Help Rage

[Wormfood]

In the past four years I've never kept a job longer than six months. In fact I'm lucky if I hold the job for three months. What usually happens is that the jobs I hold take a toll on my mental health.

I once found a with healthy people but I was so stressed by the job responsibilities I had a nervous breakdown. I had to leave that job.

I find many workplaces toxic because of the people that work there or the policies that screw over people.

In the past I wasn't very assertive so when a boss would disrespect me I would take it quietly and suppress my rage for the sake of my job. I would take the disrespect till I'm boiling with rage then I'd quit before I become violent. My family members see me hopping from job to job and they think I'm confused or that I don't want to work but it's this rage. I don't think a boss who is arrogant and aggressive or who is a narcissist will be very welcoming of assertiveness. I think I'd get fired. If not immediately then eventually. Not before they ruin my mental health.

I don't believe in God or an afterlife. I believe that life is meaningless. When I'm miserable suicide is the first thing that pops into my mind. I use various forms of escapism such as movies and video games to avoid facing how awful people can be. I can't take it. A 10 year old girl was raped and killed in the area where I live. It was all over the news. I accepted it intellectually but even now I don't accept it emotionally. I think I'd be a mess if I allowed it to register emotionally. When I see that someone is intentionally causing me to be miserable I get into a rage. I'm not sure what I would do if I remain in the same environment as them. I tend to have some very violent fantasies and I seem to be desensitized to a lot of gore. If someone makes me feel suicidal I see that as a good reason to employ violence. I resign before violence.

Now I am faced with the people who are closest to me experiencing compassion fatigue (burn out) and they are giving up on me. I fear that this will spread to everyone close to me.

Another issue that I have is I'm not motivated by money but by appreciation. There isn't any of that.

The idea of working for a boss that is a bully just to get a pay check is silly to me.

I don't really have much hope for the future. I used to want to get married and have kids but the world is unsafe and you are more likely to get struck by lightning twice than finding a good woman. I don't really see a future. I don't really have much things holding on to. I wish I could die in my sleep. I don't want to bring anyone pain but that's inevitable. I keep thinking about writing a suicide note but that would risk my plans being sabotaged.

I'm confused.

 

[watchingthewheels]

Sounds a lot like myself when I was younger (and even today, to a lesser extent), before I knew about Aspergers/Autism. Dealing with bad bosses, trying to do a good job, but would often get confused or overwhelmed, and got yelled at and such, bottling it up until I exploded in a rage. I finally learned what worked and what didn't, what to avoid and where my strengths lied, but it was a struggle to get there before I knew.

I don't know if that's your particular issue, but either way, I hope you figure it out...

 

[manocsak]

I think the current world 3-6 month of work not even exceptionally low, I know a guy got a new job in every 2 weeks, but his reasons is much different from yours. I think there are many-many occupations in the world, some not required a boss at all, I think you should find a good boss it's rare, or do something on your own

 

[Zegers]

Life is a source of anxiety in itself, wherever you live, sometimes i see people who look happy while i don't even know how to smile anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

This world certainly is such a hellish place so of course choosing to procreate is something that is incredibly cruel. It's really understandable just wishing to never wake again, as at least to me existing could never be worth it. The reality is that there is no real relief from suffering as long as we stay here and it's true that other people just make things worse.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you think you could stand up for yourself in a non aggressive way? People definitely WILL walk all over you if you let them but some people manage to be assertive without being rude.

It does sound like you're taking on so much shit and letting it all bubble up inside till you're ready to pop each time. I can't say I'm brilliant at it but it's probably best to show people you won't tolerate being treated badly from the start. Maybe don't be a 'yes' person all the time- otherwise people WILL just dump all the work on you.

Plus- if you're overwhelmed and struggling- tell them. I was stupid enough to struggle on and on and work all hours till I finally said I couldn't cope on my own- and it was fine- they hired someone else to help. Companies will exploit you as much as you let them.

You don't have to be aggressive about it though (even if you feel that way.) You can bullshit and make it sound like you're thinking of them. I said it was getting to a point where the workload was so big that I felt like I was likely to start cutting major corners- or, making mistakes. Kind of gives them forewarning that it's all about to fall apart unless they get you some help.

I used to work in customer service and the customers who got the best results were the ones that remained calm but assertive. Not sure any of it helps much though if ALL your bosses are arseholes! I'm sorry. I agree that the world of work sucks and there are usually sociopaths near the top.

 

[livingdeadgrl]

I think constantly rage is the worst feeling for me to feel in the world, after a rage attack I always end up crying lol. But I lowkey admire that kind of rage too. When you feel rage, you still feel the need to change somethings, it still take you somewhere, you seen like you don't let people to harm you in any possible way, and I personally find that admirable. I can't care for things anymore, I know I won't change nothing so I just don't even try (unless you talking about do a proletarian revolution, then I'm totally on)