Help Quitting job - do I seem rational?

[Unspoken7612]

I often see posts on here from people who are obviously experiencing very distorted thinking. It seems likely that my thinking is also distorted, but I am finding it harder to identify my own distortions than other people's. I would like some outside perspective on whether I seem rational.

I have a pretty great job. Demands are low, I occasionally get to demonstrate my brilliance, and my work is... well, maybe my work isn't meaningful, because if it doesn't get done then nothing changes, but the projects I oversee are working on climate change and reducing the cost of the energy system.

My depression has made it extremely difficult to do my job. I am disinterested in life. I have a very patient and supportive manager. I have been signed off sick for long periods but also been "informally" sick for much more. I have had lots of different modalities of therapy - CBT, DBT, ACT - as well as having been on two SSRIs, two SNRIs, one tetracyclic, and one Gabapentinoid. Nothing has really worked.

I have been very frugal, both when I was working part-time and now over six years of working full-time. I save over half of my annual take-home salary and have about eight years worth of expenses saved up (although about a tenth of that is in an illiquid investment). I also have an inflation-linked pension. If I stop working then when I reach retirement age, it will cover 50% of my expenses, unless my standard of living changes. My plan has always been to retire at ~50, with enough saved up to last me at least until the legal retirement age, when my pension would kick in and cover me.

My perception is that my job, and the fact that I can't actually do it, is contributing to my depression. I think I would be more likely to get better if I quit.

My current plan, if I quit, is to spend a year alternating between travelling and writing. This would be more expensive than my current lifestyle. I think one year of living like that would burn through about a quarter of my nest egg. It would be difficult to find new employment, and equally difficult to turn either travel or writing into a lifestyle.

Honestly, it feels like the alternative is suicide, and if possible I'd rather find another solution so I don't upset those who care about me. But also, I don't think I would consider this sort of drastic step if I wasn't suicidal. This is on two grounds:

1) I am suicidal, so desperate measures seem rational.

2) if I do run out of money, I can always kill myself.

Does this sound like a line of reasoning that a sane, rational person would go down? Or am I experiencing heavy cognitive distortion and making bad decisions?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You don't seem to be happy although you have a well-paying job. You would like to travel/write. If you go on with the status quo your MH might further deteriorate. Depending on how old you are now you have many chances to try new things. What would be your life if you're a mental wreck with 50?

Imo it's better to live life at a younger age, just in case sth bad happens or we run out of money in the worst case, there's always the option to CTB - if we're prepared for that. Your thoughts are totally sane and not irrational.

Whether the decisions we make are good or bad is sth we can only know in the future and the future is unknown.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Short answer: IMO this is reasonable and you should go for it. Even if it wasn't reasonable, if there is any time to listen to your intuition, however imprudent it may seem, it is now.

I essentially did this exact thing earlier in the year: quit my well-paying, but unsatisfactory and depression-exacerbating job in April and have just been living on my savings ever since. So far I can't say I regret it.

I know I'm burning through my savings at a very fast rate (and I only had two years of expenses saved up, not eight!), but the relief of being able to do as I please every single day and not have to worry about being able to perform at work while depressed, not having to put up a front, not having to force myself to work when I can barely get out of bed, is immeasurable. You don't realize quite how heavy that weight is until it gets lifted off your shoulders.

I am indeed doing better now than I was then. Nothing monumental, of course--my life hasn't "turned around" or anything, and I'm still suicidal--but getting through each day is certainly a lot easier. I am less stressed and feel liberated. The downsides are:

• My family is now going to receive a lot less money when I die
• I am also significantly more isolated than I was when I was working, sometimes passing entire days without uttering a single word out loud
• While we might tell ourselves that option 2 ("if I do run out of money, I can always kill myself") will always be there, in practice it turns out to be much harder to find the motivation to CTB when you're not working. When there's nothing distinguishing each day from the next, and when you have no responsibilities, there's no reason why you should CTB today instead of tomorrow, ad infinitum, and so there's a real chance that you end up in that dreaded situation of being out of money yet unable to kill yourself. If your goal is to stay alive, then mission accomplished, but I think what ends up happening to a lot of people (including myself) is that you just get stuck in a limbo between life and death, unable to decisively tilt to one side or the other. This can feel even worse than being acutely suicidal, because at least in that scenario you have a clear way out.

If you're worried about that last point, it might be wise to maintain your connections to your current job and have it as a fall back, if possible. In my case, I made a deal with my boss that in a couple months' time I could come back (if I was ready).

Best of luck.

 

[landslide2]

My quick two cents is to think about what you be doing if you stopped working and while it may seem like a load off and less stress. That loss of routine and keeping busy also can de detrimental. If you wanted to go back after quitting would it be fairly easy to return or find another job? Is it the job making the depression worse or is it the depression making the job harder?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

@landslide2 has some good points here.

