Venting Quitting my job

[heirofvoid]

I already submitted my resignation letter last May but I had to render for 2 months. My last day at work will be on July 21. I honestly can't take this job anymore, it just drains the life out of me and I've never felt so devoid of emotion and passion. All I've been thinking about is work every second I'm awake to the point that when it's finally the weekend, I end up not knowing what to do. I know I did this to myself.

Ever since then my coworkers, friends, and family are asking about my future. Honestly, I still don't know what to fucking do. My coworkers are asking me if I'm already applying at other companies. How the fuck would I do that when I'm still going to work every day? I don't understand how that works and it's not like our leaves are getting approved so how the fuck do I even find the time and energy to apply? I know I should be doing that but I'm so exhausted every day. I need to sleep when I go home so I can work properly on my next shift.

My family is asking if I still want to go back to college. Honestly, I don't fucking know either! I've went AWOL twice in college so I can't guarantee that I'll continue it properly again. My friends are telling me to go back to college though because my family can still financially support my education but I'm scared that if I couldn't do it again, I would waste their money. I'm also scared that they'll be strictly monitoring me to make sure I continue my studies which will probably make me feel worse. They know I've been a good student..they know that. I've been a consistent honor student back then but I guess going AWOL from college erased that from their memories.

I just don't want to be evaluated? Not sure if that's the word. Idk I just hate proving myself to people. I don't want to prove myself anymore. I just want everyone to leave me alone and forget I exist. In short, I do want to die. I'm really not sure what the fuck I want. I know my family will say "Oh, you're still young. You'll figure that out." but they keep asking me if I'm ever going back to college and of course will rush me to pick a course again.

I told this to my friends yesterday and they wanted me to go back to. I couldn't say anything to them at all. I couldn't tell them why I even quit in the first place. I let them talk like what I always do. I think every time I say what's wrong, it's not a valid problem for anyone so I stay quiet and lie as much as possible.

I was thinking of finally doing it after a week of my last day but I honestly still don't have a foolproof method. If I still can't do it by then, I'd have to either find a job or go back to college and both of them are fucking stressful to me. I don't know what I want to do with my life! I just want to end it! I'm so tired. I don't even know why I fucking exist. I don't understand why I had to be born when I'm not contributing to anything. I'm not meant for anything. I shouldn't exist. I shouldn't have been born.

 

[Worndown]

What is your job? It it the work or where you are working?

 

[Darkover]

my sister is quitting her job she been applying for jobs after work via the internet on job search websites "indeed"
she got a interview to be a care worker she's taking the day off from work to go to the interview, she gets up from 6:30 am
and doesn't get home into 6:30pm

 

[NoWayOut015]

I relate a lot to what you're saying. I don't think you should do something that will make you miserable just because people tell you to. I don't know what to do with my life either, it just all feels hopeless.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

I just don't want to be evaluated? Not sure if that's the word. Idk I just hate proving myself to people. I don't want to prove myself anymore. I just want everyone to leave me alone and forget I exist. In short, I do want to die. I'm really not sure what the fuck I want. I know my family will say "Oh, you're still young. You'll figure that out." but they keep asking me if I'm ever going back to college and of course will rush me to pick a course again.

Being judged? I dropped so much stuff in life because of judgement. I wanted to learn an instrument, but my parents were too nosy and didn't let me breathe. I stopped playing videogames on the TV in fear of being judged. Or watching TV at all. I just isolated myself in my room my teenage years. Then, in college, feeling bad cuz I didn't open up enough, I tried talking. WRONG. Apparently talking about my life was just fuel for their helicopter parent genes to kick in. Even when I visit them now the first question I get asked is "So, are you graduating soon?"

I went AWOL twice in my life. One year during Covid, and for ~4 months very recently. No job, no showing up to college, nothing.
Sometimes I need to breathe because of all the judgement.

Then people judge YOUR HEALTH FROM AFAR because I made ONE REDDIT POST on the wrong forum and I DIDN'T even say I was suicidal!
I got locked up and drugged against my will for a day in a ward for that.

I learned a few things:
create boundaries,
only speak inpersonally,
be more anonymous online,
and AWOL doesn't solve depression, just hides it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I never understood the reasoning behind giving employers notice of one's resignation. Employers don't give you even 1 minute of notice when they lay you off! And then they usually have a "chaperone" assigned to you while you gather all of your things and then escort you out of the building and off the grounds.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like such a stressful and tiring situation to be trapped in and to me it's very much understandable wishing to finally be free from it all, existing really is so dreadful and I also really wish I never existed. But anyway I wish you the best.