Venting rain, night and memories

[αmber]

It hadn't rained for quite some time. It's dark and it's raining now. I'm feeling a deep sadness inside. I am like within a seemingly infinite fog: my brain can't work well and I am not able to picture a day much further than tomorrow.

I know I need to join inexistence soon. I know it since I was so little. Since those days I first-handed saw what the world was about. Since those days I saw my father beat up my mother to a point he nearly killed her every time. Since those days we would starve out of no money for even a slice of bread. I see diseases everywhere, both physical and mental. I see a lot of people putting effort onto doing the same routine over and over again everyday while heading towards an inevitable end in a few years.

Wars, crimes, hate and misery of all kinds exist in this world. Those, for me alone, are enough reasons not to stay here for much longer. Life is an absurd. Our insides are disgusting. We are walking gruesome-creatures wandering around the streets like robots. I feel like I can see my insides rotting away by the second. This body is a prison. Life is something really weird.

 

[~Q~]

I had to learn to tune out the world in order to not go completely insane. I only look at the weather outlook so i know what to wear. The rain can be calming if you just sit and listen. Yes the world is going completely wrong but you cant control it. You can only hope to make a difference in your little corner. This is not in any way intended to persuade you either way but simply help with clarity in your next step forward to whatever course you choose.

Safe Journey
~Q

 

[FuneralCry]

It is such a horrible, cruel and unfair world that we live in, and more than anything I wish that I never existed. I find it so awful how so much suffering even exists. For me personally, peace does not exist in this life, it only exists in death. I could never want to live, no matter what. Consciousness can be torture and I never want to experience anything ever again.
I hope that you find what you are looking for. I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[OctoberDusk]

I'm familiar with those kinds of nights and thoughts, although I've thankfully not experienced domestic violence and am sickened for those who have. I also want to say your writing is evocative and powerful. If you're not making use of your writing skills, I think you should consider doing so. Writing and other outlets have help me process and better understand a few things. And I hope you're doing better.