Have you considered a sabbatical? If your employer would support this you could relax, travel, write whatever and then come back to your job.

 

[Unspoken7612]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

My quick two cents is to think about what you be doing if you stopped working and while it may seem like a load off and less stress. That loss of routine and keeping busy also can de detrimental. If you wanted to go back after quitting would it be fairly easy to return or find another job? Is it the job making the depression worse or is it the depression making the job harder?

This is the post that I think warrants me responding to properly, even if just for my own sake.

I don't think I currently experience "stress" as conventionally understood. I do however experience self-recrimination for my inability to get anything done. If anything I think I have too little stress in my work.

I think if I was off work for a long time, especially if I had a plan of going travelling and trying to write, I'd actually be "keeping busier" than I am at present, where every day I wake up, struggle to motivate myself to work, do nothing, and feel guilty.

It would be difficult to go back or find a new job after quitting.

The depression is definitely making the job harder. I also think that feeling like I should be working is probably contributing to the depression?

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

I think quitting a job is always rational. Fuck working.

 

[BoulderSoWhat]

I think I've had some relatable experiences. I've had persistent depressive disorder since a young age, I'm 30 now. A lot of moving around and turbulence, needing to get away from family which I've finally done.

Anyway, a few years ago I got a promotion for a job, moved to a new location just for it. It was extremely stressful and felt I was unqualified to fill the position. The underlying depression mixing with the job dissatisfaction, I needed out of the situation somehow. Eventually left that job a year ago, last ditch effort was to try day trading and get a funded account for income. Figured if I failed at that, I'd just ctb on my 30th birthday.

Attempt was made, survival instinct happened, called 911 figuring I couldn't trust my body to let me kill it, went inpatient, and have now since started a new job to further my skill set that I'm excited about.

Core of my mindset now is that even though my body kept itself alive, my mind did not falter in its conviction that I wanted to die. I might as well have died and let's just call this a fucked up afterlife lol. My ctb attempt was a full and absolute rejection of my life, so I get to define what happens next, whatever can reasonably be in my control. My narrative is mine ro construct, deconstruct, and change according to what I want to do for myself, I'm not obliged or chained to anyone or anything.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, a job can definitely be detrimental to mental health if it feels like it's poking at symptoms, making them worse. If life feels uninteresting, and your work isn't stimulating or "stressful", it can feel like an extension of an already uninteresting life, even though it's something as important as income to support yourself.

I wouldn't say I'm brilliant or all that smart haha, but I don't think I have severe cognitive distortions. I think suicidal thinking can be more left-brained in some individuals, trying to analyze a situation and dying is "just another possible solution."

My advice is to keep thinking on this, considering options that might interest you about how to approach life differently. Maybe talking with your manager about any opportunities for your work that might be more stimulating, if that's even a possibility?

Best!

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I think I've had some relatable experiences. I've had persistent depressive disorder since a young age, I'm 30 now. A lot of moving around and turbulence, needing to get away from family which I've finally done.

Anyway, a few years ago I got a promotion for a job, moved to a new location just for it. It was extremely stressful and felt I was unqualified to fill the position. The underlying depression mixing with the job dissatisfaction, I needed out of the situation somehow. Eventually left that job a year ago, last ditch effort was to try day trading and get a funded account for income. Figured if I failed at that, I'd just ctb on my 30th birthday.

Attempt was made, survival instinct happened, called 911 figuring I couldn't trust my body to let me kill it, went inpatient, and have now since started a new job to further my skill set that I'm excited about.

Core of my mindset now is that even though my body kept itself alive, my mind did not falter in its conviction that I wanted to die. I might as well have died and let's just call this a fucked up afterlife lol. My ctb attempt was a full and absolute rejection of my life, so I get to define what happens next, whatever can reasonably be in my control. My narrative is mine ro construct, deconstruct, and change according to what I want to do for myself, I'm not obliged or chained to anyone or anything.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, a job can definitely be detrimental to mental health if it feels like it's poking at symptoms, making them worse. If life feels uninteresting, and your work isn't stimulating or "stressful", it can feel like an extension of an already uninteresting life, even though it's something as important as income to support yourself.

I wouldn't say I'm brilliant or all that smart haha, but I don't think I have severe cognitive distortions. I think suicidal thinking can be more left-brained in some individuals, trying to analyze a situation and dying is "just another possible solution."

My advice is to keep thinking on this, considering options that might interest you about how to approach life differently. Maybe talking with your manager about any opportunities for your work that might be more stimulating, if that's even a possibility?

Best!

I've had a very similar experience, including the failed attempt wherein "my body kept itself alive, but my mind did not falter in its conviction [...] I might as well have died and let's just call this a fucked up afterlife." I agree that this is basically an opportunity to live without constraints in an unprecedented way.

OP, you might find this video instructive: