiting for years announced the week before.....also wouldn't it be weird if the landlady who is kicking you out to make your room a guest room for her one million unannounced guests gets hospitalized the day before you die? (i sure didn't curse her but she's hella toxic even in lifestyle so it was bound to happen.)

even if it were some sorta cosmic thing going on to tempt me out of it i don't wanna get caught by that again! i'm the jester, not the joke! i'm very done with having to dance with all this despair and grow and adapt and change change change for everyone and everything else all the time. it's not that i don't want to be in a community or shared household, i do! even if i didn't i know im not the kind of person that can live alone with my brand of trauma and phobias. i want to work with people but i want to work together. i want communication! to have their backs and for them to have mine. i want to receive kindness and consideration in turn for what i try to give. it doesn't have to be equal—it's not like i'm measuring!—but even a little like just telling me someone is coming over or that they broke something shared by the household... and while a part of me would have always wanted to die on my own terms, wouldn't have been able to really escape my baggage...i did want the living i could have done to have been something sweet at the end

anyway, suicide notes! the written word has always been important to me, and i've always been a fan of diary-like formats or little poems. i love the idea of a suicide note and getting your heart out there. especially since i've always struggled conveying my feelings otherwise irl. i also really enjoyed making them for my OCs, like this one:

Spoiler: OC's Last Letter

I know I told you I was happy
That I could live with just us two
And I could, for awhile

The lie was not of my love for you
But because of it

I only stayed so long to see
The day when you could fly
And now that you are free
Let me fly
And circle

Let me turn these ashen wings
To the sun
Let it burn away
The horror and the hate

Until all that's left
Is the heart that will wait
In good company, once gone
Until you come with stories to tell

(Don't come until you've many stories to tell)

thinking about what she'd say in a situation like that was really therapeutic for me. (she doesn't have the same background i do by the way or this would be easier lol! her life was way different, fam offed/etc, and she's sending away her companion a safe distance away before she secretly kills their captors and herself.)

for mine, i thought about saying the whys and who and what i hated about living and what i regretted but i don't want bad vibes in this. i'm in a state where i don't feel like making it about me, so maybe i'll focus more on them...? good things i liked. i want them to know i did love them and that it wasn't that it wasn't enough but just that i am Very Tired. tired enough that living as i am might kill me different. idk if i could stay the same person they'd like and i'd rather be gone if not better. i have to figure out how to write that.

hoping this works out. thanks SaSu! we'll see how it goes. if i frick this night-night thing up somehow i did try real hard so no laughing. or you can laugh a little i guess. i'm sure most of us need some relief. speaking of laughinghere are two youtube videos i think are funny. second one has sound and photosensitivity warnings.

happy with beats 2 and 4 swapped
caac meme with toothless

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of existing here but anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I hope you can find peace & freedom! Good luck!

 

[greywings]

did not work so feedback for folks trying night-night:

the bag pressure was fine and allowed me to breathe while still compressing the appropriate atea. i was able to fall asleep quickly and calmly while listening to music. however, i have a muscle condition in my neck that may have made it less effective on the left side, possibly shifting where that bag needed to be a bit too much. i kept waking up though the tape held it fairly securely. i wasn't able to get a ratchet shipped in time so i didn't try that in combination with the bag and tape. overall i think this would be a more effective method for those with a spotter helping or without unusual muscle structure there. (it's centered in a spot further back so i didn't think it'd be an issue? sucks since it seemed the best thing compared to N. i thought SN sounded too complicated for me.)

not sure what I'll do from here since it'd still take 1-2 weeks to get the ratchet to try again. i planned to try knife if the main method didn't work but mannnnnn. i do be hating pain and I'm not feeling manic enough to one shot it...yet. we'll see. better luck to someone else trying it. I'll probably take a break from here for a bit cause even if folks wouldn't judge it's still making me embarrassed to have a plan mess up when i'm already low. mannnn.